THE WET WHISTLE FISHERMAN

My whistle was wet but, my fishing gear was all dry,

For I fell overboard when my aft turned awry,

Of course it was not a good day,

For my boat sailed away,

And, a shark ate me like a side order fry.

DAD'S RECOLLECTION OF HIS FATHER AT WAR

My grandfather fought in World War One,

He got gassed by the Germans and found out that war was not fun,

 And, for twenty-one days,

In the war's horrendous haze,  

"He was behind enemy lines," said his son.  

BUNYAN WENT SPITTING FROM THE MITTEN

Overtures to the waters that surround the great mitten,

For across these waters Paul Bunyan went spittin',

But, Bunyan spit way too far,

Hit the Dutch Royal Car,

It's good it weren't baseballs he was hittin'.

THE DIVINE LOOKING EDGES

I dreamed I had a haircut and my beard was cut so fine,

I got compliments for neatness by those not drinking beer nor wine, 

But, what is a dream?

Just a play with no scheme,

Besides, looking rough around the edges is divine.

THE SINKING TURTLE DREAM

With too much water, he might drink,

A little turtle just might sink,

And, while diving deep,

He just might sleep,

And, dream of seaweed that is pink. 

HEAT THE TUNA WELL BEFORE YOU POUCH IT

Oh, that poor little fish in my pouch tuna treat,

You see, I eat fish everyday and I never eat meat,

But, while in my stomach lying,

That last tuna was really crying,

Methinks, when processed the tuna didn't get enough heat.

 

OUTHOUSE PHILOSOPHY

As they gaze out their outhouse portal,

Many people dream of being immortal,

But, a firm rap on the door,

And, you wish you could stay more,

And, knowing your place in the world makes you chortle.

ANTIQUE UNDERGARMENTS FOR SALE

I saw some claiming to be antique pickers,

Buying up twelfth century knickers,

But, pickers should curtail,

Their penchant for resale,

Or, display black plague warnings on stickers.

THE TAXIDERMIST LIMERICK

In the North there was a man who did taxidermy,

He resurrected his critters before the pelts got all wormy,

Some thought he was nuts,

Because he cooked up the guts,

And, made sausage that was hot and real squirmy.  

ROOMS IN THE MIST

Wanting more like Oliver Twist

I keep mushroom hunts on my to do list,

But, no mushrooms, so sad, 

I guess the soil's gone real bad,

Still, I'll keep hunting mushrooms in the early morn mist. 

JIM'S NEW ABODE

Jim is very poor at driving down the road,

He swerved his car because he thought he saw a toad,

Jim swerved into the other lane,

Where a semi caused him pain,

Then, a hospital became Jimmy's new abode. 

MOTHER'S DAY LIMERICK

Mother's Day oh, Mother's Day,

More than flowers for mothers in May,

For all we conceive,

And, all we achieve,

We celebrate those who created the way.

THE WATER WONDER KIN

As I was walking in the rain,

On the sidewalk white and plain,

The water ran into the drain,

And, I thought that it was just insane,

All that water around my feet,

Draining in rivers down the street, 

Could be sent to places with bone dry heat,

Then, I forgot such thoughts for it was time to eat.  

MA'S DAY IN THE BACKWOODS

In the backwoods it's Mother's Day,

But, that's no time for ma to play,

Her family has got to eat,

So, prepare the mince meat,

With side pork and greens pulled from clay.

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

ELVES IN DETROIT

Wayland the Smith was the king of all elves,
He worked in Detroit making pistons and valves,
He got tired one day,
From his hard work at low pay,
So, he led his ilk to make cars for themselves.

THE ELEVATION OF FEET

Hurrah feet for the load you're bearing,

Alas, tender are the feet I'm wearing,

Of course I'm a big winier,

But, my feet fit well the recliner,

So, off the floor my feet I'm chairing.

LOCKLIEL SHOULD NOT PLAY TRUMPET

Lockliel played the trumpet from end to end hour,

The more that he played the less his money shower,

And, one wonderful day,

The police took Lockliel away,

Then, silence was testimony to his power. 

BATTERY ACID DONE ME HARM

Battery acid does great harm,

It burned a scar across my arm,

It burned a hole in my tongue and cheek,

What relief did I seek?,

Of course water scored,

After an intake I out poured,

And, the aftertaste was most vial,

I would not recommend a trial,

So, when battery acid leaks I've learned,

Dilute the acid or worsen what's burned,

Of course I've embellished so, saith the cynic,

Yet, I have proof in my bills from the Mayo Clinic.

THE PARENTS OF A TV FLY

We're the parents of a TV fly,

When we see him cross the tube it makes us cry,

We're afraid he'll be a rotter,

After a hit with a fly swatter,

It's much safer crossing a toilet or a pie.

BINGE EATING MY DEPRESSION AWAY

I've ceased watching all cooking shows,

Because, when I watch my waste line grows and grows,

I sold cooking utensils so dear,

It made my depression severe,

So, I binge ate myself out of my cloths.

TUNES, LUNCH MOWING AND THE LUNCH DEITY LIMERICK

When I went out to mow my sod,
In my ear I stuck my pod,
I quenched my brain with tunes,
Turned my grasslands into dunes,
Then, went in to worship my lunch god.