SKILLS VS. BILLS

I went to a school to get me some skills,

But, the school just took all of my one dollar bills,

Now, it's worse than before,

I am even more poor,

And, can't afford my prescribed psycho pills.  

THE PONTOON VIKING

On my pontoon boat I went raiding with Vikings,

We plundered Russia, and England and France,

Now to the rough life I've taken the likings,

I drink mead with the vikings and dance,

My pontoon boat goes a bit faster,

Than the viking ships that are rowed across the seas,

But  sometimes I fear a disaster,

When I can't find my one set of keys,

We all get a share of the plunder,

But I'm never amongst the first ones on the shore,

Those that are receive spears, arrows then, hear thunder,

When, they awake in Valhalla with Thor,   

Of course my income is not very steady,

In truth, my pickings have always been lame,

But I'm keeping my pontoon gassed and ready,

To rejoin the viking plunderers' game.

 

 

THE SPIDER ROYAL RIVALRY

Vanderbilt was the spider king,
He knew so cause he had the royal ring,
But, he got caught in a web,
Spun by his big sister Deb,
Now, she claims to be queen with her bling.

ASTRONAUT FLAGELLANT GAS

I was an astronaut who passed flagellant gasses,

Which disturbed the gravitational masses,

So, they sent me out the airlock,

Where the supply ships come to dock,

Where I'll stay until all the disturbance passes.

ODE TO THE 100 ROCKBASS

100 rock bass were on the highway flopping, 

No vehicles showed respect by swerving or stopping,

So, as the fish were smeared over the road,

I composed them an ode,   

In rhythm to the rock bass bladders popping. 

JOHN'S COLORED GUN POWDER COLLECTION

John collected colored gun powder because it was pretty,

He displayed the powder in clear jars to tell guests he was witty,

But, John's chosen display space,

Was over his wood-stove fireplace,

They found John's body but, just a bitty.

MY GROCER, HIGH PRICES AND ME

I went to the grocer but his prices were high,
I said with my small budget those prices wouldn't fly,
The grocer said, "my costs have gone wild,
I built a new mansion that's styled,
My builder gave me a similar reply."

ELECTION GOAL LIMERICK

Most in the press make the wrong assumption,
They think we want government destroyed by revolt and injunction,
But, just listen please,
People want an end to the sleaze,
No revolution, just an end to corruption.

THE BLUE SKY RAIN BLUES

The rain poured down from a sky that was blue,

There wasn't a cloud so I thought the rain was untrue,

But, right overhead,

An air plane had just shed,

It's potty water, I rue.    

A VAMPIRE IN MY CARPET

When I walked through my carpet my bare feet got lots of bites,

I was not sure if they were ticks or fleas or maybe spider mites,

I went to my doctor and asked what had bitten me so bad,

He said they were baby vampires and, vampire bites was what I had, 

Then, I died and became a baby vampire living in carpet on the floor,

Now, I bite bare feet all day and live for nothing more,

It would not be so bad but, the bare feet most often smell,

So, I'm a baby vampire living in an aroma haunted hell. 

WATER UNDER THE MOP

I finds this bucket I can use with my mop,

So, on the floor soapy water over bucket I slop, 

But, the water seemed thick,

And, my floor tiles waned sick,

As floor tiles gave us a direction to pop. 

COFFEE RATS

In my coffee I found nuggets colored brown,

And, I bought my coffee when I was downtown,

Now, the nuggets had a rat flavor,

Like feces, not to savor,

For a drink I have to give it thumbs down.

    

PREDICTABLE FARM

I did not spray the almond tree,

I did not wash the goose,

I did not pick the tomato worms,

I did not spay the spruce,

I think the corn is truly dread,

I think the squash yields are cruel,

But, I think measures should be left unsaid,

For, they are only a farmer's tool.

MACARONI AT DINNER'S BELL

If you want friends at dinner's bell,

Then, choose your macaroni well,

And, if you really want to please,

Use a tomato sauce and cheese,

Mama's secret that you can't tell.

THE FREE MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION LIMERICK

My magazine subscriptions have run amok,

I signed up for free mags but now I'm stuck,

Now, stress thoughts start to hover,

For my funds will not cover,

My mag bills; I'm such a dumb cluck.   

THE THEATERATRICA THEATER WAS TORN DOWN

The Theateratrica Theater was felled to the ground,

Turned into pavement for the local dog pound,

And, all those memories stored,

Were destroyed board by board,

With all the talkies and movies without sound.

I RAN TO FIRST BASE

I went to the racetrack to watch others race,

I'd race myself but, I can't keep up the pace,

I raced in high school,

And, was a laughing stock tool,

So, I quit racing, joined the choir and sang base.

LIFE OF A FRESHMAN

For purposes around nights' mid,

We all carouse to feed our id,

We also binge eat,

Pizza with cheese/meat,

Sucking soda through plastic lid.

I STRUGGLED FOR DILL ON THE HILL

I struggled to get up the hill,

To pick me a sack full of dill,

For I had sour pickles to can,

And, bought dill was a ban,

For, I had no coin to pay at the till. 

PLIGHT OF THE TUMBLED TREE

Oh my pretty tree has fallen,

Now the fungi come a callin',

Fungi are aggressive dears,

Who grow big obtrusive ears,

While fungi sup I will be ballin'.