DILLY THE SCRATCHY CAT

My cat Dilly shows me love with his scratches,

That's why I keep around some extra eye patches,

And, Dilly my friend, 

Will scratch my end to end,

The scratch on my foot and my face are matches. 

A WITCHES CURSE AND MY CAR PASSED GAS

A witch put a curse on my transportation,

I cut her off; she followed me to the gas station,

And, when I put in gas,

To the ground it would pass,

Then, I lit up like the birthday of our nation. 

FIRE WEST

I drove my van out West to see the big fires,

I was doing real good till the heat melted my tires,

There was no turning around,

So, I took off across the ground,

But, got caught then, I burned up in some briars.

INVESTING

I was taught to invest and to save,
It was the only way to behave,
But, things are not sunny,
I lost all of my money,
Investing dug my money it's grave.

THE MONKEY IN THE CAGE LIMERICK

There was a monkey in a cage,
His incarceration filled him with rage,
If you wanted his scoop,
He’d throw at you some poop,
Interpretation: he hates this age.

VAPING AND THE MULTIVERSE DON'T MIX

A creature came from the multiverse and it was really bad,

It's secretions dissolved things like my brother, mom, and dad,

Their demise led me to almost escape,

But, I had to stop and vape,

My mom said vaping was habit forming but, I learned too late, so sad.

I COME DOWN WITH DISEASE

I went on a trip and come down with disease,

I cannot pronounce it with all the "Q"s and the "P"s,

With my ratio of lost weight,

I've confirmed an end date, 

Unless, the angels keep me going to tease.

The First Frost This Fall

On this chilled, frosty morning my red car has turned white,

My bright, beautiful garden has died overnight,

I look on with despair,

Then, decide I don't really care,

I'm climbing back into my bed to sleep tight.

LIFE BEYOND THE ROAD CONES

Way up north in Michigan beyond where the highway ends with cones,

The snow is so damn deep, it's beyond all habitable zones,

That's where I built my cabin; up on Iceberg Bay,

Where even bugs and vermin will never try to stay,

Of course, it's where trees will never grow,

So, no firewood juts through the snow,

And, a nice warm fire is really rare,

Since, all there is to burn is your own hair,

For your food you must ice fish,

There are only carp but, they fulfill my wish,

Carp are the only food upon my dish,

A price that I pay to live in far, north Mich.

To the big cities I will never flee,

I'd rather freeze and starve and embrace misery,

In the cities you are restricted where you crap and pee,

But, there's no restrictions beyond the road cones and that's called free.

No Coffee Grounds So, I'll Make Job Hunting Rounds

Oh where, oh where did my coffee grounds go?

I couldn't buy new coffee because I ran out of doe,

I need coffee before I go earn some cash,

So, I looked for grounds in the sink and in the trash,

Alas, at work I'll be fired when, I'm caught moving slow.

THE GAS GIANT

I went to a planet just made up of gas,

It was the kind that only a mean giant would pass,

I followed after the foe,

But, turned around and didn't go,

What if the giant left me a planet with mass?

TROLL FEED

Trolls thrive where humans keep their tombs,

Trolls eat on humans time exhumbs,

 For mortal bones,

Aren't held by stones,

For weather cast them out their wombs.

THE EARLY, EARLY FROST

A chill came down from the north

It froze my melons at noon August 4th,

And, all of my corn,

Had frostbite by next morn,

So, no food in my freezer I'll storeth.

RUNNY ROBBIE

About every other date, Robbie got a runny nose,

And, if he tried to ignore it, the run would drip down on his clothes,

Robbie finally, gave no care,

Hoping his date was unaware,

Until Robbie felt the run in between his toes.

REVENGE OF THE DAMNED

A beaver put up a dam,

It flooded just where I am,

Because of what he did,

It cost me many a quid,
But, some dynamite gave his dam a bam!!!

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THE LEAGUE OF ONE EYES

I play darts in the league of One Eyes,

None of us are too good; that's no surprise,

We have piercings galore,

Each game we bleed sore,

But, we're happy if nobody dies.

WHEN THE WIND BLEW MY ROADKILL

When the wind blew up the street,

It dried my roadkill, made it tough meat,

Might been bear, might been turkey,

It was hard chewing jerky,

But, the road tar made it sweet.  

SOMEONE HIT MY GARBAGE CAN TONIGHT

Someone hit my garbage can earlier tonight,

The can ruptured, the bags split and, the contents became blight,

Now, I had taken to rest,

Decided patience was best,

And, by morn my garbage had blown out of sight.

THE NIGHT BEFORE MORN

I turned my dark, night backyard into day,

With my sodium light display,

And, with my gas grill before the morn,

I toasted wieners and roasted corn,

Then, I got out my trumpet and blew that horn.

I SPEAK FEW WORDS AND UNDERSTAND FEWER

I speak few words and understand almost none,

I like animal speech because it is more fun,

Growling and biting,

Are just more exciting,

Especially, when it makes people run.

COPING WITH YOUR HYGIENE

When everyone offers you a breath mint,

While, shampoo is suggested to eliminate lint, 

And, being gifted with bar soap,

Means that you need to cope,

And, your hygiene goes beyond just a hint.

DONNY IS IN BAD SHAPE

Donny got athletes foot disease,

But, Donny was no athlete, just a political sleaze,

Of course, Donny's bowls were far worse,

A family curse,

His bowels might move or, sometimes just tease.

VELCRO: NO STRINGS ATTACHED

Velcro shoes are a safe, easy fun,

But, they are not for everyone,

Some like long strings,

Such personal things,

But, they'll send you on a trip when you run.

OH, NO ODE

I went down to the old damn where the water flowed,

It looked so awfully pretty I wanted to compose an ode,

Alas, for my ode I had no gimmick,

So, I composed a silly limerick,

And, all the critics said it was a major manure load.

WHERE DID THE PETS COME FROM?

My doggie has no pedigree; my cat came in from the wild,

My finch showed up in my bird cage one day;  his temperament is mild, 

My pet snake slithered up from the swamp one night,

My fox came from the hen house of farmer Dwight,

My rat I found out back one day where the chicken bones are piled.  

GETTING YOUR HEAD CLEAR

Although things are falling apart and the world is in a rush,

It is time to meditate and tell the world to hush,

Control that fear,

Your goal is clear,

Just remember when you're done to flush.

MY HOME COOKING SECRETS

If you cook something that no one will eat,

Cover it with gravy for a quick deceit,

If there's time to change "reject" to "devour,"

Then, deep fat fry the stuff after dipping in four,

There's always a way to make crap food a treat.

KEEP INTERNAL ORGANS FROM LIGHTENING STRIKES

A lightening bolt strike messed up my organs real bad,

It upset my stomach and I lost my lunch, just a tad,

My bladder emptied real fast,

I felt better at last,

I joined my late grandma, passed aunt and dead dad.

ORANGE IS THE COLOR OF MY TRUE LOVE'S FACE🎨

Orange is the color of my true loves face,🍊🖕

It makes them stand out and garner first place,🍔🍔🍔🍕🍕🍕🍩🍩🍩💰💰💰

If they'd only stay quiet,🐷🔇

They wouldn't incite constant riot,🎃

And, might join what is called "human race."👴👐🚽

THE KING WHO DOES NOT SHARE

The king of Mars won't share any of his beer, 

And, on planet mars all beer is dear,

So it's back to the earth,

Where I started at birth,

Where spirits are as plentiful as corn ear.

HOW I GOT OUT OF MY TIMESHARE

Out to the mailbox I chanced to bear scout,

But, never a bear I found there about,

But, a cougar made me dead

When, he bit off my head,

O.K., from my timeshare I finally got out.

I FOUND A DOLLAR ON THE FLOOR

 I found a dollar on the floor,

The one I lost the day before,

I had accused my roommate of stealing,

Which hurt his self-worth and feeling,

And, started a name calling war. 

THE PRESIDENT IS CRAZY SO I TEST HIS I.Q.

If I sum some sums each day,

I receive a stipends, a little pay,

And what sums do I do,

Well, I grade a test for I.Q.,

For presidents with minds that aren't quite O.K.

I INQUIRED THEN I WAS ACQUIRED

My portrait was hung but, it was in low regard,

It advertised a bounty for a criminal rated "hard,"

I inquired with a call,

I was met by policemen Et. Al,

I spend most of my days playing ball in the yard.

MY OVERHEATED WORKOUT TURNED COLD

During my workout I got way overheated,

So, I grabbed a cold drink and quickly I seated,

My shirt was drenched, solid wet,

I ripped it off, now I regret,

My belly is cold and my back likewise treated.

I PORT WINE DINE ON A TIC-TOC PINE

It's the rhythmic tone for which I pine,🕰

When the tic-toc chime called me to dine,🍱

My tic-toc was smashed,💔

When my roof caved and crashed,🏚

Now, I drink outdoors the cheapest port wine.🍷

WHY I CHAW

Chewing tobacco dirties my skin pores,

It gets stuck in my throat and causes night snores,

So, why do I chew?

Well, I look cooler than you,

And, that opens up those opportunity doors.

I FLEW TO CORNING AND DIED

On today's dark wicked, heated morning,

The churning sky fog was a fear felt warning,

Then, Mr. Tornado Man came here,

He broke my body that I loved dear,

And, moved my bod from Detroit to Corning.

MY TENTATIVE JOB MAKES ME PART OF THE MOB

I have a tentative job,

As a hit-man for a notorious mob,

I won't feel too sad,

For I'll be after the bad,

Who, from gangsters they're attempting to rob.

THE PICKLE SAGA

And the pickle kept on growing,

Numb pickle brain remained unknowing,

After a quick peel,

It became my meal,

I saved some seeds for future sowing.

COPING WITH COVID BLUES

I hear nothing but bad news,

I have the Covid virus blues,

I can only cope, 

By voting out the dope,

With the orange face and short twit fuse.

MY PIG ROAST WAS TOAST

I'm afraid I can afford only toast,😒

To feed guests at my birthday pig roast,🎂🍖

I know toast is not in fashion,👚👠🛍👔👗👖👛👜👟👞👘🕶👒🎩👢

But I'll still toast it with passion,😍

I'll serve it dry or with some butter, at most.🙁

I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP

Some days I just have to get sleep,

So, my pretty face I can keep,

Everyone pines,

To lose facial lines,

And, late nights cause face lines to creep.

I CHEATED TO GO TO SCHOOL

I got into college but I had to cheat,

I loaded the dean's freezer with a ton of deer meat,

I gained lots of knowledge,

While in barber college,

And, the dean had plenty to eat. 

WHEN THE MASKED TROOPS CAME INTO MY TOWN

Masked troops marched into my town,

All decked out in camouflage brown,

They beat me in the head,

And left me for dead,

I lived but don't know my up from my down.

THE BLINKING ROSE

I wonder what the rose is thinking? 

While on the wall it rests while blinking,

Just what did it see?

Will it voice secrets on me?

 "Stay quiet rose or bath water you're drinking."

STRANGE RAINBOW

A strange rainbow went over the hill,

Night is breaking across my little vill,

I see the daylight conclude,

Pushy, the night asserts, rude,

I dream and lean on the sil.

THE MAN IN THE HIGH REEF

Once there was a reefer who lived out on the high reef,

Some said he was a hooligan, others said he was a thief,

One day he came to town,

And, paid with British crown,

He bought some tea and crumpets and stole a side of beef.

FOR FIVE DAYS I'M WEAK

For five days each week

It's survival money I seek,

For a store family elite,

The peasants I beat,

Selling tires I know will soon leak.

DON'T PIT SPIT IN MICHIGAN

I spit a pit that popped a zit on the neighbor's pitbull named Rhoda,

I spit a pit that made a hit on a policeman's cold Bubba soda,

From the dog, I got bit,

The policeman's eyes became red lit,

Now, I'm doing hard time in the prison in Oscoda.

SQUIRREL STATUE

My squirrel statue was worshiped from afar,

By my friends at my after work bar,

They didn't understand Karl Sagan,

Their minds turned more toward pagan,

Except for the designated driver of the car.

WHEN THINGS GO WRONG SET SAIL

When you have problems in life it's best to set sail,

Then, no one can chide you when the ocean's your trail,

So, you let others hold the bag,

And, they give you a bad tag,

Still, freedom is a just reward when you fail.

I KICKED THEM DOWN WHEN THE VIRUS CAME ROUND (EXCEPT FOR MOM)

I didn't want a virus to make me sicker,

So, I stayed indoors and played karate kicker,

I kicked sister, I kicked dad,

I kicked brother:  I done bad,

I couldn't kick mom cause she kicked quicker.

2×4 MAKES DREAMY WORLD FOR MY BLOG

I was nailing up a 2" ×4" when it fell and hit me on my knoggin,

 Then came dreamy world where I was ridding on my tobaggon,

My dream gravity is bent,

So, uphill my ride went,

My brain went  blank the rest of the day so, that's all I'll do for bloggon.

 

PARANOID PRESIDENT AND HIS DROID

The president of the paranoid,

Who think science is something to avoid,

The president is so annoyed,

For science is his hemmoroid,

Roid tissue removed by his V.P. droid.

BOSS, DOS AND WORKING AT A LOSS

I tolerate my workmates and my boss,

I tolerate my work tech based on MS DOS,

And, just like the other school teachers,
I tolerate the evil kid creatures,

I just wish my wages weren't a financial loss.

IF U FOLLOW A 🐴 2 WATER MAKE SURE U GET THERE 🏆

I followed a horse to water and then I took a drink,🏊

The water smelled of urine because the horse had made it stink,🐎👅

I looked both north and south,👆👇

No other water for my mouth,👄

The horse knew he had unnerved me for he gave me an eyewink.🐴

THE PROBLEM WITH STATUES

They made a statue of my cousin who was a political engineer,

He misbehaved but, got the roads paved all while drunk with beer,

Kids will now see the statue and ask,

What set my coz to stone?  What task?

Was it paved roads or, when he hit that poor mommy deer?

BANNED

My social media has all been banned,🚳

In this and every other land,🗼🗽🏝🏜

I say mean stuff too much,👹

I'm out of touch,🐨

Just another job where I've been canned.😒

THE NEW SOCIAL DISTANCE DISTANCE

So, the term"social distance" means the same as six feet,

From coach to fridge I walk a social distance just so I can eat,

Twenty social distances to get mail,

Eighteen to the garbage pail,

I think the "social distance" distance is really kind of neat.