A FAREWELL TO MY BACON-WRAPED CHEESE-STUFFED POTATO

Oh, woe is me, I must eat healthier food,

Less, I should become an unhealthy dude,

My bacon-cheese potato,

Is replaced by a salad with grape tomato,

Now I'll live much longer but, I'll be in a crapy mood.

I MARRIED THE OLD FISH FROM THE SEA

I married an old fish who came from the sea,
He was a jolly old fish but, smelly was he,
Perfumes and deodorants didn't take,
I swear they're all fake,
He does smell a bit better when he drinks ginger tea.

LAY ME DOWN MY WIG

Lay me down my wig at night, lay me down my wig,

Then, I'll chug down my bourbon and have my final cig,

 Tomorrow I'll awaken with hardly any sleep,

And, I hope at work I do o.k. so, my job I just might keep,  

I think it is incredible each day that I survive,

Until, I drop dead at work and am declared an unalive,

Of course, there are the medicines I take for my aches and pains,

 These meds have scrambled up my guts and eaten away my brains,

To live to be a pensioner I think is real naive,

For all the decades I have worked, not one penny I'll receive,

I have no riches to pass on to my son when he gets big,

But, I'm sure it will fit him so, I bequeath to him my wig.

FROM COLLEGE: LETTER TO MY HIGH SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND

Deary, deary, deary, dear,

The worst has happened so, I fear,

I met another because you're not here,

I know you love me and you will tear,

Deary, deary, deary, dear,

At school my social life made me wrong stear,

I met a girl who brings me great cheer,

She washes my feet and cleans each ear,

Oh deary, deary, deary, dear,

I guess goodby for at least this year,

Think on me often although, we're not near,

I know your sad but, you still have beer. 

SANTA CAN'T HANDLE EGGNOG

Santa got into his eggnog and delivered presets on the Fourth of July,
Of course, everyone was glad to get presents so, no one asked Santa, "why?"
Next day Santa woke up atop the Mar's rover,
His deer were on earth munching on some green clover,
Santa couldn't remember his adventure because he didn't want to try.

666

Until I was six I could not use a chainsaw,
Then, at age six I was a man so, said my pa,
But, he did not express any charm,
When I sliced off his arm,
I got a spanking and my bottom is still raw.

COUSIN FARMER

He feeds them beans,

And, turnip greens,

Although my cousin is just a farmer,

Among the ladies he's quite a charmer,

Until roasting farm animal spleens.

MOTHER'S DAY WITHOUT A MOM

Quoting poets or a special psalm,

I can't find words for my precious mom,

Although, she's been gone more than a year,

On Mother's Day, I shed the tear,

 And, through it saw her standing near. 

I SAW A LYNX IN MY BACKYARD

Out my window, I saw a lynx in my backyard,

He ate a goose who was eating my swiss  chard,

I didn't chase the lynx away,

In fact, I hoped he would stay,

He's a goose eater and my garden guard.

I INVENTED ANTI-GRAVITY

Today I invented anti-gravity,

I lost a tooth but, it had a big cavity,

I just drove along and hit ice,

The saucer rotation was nice,

The cliff though, was bad angel depravity. 

I NEED A PIECE OF MINCE MEAT PIE

Wendy baked a massive mince meat pie,

It alerted my sniffer; there was love in my eye,

If I am to prosper and live,

Please, a pie piece to me give,

Or, my will to live will just wither and die.

MY CHOICES OF A FISH FOR SUPPER

What fish do I eat tonight?

My goldfish is hanging with blight,

My swordfish is floating,

In some post mortem coating,

And, my guppy lerches to the right. 

MY SECRET INGREDIENT TO QUICK CAKES

I went to Kentucky to get me some snakes,

The ones that have rattles, the ones used in quick cakes,

I barely walked up a hill,

And, found a rattlesnake kill,

Thick boots, not sandals are what this trip takes.

APRIL FOOL'S AND THE FISH FACED ROBBERS

I saw 4 men dressed as fish get out of a tank,
They loaded their guns and went into a bank,
Then, when they were done looting,
They came out of the bank shooting,
April Fool's, I drove their tank into the lake where it sank.

THE TAMBOURLESS TAMBOURINE

My tambourine doesn't tambour at all,

It has a hole in the middle the size of a tether ball,

I lost my job in a band,

I live mouth to hand,

I need a tambourine repairman to call. 

WHAT KILLED THE BLOODSUCKER?

What killed the bloodsucker I found on my arm?

What's in my blood that did this fella harm?

Was it the 10-year-old champagne?

Or, the 12-year-old candy cane?

My blood is toxic so, I feel some alarm.

FARM DATES

I ate fruits and veggies and bloated up really big,

I caught the eye of farm animals like the cow and the pig,

I told them I would not date,

I already had a mate,

I'm a trucker and I married my rig.

THE GAS GIANT PART III

I finally caught up with the gas giant near Orion's Belt,

He had been cloning raisins then, he started to smuggle felt, 

In the thirty-fifth century felt is very rare,

Anyone who controls the market could treat people most unfair,

I've promised all the giant's victims a piece of his cankered pelt.

OLD MURPHY LONGED FOR HOME ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY

Old Murphy thought of his home in Cork far, far away,

As he always did after the Ides of March on St. Patrick's Day,

Although in Murphy's grave his flesh did melt,

Beside his wife, the pretty Celt,

He longed for the place his ancestor's dwelt,

Where his heart would forever stay.  

PURSUIT OF THE GAS GIANT II

I am hunting down the gas giant for crimes that he's committed,

In every galaxy he's passed through the police he has outwitted,

The giant doesn't need a spacecraft for lightspeed to pass,

Lightspeed he achieves by release of noxious gas,

Warning:  if you breathe his molecules you'll soon be deemed dimwitted.