DILLY AND DOUG, THE EXTERMINATOR GUYS

Everywhere I looked in my house, I found a big bug,

I called in the bug exterminators, Dilly & Doug,

They covered my house with a plastic dome,

They filled the dome with poisons, gas and foam,

Then they drained off the poison, and deep cleaned my carpet rug.

SWATER HOUSE DIVE

They enter unseen, into my small, dark dump, to die,

I am talking about the vicious, common house fly,

I let fly paper hang,

My fly zapper, goes bang,

I love to swat them flat, then leave the fly guts to dry.

THE MUG OF A BUG

I told my barber, I'm not hugged, because my haircut is a big disgrace,

The barber looked me in my big eye, and said, the problem was in my face,

He said, you can't get a kiss, kiss hug,

With the the face of a beetle bug,

The barber sent me to his cousin, who has a plastic surgery place.

I'M A POISONED SPIDER, AND MY JUICES FED THE BUG.

I use to be a spider, who hid back behind the door,

Then, someone got me with spider spray, and I am no more,

A bug sucked out my spider juice,

Ate my on web eggs, that hung loose,

I'm just an empty shell, of the spider I was before.

THUNDER BUGS ARE COMING

When the sky is full of bright stars, but distant rumblings, make you wonder,

If soon the sky will be cloudy, save for flashing lightning, with thunder,

Although you seek, mommy hugs,

Rest assured, it's just bugs,

Bugs that set upon, attacking a quiet evening, to plunder.

BUGS AND MY EGG NOODLES, OH DEAR

Cooking egg noodles has always been my big dream,

I cook noodles all day, filling my house with steam,

The kids, all day shout,

To let the steam out,

But, then bugs come in, and bugs pee more than they seem.

BOATS, BEES AND SLEEP

I was on some wicked water skies,

When attacked by vicious honey bees,

The bees attacked my pale, naked knees,

The poison made my leg muscles freeze,

I got to the beach, and caught some Z's.

BLEEDING OUT A CRICKET HOLE

I was hunting bugs for my dinner, something good to cook,

I stepped on an empty cricket shell, and that's all it took,

The shell cut, so wide and deep,

No tear fluids, could I keep,

I feared blood seeping through the gash, and so I could not look.

KEEP YOUR NOSE CLEAN, OR THE BEDBUGS WILL GET YOU!

Sammy had little, baby bedbugs maturing in his nose,

All the neighbors would get bedbugs, upon a Sammy expose,

Sammy spread bedbugs near and far,

He drove them around, in his car,

When Sammy died from bedbug bites, they spread through Sammy's used clothes.

IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND WEEVIL

The weevil in my veggie garden, is eating off the leaves,

He eats the fleshy greens, and across the many plants, he weaves,

He's fast at work,

That little jerk,

He thinks he is really smart, because he knows it's me, he peeves.

OH DEAR, OH DEAR: BUG SUCKERS ARE HERE

There were thousands of itzy, itzy, bitzy, bitzy, bugs,

Under my pinky toenails, giving me blood sucking hugs,

I might not be very bright,

But when my skin turned snow white,

I went outback with a shovel, and my gravesite I dugs.

PODCASTING DULL

Alden did a Tuesday podcast on making a nice, lemon tea,

He thought he would get a million watchers, but all he got was me,

I had to scoff,

I turned it off,

In comments, I said to make better tea, add honey from a bee.

NEIGHBORS CAME TO DINNER

My pot of stew fell off the counter, and spread all sloppy across the floor,

Then an invading army of cockroaches, came in under the front door,

Sweep, Sweep, zoom, zoom,

I used the broom,

I could not stop the cockroaches, because they kept on coming, more, more, more.

BEETLE AND THE J

I had a pet beetle, but he ran quickly away

He was caught and eaten by an old frazzled blue jay,

At the end of his beak,

The blue jay had a leak,

The guts of my beetle, dripped out of the  jay that day.

INFESTATION WITH DIGNITY

I sued for peace the mean, itchy, hungry head lice,

My last offer gave to them, a real good entice,

So that I can get some sleep,

And my crap job I can keep,

They'll eat my scalp all day, at night they must be nice.

FRUIT FLIES

In my home, the fruit flies found caves where they could sleep,

The caves were my nostrils, I blew out a huge heap,

The fruit flies flew away,

 Until later that day,

I found fruit flies in my eye ducts, and I did weep.

MOSQUITOS BE WARNED

Because my house had loads of mice and rats,

I decided to get myself some cats,

They ate the mice today,

Frightened the rats away,

To deal with mosquitos, I'm getting bats.

LIVING IN MICHIGAN IS A BUGGER

I live in Michigan, we have zillions of bugs

They eat into your eyeballs, you share them, with hugs,

Bugs poop on your pans and dishes,

They attack your cute goldfishes,

You'!l even drink a few, in your rootbeer chug-a-lugs. 

WHY I HIT MYSELF SO HARD, MY BRAIN AIN'T RIGHT.

In the latest, late of dark night,

From an earwig, I got a bite,

The evil dear,

Was in my ear,

I slapped my ear, with all my might.

ATTACK OF THE GARDEN PESTS

My lettuce was all covered with nasty, slimy slugs,

My tomatoes were hollowed by chewing beetle bogs, 

My pickles in the weeds,

The birds picked clean of seeds,

And the mice that nibbled my string beans, are common thugs.