OH, NO ODE

I went down to the old damn where the water flowed,

It looked so awfully pretty I wanted to compose an ode,

Alas, for my ode I had no gimmick,

So, I composed a silly limerick,

And, all the critics said it was a major manure load.

WHERE DID THE PETS COME FROM?

My doggie has no pedigree; my cat came in from the wild,

My finch showed up in my bird cage one day;  his temperament is mild, 

My pet snake slithered up from the swamp one night,

My fox came from the hen house of farmer Dwight,

My rat I found out back one day where the chicken bones are piled.  

GETTING YOUR HEAD CLEAR

Although things are falling apart and the world is in a rush,

It is time to meditate and tell the world to hush,

Control that fear,

Your goal is clear,

Just remember when you're done to flush.

MY HOME COOKING SECRETS

If you cook something that no one will eat,

Cover it with gravy for a quick deceit,

If there's time to change "reject" to "devour,"

Then, deep fat fry the stuff after dipping in four,

There's always a way to make crap food a treat.

KEEP INTERNAL ORGANS FROM LIGHTENING STRIKES

A lightening bolt strike messed up my organs real bad,

It upset my stomach and I lost my lunch, just a tad,

My bladder emptied real fast,

I felt better at last,

I joined my late grandma, passed aunt and dead dad.

ORANGE IS THE COLOR OF MY TRUE LOVE'S FACE🎨

Orange is the color of my true loves face,🍊🖕

It makes them stand out and garner first place,🍔🍔🍔🍕🍕🍕🍩🍩🍩💰💰💰

If they'd only stay quiet,🐷🔇

They wouldn't incite constant riot,🎃

And, might join what is called "human race."👴👐🚽

THE KING WHO DOES NOT SHARE

The king of Mars won't share any of his beer, 

And, on planet mars all beer is dear,

So it's back to the earth,

Where I started at birth,

Where spirits are as plentiful as corn ear.

HOW I GOT OUT OF MY TIMESHARE

Out to the mailbox I chanced to bear scout,

But, never a bear I found there about,

But, a cougar made me dead

When, he bit off my head,

O.K., from my timeshare I finally got out.

I FOUND A DOLLAR ON THE FLOOR

 I found a dollar on the floor,

The one I lost the day before,

I had accused my roommate of stealing,

Which hurt his self-worth and feeling,

And, started a name calling war. 

THE PRESIDENT IS CRAZY SO I TEST HIS I.Q.

If I sum some sums each day,

I receive a stipends, a little pay,

And what sums do I do,

Well, I grade a test for I.Q.,

For presidents with minds that aren't quite O.K.

I INQUIRED THEN I WAS ACQUIRED

My portrait was hung but, it was in low regard,

It advertised a bounty for a criminal rated "hard,"

I inquired with a call,

I was met by policemen Et. Al,

I spend most of my days playing ball in the yard.

MY OVERHEATED WORKOUT TURNED COLD

During my workout I got way overheated,

So, I grabbed a cold drink and quickly I seated,

My shirt was drenched, solid wet,

I ripped it off, now I regret,

My belly is cold and my back likewise treated.

I PORT WINE DINE ON A TIC-TOC PINE

It's the rhythmic tone for which I pine,🕰

When the tic-toc chime called me to dine,🍱

My tic-toc was smashed,💔

When my roof caved and crashed,🏚

Now, I drink outdoors the cheapest port wine.🍷

WHY I CHAW

Chewing tobacco dirties my skin pores,

It gets stuck in my throat and causes night snores,

So, why do I chew?

Well, I look cooler than you,

And, that opens up those opportunity doors.

I FLEW TO CORNING AND DIED

On today's dark wicked, heated morning,

The churning sky fog was a fear felt warning,

Then, Mr. Tornado Man came here,

He broke my body that I loved dear,

And, moved my bod from Detroit to Corning.

MY TENTATIVE JOB MAKES ME PART OF THE MOB

I have a tentative job,

As a hit-man for a notorious mob,

I won't feel too sad,

For I'll be after the bad,

Who, from gangsters they're attempting to rob.

THE PICKLE SAGA

And the pickle kept on growing,

Numb pickle brain remained unknowing,

After a quick peel,

It became my meal,

I saved some seeds for future sowing.

COPING WITH COVID BLUES

I hear nothing but bad news,

I have the Covid virus blues,

I can only cope, 

By voting out the dope,

With the orange face and short twit fuse.

I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP

Some days I just have to get sleep,

So, my pretty face I can keep,

Everyone pines,

To lose facial lines,

And, late nights cause face lines to creep.

I CHEATED TO GO TO SCHOOL

I got into college but I had to cheat,

I loaded the dean's freezer with a ton of deer meat,

I gained lots of knowledge,

While in barber college,

And, the dean had plenty to eat.