MY PLASTIC SIDING HAIKU

Wind, Siding,house stripped,
Shredded plastic,neighbor’s yards,
 Mess, insurance? HA!

THE AFTER WORLD

When you have been out in the world and, been covered with snot,

Then, all that you want is a place to sit down and rot,

So, you move out to the woods

With cases of canned and dry goods,

And, try to get by growing pot.

TWO DRAGONS WALKED INTO A BAR

Two dragons walked into a bar,

They breathed fire and smelled like hot tar,

The smell was not appealing,

Then, they stuck their heads through the ceiling,

Just to make a wish upon their lucky star.

WHAT YOU DON'T DO WITH BLEACH

I went to polish my best table's top,
It was stained with coffee and red soda pop,
I wish someone would teach,
You don't polish with bleach,
Or, at least someone would have yelled at me "STOP!"

MR. MITCHELL'S CUPCAKES LIMERICK

Mitchell and his cousin owned a lot of land,
So, they opened up a big box cup cake stand,
Mitchell sold only a few dozen,
But, between him and his cousin,
They each developed a diabetic gland.

I GOT BIG PROBLEMS

A penny for your thoughts but, a dollar if you don't share,✋

I have my own problems and, they're too much to bear,🐻

My toaster don't work,😱

My boyfriend's a jerk,🤹

He bought me an apple and, I wanted a pear.🍐

MY COW NAMED MOSES

I owned a cow named Moses,
Instead of hooves she had big toeses,
I could not keep them clean,
She got really mean,
So, I picked her a bunch of roses.

THE TOMATO PLANT FROST LIMERICK

I cannot begin to figure the cost,

For my tomato garden was destroyed by frost,

Some say they tire of my rants,

That I should have covered my plants,

True but, I've already worked to the point of exhaust.

I FORGOT TO PACK STUFF

Can I borrow your toothbrush because, I left mine home,

I'm afraid I'll need to use it while, I'm visiting your dome,

Don't fret, I have no disease,

Unless, you count STDs,

And, I must borrow your shaver and foam

I Horde Gas

I horde and store gas in plastic sandwich bags,

It's safe cause I wrap the bags in paper towels and old rags,

When I have spent my last bill,

And, when my mobile home has it's fill,

The floor on my trailer, it sags

A PINCHY OF HERBS FOR BLURBS

Sometimes my sauces I disturbs,

By adding just a pinchy of herbs,

I simmer my sauces well,

Till they're all bubbly and swell,

And, my family gassy family makes blurbs and more blurbs.

MR. ROBIN REMEMBERED

Mr. Robin had a broken wing,
But, he'd still tell jokes and act and sing,
He did his best, 
For us chicks in the nest,
He'll be remembered for doing that thing.

MY HOUSING HIGH

Housing prices are incredibly high,

So, I sold mine to give leisure a try,

But, after the mortgage and closing cost,

Instead of a profit, I lost,

Now, that I'm homeless and bankrupt, I cry.

THE WEBSITE TROLLS

My website is visited by trolls,
I fear they have nefarious goals,
When a sentence I complete,
If they don't like it they'll delete,
They must be from the dark web of souls.

I WENT DOWN TO THE DEVIL

I went to the devil to make me this deal,

I loved one that back for me, had nadda feel,

The devil told me my prime,

Was lost too long in time,

He said, "No looks, no money, get real."

I AM WHAT I AM BECAUSE OF MY MA AND PA

I am so lucky to have my ma and pa,

They raised me on coffee and tobacco chaw,

Although, my teeth were all black,

And, my chaw spit caught me flack,

I became the town marshal and law.

BUGS FOR BREAKFAST (Breakfast of Trampions)

On my heart my tummy tugs,

I was so hungry, I ate bugs,

But, a tummy that begs,

Shouldn't eat bugs with long legs,

I got hospitalized and some hugs.

WHY BOTHER WITH FLOWERS

All my flowers just died in their rows,

Every time I'm done planting it freezes and snows,

Of course, the freezing will be done,

By the August last Sun,

Alas, by the Ides of September the frosty wind  blows.

NOBODY TELLS ME

Nobody told me electricity can arc,

Or, that a dog will bite before giving a bark,

Nobody told me I could drown in deep water,

Or, boil my brains in a bath I made hotter,

Or, I should turn on my lights when I drive after dark.

PEACH TREE THROUGH THE FLOOR

My porch had a peach tree growing up through the boards,

I couldn't cut it down with my machete swords,

For the peaches were sweet,

And, I had no money to eat,

At times providence has it's own rewards.