THE TAMBOURLESS TAMBOURINE

My tambourine doesn't tambour at all,

It has a hole in the middle the size of a tether ball,

I lost my job in a band,

I live mouth to hand,

I need a tambourine repairman to call. 

WHAT KILLED THE BLOODSUCKER?

What killed the bloodsucker I found on my arm?

What's in my blood that did this fella harm?

Was it the 10-year-old champagne?

Or, the 12-year-old candy cane?

My blood is toxic so, I feel some alarm.

FARM DATES

I ate fruits and veggies and bloated up really big,

I caught the eye of farm animals like the cow and the pig,

I told them I would not date,

I already had a mate,

I'm a trucker and I married my rig.

THE GAS GIANT PART III

I finally caught up with the gas giant near Orion's Belt,

He had been cloning raisins then, he started to smuggle felt, 

In the thirty-fifth century felt is very rare,

Anyone who controls the market could treat people most unfair,

I've promised all the giant's victims a piece of his cankered pelt.

OLD MURPHY LONGED FOR HOME ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY

Old Murphy thought of his home in Cork far, far away,

As he always did after the Ides of March on St. Patrick's Day,

Although in Murphy's grave his flesh did melt,

Beside his wife, the pretty Celt,

He longed for the place his ancestor's dwelt,

Where his heart would forever stay.  

PURSUIT OF THE GAS GIANT II

I am hunting down the gas giant for crimes that he's committed,

In every galaxy he's passed through the police he has outwitted,

The giant doesn't need a spacecraft for lightspeed to pass,

Lightspeed he achieves by release of noxious gas,

Warning:  if you breathe his molecules you'll soon be deemed dimwitted.

I PRAY FOR THE VOLE

There was a vole under the snow,

He ate the bark on my trees, the trees died and wouldn't grow,

I tried forgiving thoughts but, my thoughts at best,

Labeled the vole a nasty pest,

I do pray that the vole finds eternal rest.

I FROZE MY NOSE

I froze my nose,

Then, off it goes,

My new nose is steel,

No sunburn, no peal,

 I still snore when I doze.

WITH NO DEATH STICKS IN THE QUIVER, IT'S FAST DOWN THE RIVER

My bow has no quiver with death sticks to deliver,

I stand harmless in the snow with a shake and a shiver,

Along comes a buck with a large rack on his head,

It is all pointy points so, methinks I'll be dead,

The beast stabs at me in my kidney, heart and liver,

I step backwards and fall into the Manistee River,

Fast down the river my limp body works its way,

Until, it rests in a hole beneath wood, stones and clay.

THE IDES OF MARCH COME THIS WAY

The Ides Of March come this way,

With so many ex-wives I fear I am prey,

They have long memories, my wives,

 I fear their long knives,

For like Caesar, I'll become a fillet.

PLASTIC BEADS FOR MY NEEDS

I am an investor in plastic beads,

They are the savings for my future needs,

I know my investment is sound,

For they weigh up by the pound,

Soon, I can buy me a shop that sells meads. 

NINE WERE WOLVES AND TEN WERE PIGS

Nine were wolves and ten were pigs,

Nineteen souls dancing four-legged jigs,

The wolves made their call,

The pigs could only bawl,

The wolves finished the night eating pork stuffed figs.

 

A RIDE ON THE PRISE

I took a trip in a spacecraft called Private Enterprise,

The smallness of Earth really opened my eyes,

I then threw up my spaghetti,

Thought I saw a mama yeti,

And, I blacked out before I entered Earth's skies.