THE LIMERICK OF SOMEONE

Someone ate some pork chops and beans,

Someone ate some big leafy greens,

Someone ate some more,

Someone barfed some on the floor,

Someone feels sorry for someone who comes and cleans.

ARNIE THE GOLDFISH AND HIS GUARDIAN ANGEL

Arnie the goldfish was sitting in jail,
He was arrested for exposing his tail,
Benny the fisherman liked Arnie a bunch,
He decided to have Arnie the goldfish for lunch,
Benny the fisherman put up Arnie's bail.

I Was Abused On Social Media

Somebody just called me a "Bot,"

It's a term I'm familiar with, not,

I felt some abuse,

From the word's negative use,

So, I called my name caller a "Snot."

I VOTED IN SECRET FOR A HIGHER WAGE

I cast my vote long before election day,

I voted for higher wages on my minimum pay,

I dare not tell my boss,

Or, he'll give my bum a toss,

Then, I wouldn't get any richer if at home I had to stay.

THE BUG DINER II

Eating bugs at a diner is nothing new,

Except, if the bugs are on the menu,

While at the Bug Shack,

You get caterpillars by the rack, 

And, spiders scraped fresh from a shoe. 

MY BEST FRIEND PARANOIA

Paranoia is my best friend,
It protects me from dangers that lie around every bend,
For round each bend I just know,
The boogeyman's planing me woe,
My friend says "run away to defend."

QUEST FOR DUST

I went to get some pixie dust but, could not find a pixie,

Some said I should look up north, others said I should whistle Dixie,

So, I went out west instead,

Looked along a stream that glaciers fed, 

Alas, there was no pixie dust,

Just some gold and silver crust,

It seems my trip was one big bust,

So, I give up, I guess I must.

I CAN'T READ: I'M ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Social media is just my speed,

I just wish maybe, I had learned to read,

The pictures draw my attention,

But, I'm often lacking comprehension,

So, imagination fills my comprehension need. 

FIGS, RIGS AND BIG BUCK DEER

Amy liked to munch on figs,
While driving along in real big rigs,
Once she dropped her fig on the floor,
Then went reaching for some more,

Out jumped a big buck deer,
That caused Amy to try to veer,
She missed the buck but could not steer,
She may still eat figs, just not around here.

I PRETEND AT THE SKI LODGE

I dodged trees as I skied down the hill,

Pretending Olympic historians would find me a thrill,

And, my pretend crowd,

Was shouting so loud,

The Olympic committee paid my lodge bill.

TIME IN A THROTTLE

If I could put time in a throttle,

I'd set my spaceship to lightspeed and cruise,

At lightspeed I don't scare,

For I'm a tired old bear,

I'd go to the back of my spaceship and snooze.

  

THE CATFISH ODE IN C MINOR

The catfish has great fortitude,

And, just a bit of an attitude,

The catfish is not dainty,

Bottom feeding on stuff tainty,

A free roamer with a land catitude.

My Planet Far Beyond

I come from a planet far beyond your yellow star, the sun,

It's the planet of toys where all just play and have great fun,

While my people all love slacking,

Your people are fun, lacking,

And, you manage your relations with a gun.

A LESSON IN GRAVITY THANKS TO MY SWEET TOOTH

I went to the dentist to fix a cavity,

He blamed my lack of judgment and my sweet tooth depravity,

But, I have no other treats,

Except, for my sweet candy sweets,

When the dentist chair collapsed I blamed it on gravity.

BIG FOOT VAMPIRE SUCKS BLOOD TILL THEY'RE DEAD

Connor the vampire made big media news,

It was,discovered he wore size 35 shoes,

But, after a bite on the neck,

No one gave a heck,

For they were down with the blood sucker blues.

THE UNIVERSE DREAMS

As we master connections through entanglement schemes,

With connected tissues that have no wires or beams,

With understanding or not,

We live out the plot,

Forever as the universe dreams,

We've found the alpha and omega at last,

Unified space and tme; present, future and past,

And, in this reality we face,

What defines our place?

Well, we're more audience and not the stars in the cast.

COLLECTING COINS FOR UTILITY BILLS

When I was young at numismatics I was a wonder,

I went through pocket change looking for rare coins to plunder,

Alas, I grew up and those thrills,

Ended with utility bills,

Which ravaged my collection asunder.

The Rare Bird

I'm a rare bird because I like to learn,

Not to make money; I have no ambition to earn,

I do think it's vital,

I receive the teacher title,

Then, my knowledge from you folks, I'll return.

I CHASED OFF A,POACHER AND SHARED A BEER WITH MY BEAR

I caught a bad guy way out back,

He was poaching deer near his lean-to shack,

So, I gave him a scare,

By calling in a big bear,

He ran off and left his beer in a sack.

TODAY I'M THE BIRTHDAY BOY

Today, I'm the big birthday boy,

I'll make tacos to give my belly joy,

A brownie I'll bake,

For my birthday cake,

For my present, I won't eat any soy.

I LOVE THE OLD APPLE TREE

Made poor by my bills, I would never be free,

I worked in a store and ate only lint tea,

Then, I married a real outsider,

But, a real steady provider,

One catch, I married an old apple tree.

DILLY THE SCRATCHY CAT

My cat Dilly shows me love with his scratches,

That's why I keep around some extra eye patches,

And, Dilly my friend, 

Will scratch my end to end,

The scratch on my foot and my face are matches. 

A WITCHES CURSE AND MY CAR PASSED GAS

A witch put a curse on my transportation,

I cut her off; she followed me to the gas station,

And, when I put in gas,

To the ground it would pass,

Then, I lit up like the birthday of our nation.