I WON'T FORGIVE THAT GNOME

There was a pipe smoking gnome,
He carelessly burned down my home,
They say "live and let live,"
But, I can't forgive,
I'd like to bop him right on his dome.

A HAIKU FOR CHRISTMAS

Christmas day brings joy,
Family and Friends visit,
Children open gifts,

Good cheer to mankind,
Good thoughts to keep close all year,
Don't forget mankind.

SANTA'S SALTINE COOKIES

Bob Roy had no time to bake,
Any Christmas cookies for Santa’s sake,
Bob Roy had frosting in a can but, no backers,
So, Bob Roy spread the caned frosting on saltine crackers,

When Santa came down Bob Roy’s wood-stove pipe,
He was covered with soot and had to wipe,
When Santa was done he looked for his traditional eats,
His glass of fresh milk and homemade cookie treats,

Now, Santa had brought Bob Roy something real nice,
It was a homemade jerky maker complete with jerky spice,
Old Santa’s belly needed some food and growled like a bear,
Then Santa found his gift snack but, could not believe what was there,

On the table surrounded with decorations ornate,
Sat many colored saltine crackers on a cookie plate,
Santa was hungry and could not hesitate,
So, all the frosted saltine crackers Santa downed away straight,

The saltines were dry so Santa guzzled down his milk,
Then he wondered what kind of people? What kind of ilk?
Would substitute saltine crackers for cookies anyway?
But, Santa knew he had to get back to his sleigh,

Santa left Bob Roy the jerky maker so Bob Roy would be happy,
Then, up the stove pipe Santa took off feeling kind of sappy,
In exchange for a jerky make complete with jerky maker spice,
Santa got saltine crackers and he thought he itched a bit with lice.

JIM'S HOMEMADE PIZZA

Jim's homemade pizza didn't taste so good,
It tasted like fungus on wet firewood,
It was outhouse-like smelly,
And, made sharp pains in Jim's belly,
It seems the recipe Jim misunderstood.

I HAD TROUBLE ON MT. DOUBLE BUBBLE

I tried to climb Mt. Double Bubble,
It was not long till I had trouble,
The sides were too steep,
The river below was real deep,
But, I missed the river and landed on rubble.

Falling down Mt. Double Bubble real fast,
I didn't see my future but, only my past,
I seldom behaved real good,
I stole and lied when I could,
If I'm lucky I'll end up in cast.

MY INTERNET SLOW CONNECTION LIMERICK

My internet connection is so slow,
Because I’m cheap I suffer this woe,
Phone line connections just stink,
They’ve brought my nerves to the brink,
I think I’ll just signoff and go.

BARRY BAKED A BACK ACHE

After baking all day in the bakery where he'd bake,
Barry went home with a horrific back ache,
He bought an expensive new bed,
So, he could sleep like the dead,
But, the lumpy mattress kept poor Barry awake.

MY LAZY LASER-PRINTER

My laser-printer is so lazy,
It's copies come out looking crazy,
I'm not really sure
Of a laser print cure,
Maybe, an ink-jet printer's a daisy.

SKIP WINTER LIMERICK

I'm sitting on needles and pins,
For, today old winter begins,
It just is so wrong,
That winter's so long,
Why not skip it then everyone wins.