TOGETHER, WE DO THE NEW YEAR

You know, all of my friends are make believe,

We're getting together, on New Year's Eve,

We'll all walk to the pub,

Drink a beer; eat a sub,

Head home, and wait for this year, to leave.😀😭

THE STORY OF AI CHARLIE

I'm not well educated, because I only went to school one year,

Somewhere between 1st grade and kindergarten, my learning took a veer,

Yet, my brain still grows,

Watching old game shows,

My ever growing intelligence, is something all should rightly fear.

HILL FIRE AND THE PILGRIMS

I'm a big, old fire-breathing dragon, who lives up on the hill,

I scare those pesky pilgrims, who sneak up upon me, for their thrill,

I breath fire upon their britches,

They go screaming for full ditches,

Pilgrims are just darn lucky, I don't barbeque them, like a grill.

THE LAKE ROAST

I got in the car, and drove up north to the potato bake,

Nana and gramps roasted spuds in a fire, down by the lake,

The spuds were wrapped in tin foil,

With the required olive oil,

We ate our potatoes with beans, and for desert, we chewed cake.

THE HOMELESS OPTIMIST

I found two big cardboard boxes, and built a brand new home,

I'll no longer remain on the streets, and endlessly roam,

I felt an incredible high,

When I found some crust from a pie,

I could build me a bed, if I found some rags and some foam.

MY MILITARY CAREER ENDED, BECAUSE OF IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES.

I told my Sarge, I couldn't run another mile,

I told him that running was just not my style,

Well, oh darn, and oh shoot,

The army gave me the boot,

After they made me sit in jail for awhile. 

RETAIL THEFT IN AMERICA: IN MY DRAWERS

I went into my life's work, and began working,

I live retail, so my life is checkout clerking,

Customer #4,

I threw out the store door,

Because in my cash drawer, I caught her lurking.  

I ATE HIM FOR DINNER

I use to do cartwheels, when I was a kid,

I once did them on ice, and down the hill slid,

I slid into the road,

Found a fresh, frozen toad,

I ate him for dinner, I did.

I ASKED FOR A VACATION, AND WAS TOLD WHERE TO GO

I told my boss, I was living in a simulation,

To heal and get real, I needed a nice long vacation,

He gave neither a laugh, nor smile,

Told me, out his door, I should file,

I shuffled back to my little, cubicle workstation. 

GRANDPA WAS A VICTIM OF CRYPTO-CURRENCY

I bought crypto-currency, and I got a surprise,

I had laser beams, flying out of my beady eyes,

I eye laser some nice pork,

Drank red wine that had a cork,

Then I looked at my grandpa, and that was his demise.

FLIP, FLOP AND POP

I had 12 cans of ginger beer pop,

I was drinking ginger beer, non-stop,

I passed out in my sleigh,

They found me next day,

My ulcer gave my heart a flip flop.

I WENT FROM WRITING TO BIRDING

The auto grammar fixes, and spelling checkers of sentences and words,

Make my writings completely abysmal, for the fixes come out as turds,

The  turd changes make me cry,

I no longer wish to try,

So I bought some new binoculars; I thought I'd be a watcher of birds.

FINANCES GOT UGLY, SO I MOVED IN WITH MY HALF BRO

I went gaming online, and lost a bundle of cash,

I moved in with my brother, and he's what you'd call, trash,

I sold my yacht, car and boat,

My home, jewels and fur coat,

And, a sticky dump with dirt floors, is now where I crash.

PAINT THE WEASEL AND DIE

I went out to Little Twin Lake, to find me a sabre tooth weasel.

I wanted to paint his picture on a canvass, held by an easel.

Found the weasel, and he got uptight,

Gave me a sabre tooth weasel bite,

I crawled to the road; stoped a semi-truck, which ran on stinky diesel.

MY EARS GOT A BATH IN THE BAY

I once had two large facial organs, some call ears,

I lost them fishing out on the crowded, bay piers,

For an entire day,

Fish hooks flew round my way,

I felt nothing, because I was full of malt beers.

I'M A BIG SHOT, WITH A SUIT AND SHOWER CURTAIN

I went to Canada to buy a green curtain, for my bathroom shower,

A Canadian shower curtain, shows I have a real super power,

For I fill a great need,

I sell suits that are tweed,

My tweed stores are gaining market share, every minute, every hour.

THE CAT WHO WOULD SLEEP ON HIS STINK

My silly pussy cat was really poky and slow,

It took him 8 hours to find his litter box and go,

Then he would fall asleep,

On his litter box heap,

Then I'd make him go outdoors, and roll around in the snow.

I COULD NOT GIVE UP WITCHCRAFT

I'm a reformed, great powers witch, but a back slider,

Because I turned a fly into a big, black spider,

The evil deed was all done,

My witch habit had re-begun,

I made the spider big, now I'm a spider rider.

OH WOE, MY RIZZ IS BAD

I am told I have extremely "bad rizz",

My personality, has done a fizz,

How does rizz grow?

If it grow, will I know?

I want my popularity to sizz.

A VENISON CHRISTMAS

I spent my Christmas morning, hand feeding red apples to the deer,

I petted every single deer, showing them they need not fear,

My next door neighbor, Mean Joe,

Shot every buck and doe,

He's been cutting up venison, I hope he brings some over here.

DON'T DRINK YOUR BUBBLE BATH

I drank some bubble bath, and it did not taste like wine,

It made me so sick, I felt too ill to dinner dine,

Pa gave me a corporal spanking,

I lost my allowance, for banking,

Now I know what not to drink, because pa drew the line.

VORTEX-COLD

I got polar vortexed, and it really didn't feel, very good,

I used all my tanked propane, and burned every stick of wood,

It froze hairs, and the attached skin,

Froze my soups, preserved in cheap tin,

I can't walk through a polar vort, even with my fluffy hood.

A REINDEER FOR CHRISTMAS

All of my kids demanded a real, live pony for Christmas, this year,

Ponies have become way too pricey, so I bought a nice, sweet reindeer,

It's nice to pet; fur is soft as silk,

It's a girl, so the kids get milk,

When she dies, I'll roast her in the oven, marinated in root beer.

HOW DID THE POISONOUS CHRISTMAS BEETLE INFEST HOMES.

There was a little Christmas beetle, that climbed down from my Christmas tree,

The Christmas beetle was so cute and cuddly, that I just let him be,

I worried the beetle had rabies,

But I didn't expect all the babies,

By the time the next springtime came, beetles filled my house up like a sea. 

THE CASE OF THE STOLEN CHRISTMAS CHOPS

Mommy made Santa fine pork chops, for the Eve before Christmas day,

I thought fat Santa didn't need pork chops, so I stole them all away,

I ate purloined chops all night long,

I realized next morn, I'd done wrong,

Fat Santa had left me nothing, when he visited with his sleigh.

A GREEN BEAST CHRISTMAS WITH NANNA

For Christmas, I bought nanna,🍷 the biggest, most savage, green beast,

It eats only un-alive meat, and ancient, full dead, wine yeast,

The night before our big holiday dinner,

I gave nana my gift, it was a winner,

Nanna didn't show up for our big meal, and missed a spiral ham feast.

BENNY CHANGED: FROM A BOIL TO A GOYLE

Benny had a horrible, throbbing, green boil,

He got rid of it with a can of snake oil,

Benny made worldwide, billions,

Selling snake oils to millions,

Then Benny married a beautiful gargoyle.  

MOOSE THE GOOSE MADE CLYDE HIDE

I had a hound dog, my pa named him Clyde,

Clyde took off running from the farm, to hide,

Clyde tangled with Moose,

Our goose that got loose,

Moose bit Clyde on his back, bottom and side.

SANTA HAS LABOR ISSUES

Santa isn't using reindeer to pull his sleigh, this year,

Instead, he's hired unicorns, they're cheap, they'll work for beer,

The reindeer have gone on strike,

Want more breaks, and a pay hike,

The elves won't cross the picket lines, and Christmas Eve is near.

FEAST AROUND AND FIND OUT: THE IVY FUR BOOT STORY

I had beautiful ivy plants, growing by my old barn, 

I found my Ivy plants dead, one day, and I said, "oh, darn",  

Two groundhogs ate the tender roots,

Hogs feel good, in my fur lined boots,

Now I won't need to knit new socks, so I'll return the yarn. 

THEY CAME FOR CHRISTMAS AND WILL STAY ALL WINTER.

The only gift I got Christmas day, was a pine tree full of bugs,

When I brought my tree inside, the bugs thawed and fell onto my rugs,

Oh, Christmas green tree

How hateful of ye,

I'll be scratching all winter long, because of bug bites, digs and dugs.

SOLSTICE

I only get it once a year,

The winter solstice, lets be clear,

It's a cold night,

Warm clothes are tight,

Then at midnight, we raise a beer.

GRAY STUFFY MAKES A MAN

He-man Herman's nose was fat, red and full of gray stuffy,

Around his little eyeballs, it was dank, dark and puffy,

When Herman blew his nose,

Stuffy covered his clothes,

Herman wouldn't change, because he felt tough, manly and roughy.

THE CRYPTO BILLIONAIRE

I invested $15.00 in crypto this morning, by noon,  I was a millionaire,

Mama told me I was crazy, and of crypto money, I had better beware,

By next week my one million,

Will turn into a billion,

Then I'll move out of mama's basement into a mansion, I'm just not sure quite where.

THE FOREST PRIMEVAL MONSTER

I went to the snow filled forest, Primeval, today,

To cut down some trees, to heat my cabin until May,

Used a sleigh, pulled by dogs,

To bring back all my logs,

A forest monster, followed me back to where I stay.

I MET HER IN MANCELONA: COUGAR EYES AND BAD BREATH

I went to Mancelona just to see where it is at,

The only thing I found there was a female, cougar cat,

The cougar decided to eat,

I had blubber, but not much meat,

I think amongst cougar cats, eating tourists is so, brat.

ICE HONEY HOLIDAYS

In Michigan, we have in the winter, what we call, snow bees,

They hibernate in summer, and in winter make ice honeys,

The public wallet is the jurist,

Ice honey is a fav of tourists,

Ice honeys are made, until it's time for chocolate bunnies.

BURNT BY DRONES

My small, quiet home was attacked by aerial drones today,

I believe the drone soldiers came from somewhere far, far away,

So many drones did fly,

They darkened the day, sky,

They made me a smoking, charred carcass, by using a death ray.

CHRISTMAS WINTER SNOWBALL CHILI

My special Christmas Winter Chili, did not turn out so well,

I subed snowballs for meatballs, but where the balls went, I can't tell,

There was no grease at all, but lots of cold water,

The chili was diluted, and made less hotter,

I won't market my Chili, because I'm sure it will not sell.

THE DAM THAT BURST

When the lake dam burst, my log cabin took a rigorous swim,

Along with my sports card collection, and my pet spider, Jim,

The log cabin fell apart,

Nothing left for a restart,

No sports cards were recovered, and neither was my spider, Jim.

Martian Drones Are Here Shopping For Christmas🎄🎁

There was a mystery drone that landed on my trailer house,

The drone crushed in the roof a bit, and caused an "eek!", from a mouse,

I snuck outside for a peek,

The drone was taking a leak,

The drone said it was shopping for a Christmas gift, a blouse.

BEN, EMPATHY AND SPACE INVADERS CAME

Ben climbed up to the top of a mountain, to look down on the city,

Ben was excited to watch off-world drones, attack without pity,

Where those drones attacked,

Skyscrapers got whacked,

A fireworks factory got hit, and that explosion was pretty.

HOLIDAY ANXIETY, SENT ME TO THE NOOK.

I made out all my Christmas cards, but I could not find my address book,

I thought of where it could be, but it wasn't there when I took a look,

My anxiety got so severe,

I smashed a little, plastic reindeer,

Then I went down to the old pub, and sat all by myself in the nook.  

MY MUSIC GOES TO THE MOON

My lunar lander fell to the moon, and had a big, total crash,

I didn't pay attention, I was ear mellowing, to Johnny Cash,

On an alien world of woe,

My bones were broke and crushed, head to toe,

Of earth, I wondered, who would claim my Country Western music stash.

I GET EVEN WITH GUPPIES

I was raising expensive little corals in my guppy, fishy tank, 

I wanted to sell corals for money, and put the money in the bank,   

But, those crazy, guppy fish,

Ate my corals, for nutrish,  

I put in the guppy tank a piranha, and his name is Hungry Hank.

GUPPY JERKY

My fish tank was so full of guppies, they flopped onto the floor,

They'd dry and my kitty would eat them, then looked around for more,

The guppies dried; became jerky,

A chewy husk that was quirky,

I started selling jerked guppies, on all of my online stores.

NO PEAS, WATER AND BARLEY FOR FARLEY

My newest, best friend, Giggles Farley, 

Many claimed, he liked to make parlay,

But, he wouldn't speak,

Wouldn't open his beak,

He missed getting pea soup with barley.

DOLPH, THE SHINY TAILED REINDEER

Dolph, the sleigh bell, Santa reindeer, had a big, shiny tail,

You could see him flying through snowstorms, and rainstorms with hail,

On coco, Dolph, was wired,

So, Dolph, never got tired,

Dolph, led Santa's sleigh, after his red nosed father, expired.

WHAT DOES A TIGER EAT? ANYTHING HE WANTS

I bought a giant pet tiger, and I fed him noodles and cake,

Yet, somehow he just was not happy, and one day he did awake,

He ate my guppies, dogs and cats,

Ate my spouse, and kids, they were brats,

Then my pet tiger chewed on me, and caused all my bones to ache.

READY FOR SANTA

I decorated with lights, that make twinkles

I made sugar cookies, and added sprinkles,

I hung up my longest, clean stocking,

Put Teddy in the chair, that's rocking,

Made a path to the bath, for Santa's tinkles.

SNOW DOWN AND ADMIRE THE OUTDOORS

I admired my great tree all covered with snow,

Then, the darn wind began to blow,

And there was a great crashing sound,

As the tree hit the ground,

Now, I've got free firewood, and saved some doe.

THERE WERE THREE SHIPS COME SINKING

There were three ships come sinking; they were sinking on Christmas Day,

There were three ships come sinking, pulled down by monsters in the bay,

For the little girls and boys,

There went the promised Christmas toys,

Christmas ruined by tariff monsters, who stole the fun, away.😭😭😭😭😭

EXTREME COLD: MICHIGAN, THE FREEZER STATE

I ran into my Uncle Karl, who lives down in the del,

By the size of his stomach, I knew that Karl wintered well,

Taters and fried cakes,

Is just what it takes,

To survive winters in Michigan, if that is where you dwell.

DRONES OVER THE TRAILER PARK

My trailer park is being overrun by flying drones,

The flying drones interfere with our functioning cell phones,

Our TVs have gone hush,

Our full toilets, won't flush,

And, drone ray guns burn the flesh off our bones.

RETURN OF THE DILL PICKLE DIET

I just took a look at my stacks of bills,

I kind of got the sad, Willy, weird, chills,

To feed my sweet, cute face,

I overspent, disgrace,

I'll return those big jars of pickled dills.

LEAVING TOWN

In my public hanging, I was gallows, displayed,

Fortuitous, I had a knife with a sharp blade,

With death, I could not coupe,

So, I cut my neck rope,

I rode out of town, leading a soldier's parade.

DIRTY DISHES, LOCKED IN

I had lots of dirty dishes to do, and I locked in,

There were so many dishes, it could have been a great win,

With all the dishes laid about,

I soon felt tired, and locked out,

And, my many dirty dishes, overflowed my trash bin.

THE LITTLE PIC WAS SENT HOME

The piccolo player only played with one hand,

He would make awful sounds, when he played in our band,

He had the tears of the sad,

When we all got really mad,

But, we all were happy, once pic player was canned.

BEAR CUT

I moved to Clare Michigan, to be a cutter of hair,

Things were going very well, until in walks a Clare bear,

I cut some hair off the top,

Then the big bear yelled, "Stop!",

I wanted to cut much more, but I didn't think I should dare.

SCHOOL LUNCHES: WHAT'S IN YOUR MEATLOAF?

What happened to the animals in the zoo?

When they closed the old zoo, some animals flew,

Other animals, it's said,

Became a stew, for dipped bread,

That news made many little children, boohoo.  😭😭😭😭😭

MY LIFE IN PLASTIC PIECES

I bought two little knick knacks, to display on my little dorm bookshelf,

One was a 3 inch plastic bear, the other a 2 inch plastic elf,

The bear had great big teeth,

The elf wore a Christmas wreath,

Next day, I found my knacks in pieces, broken by my mean roommate, Ralph.

THE DINOSAUR AND I

I went to see the dinosaur that was living down the street,

I never saw his bod before, just the tracks left by his feet,

I and the dino became chummy,

He liked me to scratch his fat tummy,

Sometimes the dino would pass gas, and nasty; what did he eat?

EGGS: NOT FOR DINNER

I bought a dozen large, chicken eggs,

Inside, I found beaks, eyes, guts and legs,

Near as I could tell,

These eggs were not well,

The store won't take them back, though I begs.

THE PRICE OF BEANS IN MANCELONA

I went to buy a small can of beans, in the Mancelona town,

I wanted a can of red beans, but all the beans were kind of brown,

I bought a can of brown beans,

High priced, but I had the means,

I went home and ate my pricy beans, then put on my bedtime gown.

UNCLE LEE: LOCKED IN FOR POOL

You always knew when Uncle Lee was locked in for pool,

Because he'd purse his pretty lips, and let slip some drool,

Then a victim you would be,

If you took on Uncle Lee,

He'd finish by sinking your balls, and take you to school.

MY NOODLES TASTED LIKE FOOT BOOGERS.

I got very hungry, and needed something for a noontime eat,

I went to a store, and tried buying a teeny piece of raw meat,

Although the meat came from groins,

The price was more than my coins,

I bought a pack of old noodles, that tasted like someone's gym feet.

UNCLE LEE IN PARLIAMENT

Uncle Lee ran for parliament, because he thought through parliament, he could rule,

There is no parliament in the U.S., he'd have known that if he'd gone to school,

Uncle Lee won big, his race,

But, he lost his civil case,

Uncle Lee tried to establish a parliament, but the judge was no one's fool.

FACE, ACE, FOUR, ORE: THE CHEETAH ATE MY...

I fed my cheetah Cheetos, then he turned around and ate my face,

He seemed to enjoy the Cheetos, but my face tasted, pretty ace,

My cat is the age, ten and four,

Lives in a cave of iron ore,

I feel like a stupid loser, losing my face is my disgrace.

I'm An Unappreciated Baker, So Screw Them

I made a pie full of strawberries, but the berries were not ripe,

The pie was extremely tangy, and everyone had to gripe,

That's the last pie,

Until I die,

Instead of feeding the family, I'll relax, and smoke my pipe.

I CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS WITH BELLY TREATS

Every single Christmas, I get fired,

It is never quite the Christmas, desired,

But, I got a nice big stash,

A coffee can full of cash,

I'll buy some pop and cookies, and get wired.

JUST LIKE MY GRANDMA, I KILL WITH GREASE

I spent a lifetime making sandwiches, dripping with grease,

I will never find in my demise, an eternal peace,

I invented the heart flopper,

Eventually, heart stopper,

Now, the nightmare of my great guilt, will not cease, will not cease.

I'M A DICKENS CHRISTMAS CAROL, EVERY SINGLE YEAR

If I want a Christmas Dinner, I'll have to scrape it off the road,

Last year, all I scraped up for Christmas, was the thigh of one squished toad,

I cannot ever, quite understand,

Why every Christmas, I get canned,

Then I can't have heat, food or lights, and get kicked out of my abode.

AI AP FOR METER MILES

My conversion brain, usually beguiles,

But, I cannot convert meters to miles,

Meters to feet,

Quick done, complete,

Seems, my brain's missing some conversion AP files.

THE LIVING AND THE GIN DEAD

Spirits from the undead, nether world, spoke to me, once again,

Through my dreams they warned me, about the spirit cast in my gin,

My newly made gin, perverts mortal sight,

Contaminated with full demon blight,

Too late for me, I'm drinking samples, from my cup of silver-tin.

PETER, TURNIPS AND HIS MA

Peter picked his big, sweet turnips, from the ground they swelled within,

Peter picked them in the morning, and placed them in his turnip bin,

Peter fried the turnips in grease and butter,

Then he fed them to his grinning, old mutter,

She would say "that a boy", as hot grease and drool dripped down her chin.

FAILURE IS AN ART

I went to Ann Arbor Town, to take an art history class,

But, no matter how hard I tried, the art class I could not pass,

The teacher played too many games,

Making me learn too many names,

The only art I ever owned, was a talking, plastic bass.

SPAM JAM BENNY

Benny went to a foot doctor, to have all his toes dejammed,

This was soon on social media, now Benny's getting spamed,

Spam was one of Benny's big fears,

Toe jams has brought Benny to tears,

Now, everywhere that Benny goes, his jams will get him slammed.  

THE BLINGING OF THE KING

I went to Utah to visit our dear King,

He was so unhappy, because of the thing,

He had been extremely jolly,

After he married Queen Polly,

But, then she divorced him and took all his bling.

REINDEER CHUNK CHEESE TARIFFS

I had to pay for a big tariff on my small piece of Cheese,

It was made from reindeer milk, and fresh, big chunks of reindeer sneeze,

It was Canadian dairy,

The big price of it was scary,

If I disguise as Santa, I could smuggle it in with ease.

DECEMBER: COLD, DEATH AND PAIN

December days are too many, black, cold and very long,

The spirit who designed December, was in the head, wrong, 

It's painfully chilly,

Fast froze my dog, Willy,

Each December remembered, with a dark dirge for its song.

Depression, Starvation, No Heat: It Must Be Christmas Again

I got sacked before Christmas, and will receive no more pay,

I won't get my Christmas bonus, it's not coming my way,

My kids will get no new toys,

No food for girls and boys,

And, off goes the heat and the lights, now it's a dismal day.

COB-CORN AND THE HAPPY DUDE

Uncle Lee scraped up all the gum, that people had chewed,

People left gum all over, and in places, so rude,

But, it gave Lee a paying job,

Then he could buy corn on the cob,

When Lee ate buttered cob-corn, he was one happy dude.

WINTER DEAD

We all hope that enough winter nuts, we have now, squirreled,

As the dark, bleak drapes of winter, cover our new world,

And, ode to the snow, white,

Covering the dead fall, blight,

While we hold close our others, under blankets, half furled.

BENNY GOT RETUBED

Benny used green leaves for toilet paper, and got a bad infection,

When he showed his old doctor, the doctor, quickly made a connection,

Some common green leaves, we all know,

Are poison, and cause drainage woe,

Benny stayed in the hospital, while they retubed his lower section.

MY STUPID LITTLE PONY

My little pony ate a goldfish, now pony has a belly ache,

I told him not to do it, but he did it for belligerence sake,

My pony puked on the ground,

The little goldfish, I found,

The goldfish was still flippy, flopping, so I set him free in the lake.

EYE CONES

I lost all my eye cones, and without eye cones, I cannot see,

All the pretty colors that the angels painted, just for me,

I still can see both black and white,

Now I concentrate sight, with might,

My senses are fine, and from those pesky colors I am free.

TURNING BLUBBER INTO RUBBER

I turned into blubber by taking the cabs,

So, I went to the gym to build up my abs,

I turned my soft blubber,

Into a hard rubber,

I changed eating cycles, and other bad habs.

MY TURKEY GAVE THE TOWNSHIP THE BIRD

I had the biggest turkey in the village,

So big, that they raised higher, my tax millage,

But, on turkey cook day,

The big turkey got away,

And, the town square rose bushes, it would pillage.

DEER ONLY THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES

I went into the woods hunting, and I found me a deer,

It was the end of November, and cold weather was here,

I fired my big gun,

The deer took a quick run,

I guess I must of missed him, that selfish, fur bag of fear.

SOME CALL IT SHOPLIFTING, I CALL IT TAKING SAMPLES

I slow rode my crooked broomstick to the store, 

I'm a witch, who likes to sweep the floor,

I try the ripe, fresh fruit,

And, vegetable root,

I sample the hotdogs, then sail out the door.

MY INHERITANCE ON A LIMERICK

I found an old limerick, laying on the kitchen floor,

I picked it up, and it had ground into it, something more,

It was a fried potato skin,

I ate it, and began to grin,

It was one my old grandma made, way back in '94.

THE PAISLEY SUIT

To work, I wore my brand new paisley suit,

That very day, my boss gave me the boot,

He said never come back,

It was a permanent sack,

"Get your ugly suit out of here, now, scoot."

UNCLE LEE BOUGHT SAUSAGE IN THE HOOD

Uncle Lee was in the hood, buying sausage and pop,

Uncle Lee wore his new shoes that go flip and then flop,

Uncle Lee, then went back to his crib,

He took a pill to help his heart, defib,

Uncle Lee, then grilled his sausage, dancing to hip-hop.

BLUE DO IT TOO, PIG

If I could have a little pig, a little pig would do,

If I could have a little pig, then I would name him Blue,

We could buy candy at the store,

Come home and lie down, have a snore,

Then we could watch our romance shows, and share a good boohoo. 😭

ICONIC WORD OVERDOSE

It's iconic this, iconic that, it's iconic all day long,

Everything is not iconic, stop speaking, you crazed, ding dong,

You have hurt my brain,

I'm going insane,

I'll take an iconic nap, then give ear to an iconic song.

THE HUNTER AND THE GATHERER.

I went blackberry picking, and dropped a blackberry upon the ground,

I bent over to pick up the berry, and heard a bear growling sound,

I screamed loud, and then got mauled,

For help, I forever called,

Then the bad bear bit into my bloodied arm, and dragged me all around.

GOOPY AND THE LAW OF DENTAL HYGIENE

There was something goopy, that came up through my straw,

I sucked it from my soda pop, into my jaw,

What a maddening, big waste,

I used a tube of toothpaste,

To brush the goopy away; following dental law.

I'M THE BRAIN BLOCKER: IGNORANCE RULES🤘

Ignorance is what I practice, every single day,

Ignorance is my happy place, and that's the place I stay,

For those who are smarty,

I'll ruin your party,

If you push smarty ideas, I'll be there in your way.

JIMMY'S GOLDEN ANCHOR

Jimmy owned a grocery store, and it was the plaza anchor,

Other plaza shops included, were a pharmacy and banker,

Jimmy owned the land, collected rent,

When the rent went up, tenants got bent,

Jimmy became a billionaire, despite all the tenant rancor.

WHEN DESPERATE, YOU EAT THE SKIN

I dug taters out of the ground, so I could have some dinner,

Just one tater came from the hole, it was massive, a winner,

But, it was full of worms,

I had come to terms,

I fried the peels in bacon grease, I was a tater skinner.

PSYCHIC THIRTY-FIVE TOES, AND THE BRAIN DEAD FIVE

My favorite foot, is the one with thirty-five toes,

It goes where I want it, like the foot already knows,

The foot with toes, maxed at five,

Acts brain dead, it's not alive,

It really slows me down, giving me scheduling woes.

SNOWBOUND: SQUIRRELS, SOCKS AND NUTS

It's pretty near freezing, and my socks were stolen from me,

They were stolen by squirrels, to haul their nuts up their tree,

As winter cold hits the fan,

Each squirrel and each man,

Know they'd best stock up on food, before the coming white sea.

RANDY THE TUBALEER

Terry is a tubaleer, his tuba sound is Jim dandy,

When Terry plays his tuba, many sing and dance, like Randy,

Randy stomps his two fat feet,

Rocking to the tuba beat,

Terry the great tubaleer, makes music that is ear candy.

WICKED CHILI

Looking under his chair, Jim found himself, a piece of chili,

It was only a single bean, it was furry and frilly,

It tasted uncouth,

It poisoned a tooth,

It made Jimmy have a  sore belly; his colon felt silly.

PET PARK, BAD SHARK, DOGGY BARK

I got bit by a nasty old shark,

In the wading pool at the pet park,

But, there was a doggy,

He looked after, poor me,

The dog chased off the shark with one bark.

TUBA TERRY IN TUCKER TOWN

Terry played the tuba in parades in Tucker Town,

Every holiday, he'd parade uptown to down,

Back aches made Terry moan,

So, he switched to Sousaphone,

Now, Terry marches pain free, from Main Street down to Brown.

MY SWEETIE HAS A NEW FRIEND😞

My sweetie had a tantrum, oh yes, my sweetie had a big fit,

My sweetie kicked me out of the house, so I sleep by the fire pit,

It's so cold, holy cow,

I could use some hot chow,

My sweetie moved in a friend; by the fireplace they spoon and sit.

CUTIE PIE

There once was a cutie pie,

The dear love that made me cry,

I said "oh, good grief",

Cutie was a thief,

I bid my wallet, bye, bye.

HEMINGWAY WITH MEMES?

I'm not good at reading, and my writing is pretty sad,

I can type some on my cellphone, so that negates some bad,

I find rad, iconic memes,

Add them to my message schemes,

I could become the best writer, the earth has ever had.

SODA POP, OLD

My soda was not hot, and my soda pop was not cold,

My soda pop was flat, because my soda was so old,

Most times, its cold and fizzy,

Which makes me brains, freeze dizzy,

That was the worst soda pop, and mommy, I rightly told.

CAN'T GO WRONG WITH PAISLEY

I bought a new, clearance hoodie; it had a paisley design,

I thought I would go show it off, at the local dine and wine,

I knew I must look really stunning,

As patrons laughed, their tears were running,

I know that when I choose paisley, my social creds, will be fine.

MEDIEVAL EVIL MONSTER

There was a Griffin sitting up in an ash tree,

His laser sharp talons, sliced both arms off of me,

He bit off my head,

Thought then, I was dead,

I decomposed, until there was nothing to see.

THE U-SAP DATE

She gave me a three foot tall of maybes, when I asked her for a date,

Then gave me a two month bout with scabies, she's a zero, I did rate,

My online dating app,

It is called U-SAP,

It has high fees, and feeds off my desire, to find a perfect mate.

BAD MASTER OF THE CAT

I opened up a can of fish, and made some mackerel stew,

I pulled out quite a few bones that I fed to my kitten, Boo,

Boo ate the mackerel bones,

I dined on stew, and fresh scones,

After our dinner, Boo and I fell into our sleeping zones.

I SEE THE CAN AS HALF FULL

Our outdoor potty seems far, far away,

As the cold wind blows on this winter day,

There is the old coffee can,

Half filled by our cousin, Ann,

I will top it off, then inside I'll stay.

I'M NOT READY FOR WINTER

The cold winter wind blows, then repeats,

It's winter, and I have no blankets or sheets,

Deliveries are at a stop,

Even for my dear, soda pop,

And of course, I need a new furnace that heats.

THE PILGRIM MADE PROGRESS, UNTIL...

There was a young pilgrim at my front door, 

He delivered cranberries from the store,

I paid him a tip, 

Away he did skip,

He fell on his butt, and I bet he was sore.

RICH AND POOR: THE DOUGH GLAZER STORY

I sold glazed donuts in my own glazed donut store,

I became filthy rich, and then went dirty poor,

A cave in of my dwelling,

Caused donuts to stop selling,

I had no insurance, so I could not restore.

MOON MONSTER PUTS ASTRONAUT ON HIATUS, FOREVER

I walked all the way to Tranquility Base,

There, a mean moon monster got into my face,

Feeling real tough that day,

I told him to run away,

It's ten years since I vanished, without a trace.

I SING TO STEAL BLING FROM DWARFS AND A DRAGON

I snuck into the mountain, and the dwarfs did not hear a thing,

I grabbed and ran away, with their sparkling jewels, and gold bling,

Then I saw back and forth wagging,

A dragon tale that was dragging,

I sang him to sleep with a lullaby; just glad I could sing.

CANDY CANE BELLY JUICE, AND PORCELAIN

Jimmy found a porcelain toilet, he could use on Christmas Eve,

Jimmy liked eating candy canes, but the canes would make him heave,

On this holiday,

Jimmy stayed with Aunt May,

Aunt May cooked our nice meal, so belly sick Jimmy, could not leave.

LARRY STAYED HOME, AGAIN

It was early morning, and Larry's feet were covered with snow,

And, everywhere that Larry went, the snow would blow blow, blow,

Although he gave it a jerk,

The old snowblower wouldn't work,

Larry couldn't take a cab to his job, because he lacked the doe.

STUPID TIME TRAVELER IRONY

Because its hull is made of the cheapest tin,

My quantum time machine, broke down, once again,

A small puncture makes woe,

My machine just won't go,

I won't make the reservation, for my din.

HANNIBAL IN THE HAY

Once upon a time, there was a pig, named Hannibal,

He liked eating bacon, and was called a cannibal,

On one nice, sunny, fine day,

He fell asleep in the hay,

He was then ate raw by a human, called Animal.

MOMMY HUGS AND SAMMY BUGS

Sammy torments the little crawling bugs,

Bugs get even with deep digs, and wide dugs,

Mostly, the bugs bite,

But, Sammy ain't bright,

Sammy gets infested, from mommy hugs.

THE WHIMSICAL LIFE CYCLE OF BELL FISH

Bell fish are swimming and mating, way out in the bay,

They go ding and they go dong, and they ding dong all day,

Baby bell fish are chimes,

They tinkle many times,

But, those poor baby bell fish, are food for the blue jay

THE LIFE IS SHORT LIMERICK

It is so strange how decades pile in my past,

It seems years fall away; with no good times that last,

No dead flesh date,

To be worm bait,

Soon, I will burn, or into a hole I'll be cast.

MY PRIORITIES ARE BOWLING AND BEER

I sleep away my afternoons,

I sleep away my mornings,

I sick call everyday to work,

Despite my bosses' warnings,

If my financials weren't dire,

I would call my boss and retire,

I would put time into what feels so right,

That is league bowling, at the bar all night.

ONLINE MEME SCHEME, OOPS!

I'm an online influencer, and I went to jail,

I only wish mama would cough up some bail,

I had a fraud scheme,

Selling a counterfeit meme,

The bad thing about schemes is sometimes they fail.

UNCLE LEE IN THE HOOD

Uncle Lee worked on a garbage truck, and picked up garbage all day long,

While Uncle Lee picked all the garbage up, he would always sing a song,

The hood leaders did complain,

Lee's voice brought their ears great pain,

Uncle Lee stoped his singing, but thought the hood leaders, were mean and wrong.

BAD DADDY AND THE PSYCHIC

I went to the local psychic, and what did she say?

She said to move my family, far across the bay,

I did just what she said,

My family has fled,

Then I moved in with the psychic, and that's where I stay.

DENNY AND THE CHAMBER POT SAGA

Denny had a chamber pot, made of porcelain as white as snow,

Every place  that porcelain pot sat,  Denny was sure to go,

When the bedroom chambers smelled of rot

A maid would empty the porcelain pot,

Then Denny would fill it up again, when Denny felt the flow.

I WENT TO SUGAR HIGH, ON HALLOWEEN

It lasted only a day and a night, late, last October,

It was all Halloween, and I dressed like my dog named, Rover,

On my tv screen,

Jason chased a teen,

Today I came off my super, sugar high, and

 I'm sober.

THE CHAIR AND TABLE LIMERICK

By my dining table, I have a chair for my seat,

On top of the dining table, I nothing to eat,

Where I bought my table and chair,

I spent all of my money there,

I do have a soda pop, so at least I'll have a treat

American Cuisine, On The Road

I went out to scrape pavement, because I was hungry for sup,

Didn't know if the critter was a weasel, or someone's stray pup,

Too small for a bear,

Really, did not care,

Figured it would taste good mixed with noodles, and served in a cup.

THE CHOIR WITH THE BIG BANG

Benny sang soloist in a choir gang,

Benny ate too many beans, before he sang,

As Benny's britches rang and rang,

The choir master said, "Oh, dang",

Benny's solo ended, with a great big "Bang!".

VOODOO REVENGE

I made a voodoo doll for the man on Sucker St.

He sold me a can of tainted, pickled piggy feet,

My family was up all night,

Getting toilet time was very tight,

I stuck six pins into my foe, in the bad guy's feet.

THAT WICKED WITCH CAST A SPELL ON ME

My meanie wife was a little witch, and a little witch she was,

She cast spells on everyone, and her reason was just because,

She turned my kinfolk into toads,

They all got run over, on the roads,

Just because I crashed the car last last night, she siced on me the fuzz.

EASY PEASY ROCKET SCIENCE

I'm locked in on taking a college, online test,

It's on rocket science, where my brain works the best,

I know the formulas for down and up,

I'll be done with the test, before I sup,

Then, I will play Mario, and lock in some rest.

THE HAUNTING IN MY CHAMBERS

I went into my bedroom chambers to nab me some sleep,

I would have done that, except for the visiting ghost creep,

He just once, shouted "Peek A Boo!"

One fly swatter swat, he be through,

The rest of the night, a sulky silence the ghost would keep

The Sunfish And My Eye

There was this little sunfish, I tried to deep fat fry,

Then a grease spatter popped, taking out my one good eye,

In my bad eye I see fizzy,

Many bubbles that are busy,

The ambulance picked me up, and I went bye, bye, bye.

ICONIC WHISKERS

I had summer sausage for my dinny, din, din,

Much greased dripped down onto my fat chinny, chin chin,

Mixing with pieces of cheese,

It drew mice, rats and sand fleas,

I cleansed myself in a poisoned binny, bin, bin.

PUTREFIED PUMPKIN

After Halloween, my Halloween, cut pumpkin made me cry,

I was emotionally trashed, as I watched him rot and die,

So I fed him to the yard birds,

And, other backyard critter herds,

I watched them chew his face away, and I waved to him, bye, bye.

Putrify

I SKIPPED

I fell toward the wood floor when I slipped,

My shirt caught on a nail and it ripped,

My landing was hard,

It caught me off guard,

So, the rest of my day I just skipped

FRESH FISH STEW FROM THE LAKE OF BLUE

The little creature floating in my stew,

I caught in the lake that was colored blue,

I bopped his head, so he would not come to,

If he did, this day he would come to rue,

He smelled like a fish, and tasted like poo.

THE BALLAD OF UNHAPPY TOM

It got so extremely cold,

Tom's toenails stopped growing mold,

Tom's nose went runny,

Girls found that funny,

Tom stayed alone and grew old.

LITTLE PLANE IN THE ZOO TREE

I took a trip to old Kalamazoo,

I got on a little plane, so I flew,

We got stuck in a tree,

The small plane, crew and me,

I jumped to the ground; got all black and blue.

WARNING: DON'T TOUCH A DOWN ELECTRICAL WIRE WITH A RAKE

I rolled up my very long sleeves,

When I went out to rake some leaves,

Raked up under a pine,

A down electric line,

At my funeral, the wife grieves.  

Today is known as November One,

It's real cold, and there ain't much for sun,

In the pie pumpkin patch,

Pumpkins ready to hatch,

I'll freeze their guts, then the patch is done.

CHAMBER OF THE LOST SOULS

I keep a large chamber full of tormented, lost souls,

Brought to me by the little, cemetery ground moles,

Many departed are crying,

They are not peacefully lying,

Mocking their sadness, is one of my favorite trolls.

STEVE AND THE FIRE DEMON

There once was a big dragon, named Steve,

He ate witches on All Hallows Eve,

He ate a demon called Zeaming

Now Steve's ears are both steaming,

And his breath burns each town, do th he leave.

THE END OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

Well, today we've gained an extra hour,

That gives us time for all to shower,

So, relaxed starts the day,

Cause, Daylight Savings Time's gone away,

And, the extra sleep gives us each super power.

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UNCLE JOE'S RETREAT

Poor, old Uncle Joe could never find romance,

Joe became an expatriate, to South France,

All the day long,

He'd hum his song,

At night there was karaoke, before the dance.

FIST BUMPS AND FANGS

There was a little werewolf in the tree,

The werewolf sat there waiting, just for me,

He growled and showed he was grumpy,

So I gave him a fist bumpy,

He toothy smiled, and howled brilliantly. 

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HEART FAILURE AND THE KNIFE

There once was an iconic, little blogger who could,

He often made videos about carving craft wood,

Then he'd slice up some ham,

And fry it with lite Spam,

Until his arteries got all clogged, under the hood.

THE NAUGHTY CUTIE CAT

I played with his new sneakers, and his sneakers were blue,

I chewed on his iconic socks, and they were blue too,

I'm the cutie cat, named Fred,

Thinking, I'll pee in his bed,

But I'm afraid I'll get caged-up, like the cat at the zoo.

MEME CREATOR

I created a sweet meme to see if it could gain traction,

Unfortunately, my new meme got no reaction,

It was a silly meme,

It was sort of extreme,

It's unpopular repeats, caused me dissatisfaction.

JOY RIDDING A REINDEER TO TEXAS

I rode on a magic reindeer in the velvet sky,

I stole the deer from Santa, at the North Pole Fish Fry,

I rode the reindeer all night,

Until I saw the bright light,

Then we touched down in Texas, where the rattlesnakes lie.

THE PAN HANDLER

The guy was away handling pots and pans,

He was the cook on a ship named, The Hans,

When the ship sunk down,

That cook guy did drown,

Trying to save a case of tuna cans.

THE GEEK WHO WENT TO CREEK

In the Michigan city, called Battle Creek,

I went to a thrift store and bought an antique,

A cute porcelain bear,

With ginger colored hair,

When I took it home, my kids called me a geek.

RED CLAY TEETH

Jimmy got locked into flossing, and flossed his front teeth every day,

Jimmy thought flossing was iconic, but he lost his teeth anyway,

When Jimmy got the bad teeth news,

He walked back home in his deck shoes,

Then Jimmy quit his bad news dentist, and made some new teeth from red clay.

RASPBERRIES IN HEAVEN

My overgrown, deep reddish, raspberry vine,

Dug its sticky prickers, deep into my spine,

They stuck me so deep,

They bled me to sleep,

I now pick berries with the angels, divine. 

THE SECRETS OF FABULOUS RANDY

Mr. Randy had a tailor too,

And a man who cut and stitched each shoe,

Dear, old Mrs. Fox,

Knitted Randy's socks,

His coat came from a cow that went "moo".

DESTINATION SEATTLE

Yesterday, I rode upon the air in a big, old airplane,

A Seattle destination, was my one goal, to obtain,

The dang, old plane hit some torque,

We diverted to New York,

I felt anger and confusion, and it exploded my brain.

SCREAM PARK

In the small town of Mancelona, there was a dream,

To build a family fun park with an outdoor theme,

The theme chosen was bears,

But it gave all the kids, scares,

Instead of a fun park, it was the park of the scream.

TIGER, TIGER, FATTY MEAT

I dream all day long of pickled pigs feet,

It's the only food for super I'll eat,

I chew on the thick pig fat,

Thinking I'm one tiger cat,

Gnawing from the bones the fat and the meat.

PODCASTING DULL

Alden did a Tuesday podcast on making a nice, lemon tea,

He thought he would get a million watchers, but all he got was me,

I had to scoff,

I turned it off,

In comments, I said to make better tea, add honey from a bee.

DAY OF THE FARM

After the farm hay, I put away,🚜🌄

An October rainbow made my day,🌈

I picked my pumpkin patch,🎃

It was a record batch,💲

Some bugs ate my beans, I'll make them pay.🐛🐜😡

THE GROCERY CART IN THE VELVET SKY

I painted a picture on velvet, and I call it art,

It's a painting of the constellation called "Grocery Cart",

Everyone can see,

It's a stellar mystery,

For the stars in the constellation are galaxies apart.

SAMMY SEE SAW VICTORY

There was a politician, and his name was Sammy See,

He stated he'd do anything to get my vote from me,

I said I wanted pickles in a jar,

Left on the back seat of my car,

I got my jarred pickles, and Sammy won his victory.

MARY HAD TWO PAIRS OF SOCKS

Mary had just two pairs of socks, she bleached them white as snow,

Everywhere that Mary went, one pair was sure to go,

Mary bloodied up her best pair of socks,

When she tripped over a pile of rocks,

A permanent stain; Mary bought a new pair with her doe.

DENNY FELL DOWN FROM A COCONUT TREE

Big Denny fell down out of a coconut tree,

Then got buried by tree nuts, and stung by a bee,

Some runny coconut milk,

Stained Denny's  shirt, made of silk,

The bee stung Denny's eyeballs, now Denny can't see.

TED TAMED THE SHREW

My doggy ate my goldfish, and my doggy at a little shrew,

My doggy ate my new tennis shoes, because that's what doggies do?

My doggy is named Ted,

He's not right in the head,

He ripped up daddy's favorite chair, and peed on my mommy's bed.

THE WEEPING AND THE SAW

There is a tree called weeping willow, and one was weeping in the street,

It weeped upon my brand new shoes, and got wet my stockings and my feet,

I went and got my grandpa,

We came back with a chainsaw,

Grandpa cut the willow up, and gave termites a home, with lots to eat.

SIX WOODEN PEARS (A Michigan Adventure Story)

I went to a flea market in Saginaw Michigan, to buy me some wooden pears,

They had wooden pears in all colors and sizes, sorted in baskets on folding chairs,

I bought extra large pears; two green and four yellow,

I paid a pleasant man; he was a good fellow,

I took my six pears back home to Flint Michigan, but I do not think anyone cares.

GOLDFISH RHONDA ADVENTURES

Goldfish Rhonda, walked on her tale, out of the sea,

She brought me gold, so I could wear bling and watch tv,

I made buttered popcorn,

She hung around till morn,

Then Goldfish Rhonda, took a cab to Manistee.

Now That I've Got Locked In, I Can Smell My Din, Din

My term paper is due and I must get locked in,

If I don't get locked in my grade is in the bin,

My caffeine coffee is strong,

Like my chocolate Ding Dong,

If I get locked in now, I'll be done by din, din.

THE AIR SHOW DRAGON

My pet red dragon Frederick, has four wings,

They are great for doing acrobatic things,

He can swirl in a turn,

With a fire breathing burn,

Then at the end of his big air show, he sings.

WHY I WAS TENTED BY THE ER

I ate way too much, so I thought it caused me to be sick,

Then I remembered, I swallowed a pointy, thin toothpick,

To the ER I was sent,

Stayed in an oxygen tent,

I found a tv remote for my fingers to click.

SCHOOL FLUNKED, PENSION PUNKED

I failed all my finals and flunked out of college school,

I went to work for my uncle, who does dye and tool,

In my 40th year,

Claimed my pension, oh dear,

Seems my uncle had spent it on parties and a pool.

SELLING THE DILLED ON THE HILLED

I was gonna do up some sour pickles that are dilled,

I was gonna sell um, up by the highway, where it's hilled,

Then I found my dill was full of worms,

With that, I finally come to terms,

I still used the dill, and the quality, each sale confirms.

TED MEWING HIS JAW

Down in the new shopping mall,Ted was mewing on display,

Showing off his big jaw bone size, throughout the live long  day,

Before Ted headed home,

His mewing lips spewed foam,

Afterwards when people saw Ted, they fled quickly away.

AI CLOWN KITE HAS MOVES

My kite has captured the eyes of the town,

My kite has the face of a circus clown,

My kite is controlled by AI,

It twists and turns sharp on the fly,

It dives to crash, then turns sharp up, from down.

MY PARTY, THE ENEMY AND I FLEE

In a small cave I threw a nice party,

Then shows up, my worst enemy, Marty,

Marty drinks our mixed juice,

Then mean Marty lets loose,

Driving us from the cave with his farty.

THE POTATO SUPER EIGHT

There were once eight garden heroes, called The Potato Super Eight,

They protected the vegetable garden, and they were first rate,

They chased off the worms and bugs,

The raccoons, gophers and slugs,

They were eight handsome, perfect spuds, all the green beans wanted to date.

BLUE JAY OLYMPIANS.

Several blue jays set on my laundry line and made a swing,

They swung one at a time like it was a competitive thing,

Each swung high for a while,

Then competed on style,

For a participation award; a worm from the leaf pile.

MEALING WITH TOM

Tom's black eyed peas tasted delicious with butter and salt,

Tom ate too much, so he puked, which caused his eating to halt,

Tom then gulped some tangy drink,

It was lemonade, made pink,

Tom thought through deserts he knew, and picked a chocolate malt.

THE BOUNTY BAIL BLUES

The bounty hunter caught me, he was hot on my trail,

He told me that I must pay the bill on my huge bail,

As robber of my hood,

I will pay, as I should,

When my debt is being paid, that means I'm in a jail.

I HAVE NO RENT HOUSING

Nitty Gritty had no pity,

He owned the slums in the city,

The rent was high,

I said bye, bye,

My new box is itty, bitty.

THE MEME OF FEAR

I lived during the great, strange time of the memes,

Some were silly and funny, others caused screams,

But I am not going there,

I fear the meme of the bear,

With his knife like claws, cutting open my seams. 

MYSTIC MERKEL PREDICTS TRUE

Psychic Mystic Merkel tells the true

About the future of me and you,

Your mom and dad, 

They hate me bad,

If we breakup, it'll be a boohoo.😭😭

MELON, MEAT AND CORN

I had a watermelon, and I cut the melon into three,

One piece for my dog Lindsey, and the other two pieces, for me,

Then I ate a spiral ham,

My dog Lindsey, just got spam,

Then I shared my last can of corn, and Lindsey was tail-wag happy.

BEARDED IRIS IN THE SNOW

I spied a bearded iris in a sea of white snow,

I couldn't imagine what made that lovely iris grow,

The cold made me sneeze, hack and cough,

It should have killed the iris off,

Then a fawn stoped and ate it, watched over by a doe.

THE WRINKLED CARROT IN A JAR

Today I found a wrinkled carrot, sealed tight in a glass mason jar,

It got really dry and spongy, sitting in the backseat of my car,

Where did that dried carrot grow?

In my garden, I think so,

I'll use it as a conversation piece, on display in my wet bar.

I SHOULD HAVE WENT HOME WITH THE TENT

I went tenting, but I lost my warm cozy tent,

A tornado grabbed it, then back home it was sent,

Black rain clouds became my ceiling,

Electric bolts, I was feeling,

I'd be at a motel, but I cannot pay rent. 

THE BOY WITH THE BROKEN THING

Young Jim Flip Joy LaRoy,

Loved his new airplane toy,

He took it to school,

Kids broke it, so cruel,

Jim had tears to deploy.

THE WEREWOLF AND THE BACK BACON

I walked into the butcher shop, and found a dire werewolf, lurking the store,

He had eaten all the butchers and clerks, and the old guy who sweep/mops the floor,

I asked the creature if it was taken?

I meant the last three pounds of back bacon?

The werewolf just looked and growled at me, as I removed the bacon out the door.

MY SOCIAL COMMUNITY IS THE DOUGHNUT BAR: BELLY-UP

Because I leave my accounts, so unattended,

On most social media, I've been unfriended,

I deleted all the posts,

My fans hate the most,

For soc now, it's the doughnut bar, where I'm mended.

I LOVE MY SALTY AND FATTY MEATS

My pacemaker picked up the heart pace,

So I stayed part of the human race,

I could no longer eat,

Tasty, fatty, salt meat,

And that was a boot kick in the face.

INVASION OF THE NOSE COOTIES

Jimmy was invaded by cooties; they ran up his big nose,

Some cooties dripped out in ice-snot, when the temperatures froze,

Jimmy said a little later,

He was a nose cootie hater,

That was after the doc flushed the nose cooties, out with a hose.

VALUE OF LIFE

All the little humans they learn, learn, learn,

That makes their little brain cells churn, churn, churn,

Then they work for others who are stern, stern, stern,

When they die they get to burn, burn, burn,

Then they're all in ashes, and someone sticks them in an urn.

THE IN-LAWS AND MOBY DICK

My awful in-laws have eaten all the worms in my pail,

I needed the worms to go fishing, to catch me a whale,

It just is not funny,

Those worms cost me money,

And in under three minutes, the fishing boat will set sail.

NUT EXCITEMENT

I just picked a little tiny, brown nut,

From a tree growing over my shack-hut,

Oh, Glory bee,

The nut was free,

The excitement ended my daily rut.

NEIGHBORS CAME TO DINNER

My pot of stew fell off the counter, and spread all sloppy across the floor,

Then an invading army of cockroaches, came in under the front door,

Sweep, Sweep, zoom, zoom,

I used the broom,

I could not stop the cockroaches, because they kept on coming, more, more, more.

JOINT COLLABORATIONS WITH CAESAR

I knew this guy named Caesar, and he YouTubed making pizza pie,

I joined him for a joint collab; my food was a greasy French fry,

The pizza turned out good,

My French fry chewed like wood,

We've started our next joint collab; cutting onions without a cry.

I PITIED MY MEAL.TO THE FREEZER

I felt great pity for the salmon I caught from the sea,

I cried when his sad eyes were begging to send him home, free,

I scraped off his scales, 

Pulled out his entrails,

I made fillets for the freezer, for my mama and me.

STONE STEW, MY BLUE

The stew I ate was full of stones and dirt,

The stew caused me a real awful, bad hurt,

I cracked a dear tooth,

I had since my youth,

And broke my jaw, which I had since my birth.