GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

INSTANT COFFEE AND ICE CREAM BAR STARS

Way out among the distant stars,

I've heard they eat nothing but, ice cream bars,

If I could get some dough,

To those stars, I would go,

Bringing lots of instant coffee in jars.

DRAT! I'M NOT A NUGGET

I tested my dogs DNA and found out he is a cat,

I tested my kitties DNA and found out she is a bat

So then, I tested my own,

I found out I'm just a limestone,

I had hoped I was a gold nugget so, drat! 

IGOR HATED THE FIRST OF JUNE

Igor hated the first day of June,
That's the day his marriage went out of tune,
But, by the first of July,
Igor celebrated on high,
With his new wife on their honeymoon.

HUBA DUBA DO NOT

The couple spent all their time watching the HUB,

Eating pork rinds and becoming real tub,

To live through just what you sees,

Is one easy please,

But, no calories burned, that's the rub.

WHEN I DRIVE BRING A CHANGE OF UNDERWEAR

The traffic is bad on the road,

I swerved to avoid crushing a toad,

I then side swiped a truck,

Veered i to a ditch full of muck,

Then, my passenger's bowels passed a load.

THE BAT

A bat was nesting beneath boards on my porch,
He came out when down went the daylight torch,
He’d eat bugs all the night,
Then at first light,
He would hide before he could scorch.

A bat left droppings all over my porch boards,
His droppings were many; he ate insects in hoards,
I chased him away,
But, by the end of the day,
He came back and shrieked in hideous chords.

I HAD A BUG UPON MY TOE LIMERICK

I had a bug upon my toe,
He bit it firm and caused me woe,
I had often been bitten by the mosquito fly,
It made me itch until I thought I'd die,
But, the bug on my toe laid eggs to let grow.

MY PLANE NOT FLY HAIKU

Plane not fly, weather,
Coffee, wait, pop, wait, coffee,
Bathroom break, missed plane.

PICKUP RELIABILITY

My old pickup truck, it runs like flirtin',

It takes you so far but, that's not for certain,

It has starts and stops,

It booms, farts and, pops,

If you needs be someplace, you're hurtin',

BE A LIGHTNING ROD AT DORM

To get attention while away at dorm,

Play tetherball during a lightning storm,

It's brave to risk your bod,

Playing round a lightening rod,

Of course, if there's a strike it'll change your form.

SUMMER HOLIDAY BLUES

Summer Holiday,

Gas Grill, Burgers, Hot Dogs, Buns,

Egg Salad, Gut Aches   

ALWAYS FOLLOW A LEADER IF, THEY HAVE MEAT

Always follow your leader if they might have something to eat,

Especially, if your leader might have candy bars, chips or meat,

Or, Even if it's veggie stew,

That smells just like a stomach flu,

At least it would taste better than, some roadkill on the street.

HOPING FOR AN OINTMENT

My rubber gloves didn't keep the promise of a seal,
After cleaning toilets with chemicals my skin started to peel,
So, to the doctor I go,
With peeled hands for the show,
Hoping for an ointment that will heal.

MY PATH TO GONDOLIER SCHOOL

I thought I'd try my hand at tennis,
But, after many fly balls I was labeled a menace,
I was ordered off the court,
To attempt a  new sport,
Now, I'm a  gondolier in old Venice.

The Sunday Sports News

The Sunday paper read is sad,

All my local teams have endings, bad,

But, they will survive,

And, next season thrive,

When this season's over, I'll be glad.

THE MEMORIAL DAY TURKEY LIMERICK

My plumpest turkey was named Steve,

He earned himself a Thanksgiving reprieve,

Not too much to brag,

But, he saluted the flag,

On Memorial Day morning and eve.
 

THE DEVIL WANTS ME TO DO IT

The devil came to see me and said he was happy at how easily I lied,

He was also proud of my gluttony which made my profile big and wide,

 The devil asked me a favor,

He wanted a new ice cream flavor,

He wanted the taste of sulfur and knewt eyes deep fat fried.

I WENT TO THE DINER FOR BREAKFAST

I went out for breakfast for fried eggs, toast and bacon,

But, when I got to the diner all the seats had been taken,

It seems every breakfast was free,

For those who got there before me,

A nightmare from which I wish I'd awaken.

A FISH THAT DON'T FLOP CAN MAKE INTERNAL ORGANS ALL STOP

I found a fish up on the shore,

Maybe he once flopped but, he did not flop anymore,

So, I fried him in a vat,

Greased him up with bacon fat,

But, in a few hours he made my innards feel soar.