BLEAK HOUSE HOLIDAY MEAL

Suddenly, our Christmas dinner is looking quite bleak this year,

We can't afford our eggnog, or even ice cream and root beer,

There is not gonna be meat,

Just bread and gravy, we'll heat,

By singing Christmas Carols, we'll pretend the good time are here.

BUBBA GOT SPELLED

Big Bubba lives down by the foaming sea,

He is a nephew to my bro and me,

Bubba loves beer and chicken,

His girlfriend is Wiccan,

She spelled him, now he only drinks tea.but

HAPPY HALLOWEENY FROM THE TWO WITCHES AND ME

There is a witch, that's me,

I recruited two more to make three,

And, though we weren't quite a coven

We cooked townsfolk in our oven,

And

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steeped their sweet juices for tea.

ONLINE TUNA FISH AND HOMEMADE WINE

I ordered some tuna fish, online,

I opened the can and it smelled fine,

I ate it and drank homemade red wine,

I got gassy bubbles, a bad sign,

They buried me in a box; white pine.

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The family wanted me to treat,

By paying for a burger-fries eat,

But they are full of vicious deceit,

They never can lift the toilet seat,

So no to treat of taters and meat.  

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I WHACKED MY FISH, AND FRIED THEM UP LIKE MAMA DID

I use to fish with a cane pole, and whacked the fish in the head, real fast,

I scooped them up quick, into my net, because their concussion wouldn't last,

I whacked them again, in the head,

I made sure they were pretty dead,

The fillets, I fried in bacon grease; just like mama did in the past.

KITCHENING WITH JENNY

Jenny had many pans and Jenny had some pots,

Jenny had a toaster, and toasted lots and lots,

Jenny had a new, hot air fryer,

Fancy cookware? she was a buyer,

When Jenny has food leftover, it sits and rots.

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AT THE END I AM PILES

I fell off a cliff, and looked down at big, sharp, nasty stones,

I knew that soon upon them, I'd be bleaching my broke bones,

Then I saw a tiger,

A lion and a liger,

I knew I'd soon be in scat piles, with scat pile tones.

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PEASANT RECIPE FOR STEW, HAGIS AND SCONES, NOT

I once  knew a great big giant, and his name was Marvelous Mel,

He got all his stew meat from the peasants, he caught down in the dell,

He ground and ground their bones,

To make flaky, crisp scones,

He made haggis from their innards, his recipe, he wouldn't tell.

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SIXTY BUGS MAKES STEW

It takes sixty bugs to make bubble bug stew,

You can add a few more, like the Pilgrims do,

Sea salt, to preferred taste,

Won't add pounds to the waist,

Add a few potatoes, and it's woo, woo woo. 

DINING ALONE WITH A GOOSE

I drove off to the big city to get me some worked, grape juice,

It was really an attempt to avoid family abuse,

My family was mean, not nice,

Because I brought them home head lice,

I figure in the city, I'll sip some wine and eat some goose.

WHEN THE MICROBES AIN'T DEAD

Grandma does not cook the food she prepares, until all the microbes are dead,

That's what dinner guests ponder on the toilet; that's what's going through their head.

Why, to grandma's house go?

When her cooking brings woe?

For some, it's an emergency ride, and a month in a hospital bed.

CRAWDADS AND THE PUPPY

I like to eat fresh crawdads, and put fresh crawdads in my stew,

I add some peppers, and grind some spice, and share my stew with you,

My puppy gets real mad,

If he gets no crawdad,

So, I save him the stinky, rank ones, so he gets crawdads too.

MEATBALLS AND MOLARS

My ma's fancy meatballs, came out dry, hard and flaky,

They should be like a  moist, soft, chewy piece of steaky,

I did, just all that I could, 

With a stove, heated with wood,

Chewing on my meat balls, has made my back molars achy.

ALLERGIC TO BEES, IS AUNT ELOISE

I looked in my fridge for mayo, for my tuna with peas,

All I could find was some honey, made by some, bumblebees,

It was a nice family dine,

Honey, tuna, peas, tasted fine,

The family liked the mixed flavors, except, Aunt Eloise.

SHARING MY CHICKEN SKINS

I fried up a big greasy pan, full of chicken skins,

My neighborhood loves them, all my dear kiths, and my kins,

I fried many more than before,

To avoid, a chicken skin war,

Might as well fry enough, that way everyone wins.

BAKED BEANS ON A STOOL

I went into a public restroom, and it needed multiple cleans,

The white floor was all covered, with chicken livers, and bluegill fish, spleens,

One stool was real busted,

Another, brown crusted,

The last stool was sat upon, by a man eating a can of baked beans.

THE DIM DAN EASTER BAN

My Easter, holiday,  dinner ham, came from a one pound can,

The only invite to my dinner, was my cousin, Dim Dan,

We had squash, buttercup,

Sweet potatoes, to sup,

Dan complained that I moved slow, so he got a permanent ban.

OUR DATE: ONLY TWO

I made some special, chicken fondue,

I only had enough, just for two,

But, you wanted more,

So, I tripped to the store,

When I got back, you had left, boohoo.  

CONSUMING CORN WITH FRIENDS

Four dudes, sitting by some flames at the beach, were eating sweet corn,

After fire toasting, they used butter and salt, to adorn,

It was corn stuck on cobs,

Drippings made all dudes slobs,

They went back to their town lives, where the next working day is born.