I ENTERED A BEAUTY CONTEST LIMERICK

I entered a beauty contest,

And, I gave it all of my best,

But, I had disproportional stacking,

And, way too much backing,

Of course, my hair was a big bedbug nest.   

THE NEEDLE IN THE THIGH SUGAR HIGH

I thought I was going to die,

When my tailor stuck a needle in my thigh,

It hurt so bad I had to cry,

Then, I looked at my tailor and didn't have to ask why?

My tailor had all over his tie,

A chocolate bar both melted and dry,

It seems my tailor was on a sugar high,

So, I thought I'd give another tailor a try.

OBEY THE LAW OR YOU WILL BE SPLAYED

In Midland they have an old saying,

In Clare it's a law worth obeying,

Don't eat any old Christmas wreath,

For it will green up your teeth,

And, your entrails will feel like their splaying. 

PRESCRIPTION SPILLS ADD TO MY BILLS

Because of frequent spills,

I ran out of my prescription pills,

When I asked to replace,

My insurance said "face,"

So, replacement costs are one more of my bills.

THE SPARROW'S NUMBER WAS UP

For the sparrow it was up, his number,

He was frozen to a dead branch in slumber,

His life had past,

So brief, so fast,

One dead bird sitting on dead lumber,

THE NETHERWORLD ONLINE

I found the nether world online,

A place where pop and chips recline,

It's a place to slumber,

With re-attributed lumber,

Where my firebox becomes  the place I hang wine.

THE ONLINE DOC

Bobby was not well attended,

When he broke his arm it barely mended,

The doc's degree they say,

The doc won on eBay,

"Highest bid," the doc defended.

AN ICE FISHERMAN'S REVENGE

I caught a snowman fishing in my shanty on the lake,
He had caught fifty perch, it was a really great take,
But, he would not share,
So, to make it all fair,
I locked him in my shanty and turned the stove up to bake.

NO CALENDAR NEW YEAR

It's January One and it is the worst,

The new year has begun and it's already the first,

Auld Lang Syne we have sang,

And, I have no calendar to hang,

Soon, the vein in my forehead shall burst.