SANTA, THE SNOW MONSTER AND THE ITTY BITTY

Santa went walking one night, and met a snow monster, and she was pretty,

The snow monster came up north, because the snow had melted in the city,

In the city, there were humans to eat,

Santa shared with her his best reindeer meat,

They ate deer meat all summer, the tastiest deer were the itty bitty.

I MOTORBIKE: FRUIT AND SPLATTER

I bought a little motorbike, so I could journey into town,

The flying bugs splat me in the face, and that makes me have a frown,

In town, my face gets a quick wipe,

I buy fresh fruit that is just ripe,

I soon travel back to my home, the bug splatter won't keep me down.

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SALAD FORKS DON'T HELP PASS GAS

Food prices have gotten really high, so I bought a clearance piece of pork,

It was very slimy and stunk, but when cooked it had the texture of cork,

The result was so very unfair,

My belly bloated with painful air,

I got so bloated from the pork, I let the air out with a salad fork.

THE WATER GUN AND THE VISITORS

I woke up and saw a flying saucer parked in my backyard,

There were two little green aliens chewing on my Swiss card,

I grabbed my big blaster, water gun,

They saw me coming, and did a run,

Before they got on their spacecraft, my blaster watered  them hard.

WHAT'S IN YOUR ROAD KILL STEW?

The favorite dish served in Northern Michigan is called road kill stew,

Every time you try it, you find smells and flavors you never new,

Could be any animal, what the heck?

Could be a professor, from Caltech,

You don't know what you might scrape up, but the food is free for me and you.

HEALTHY BREAKFAST

My cinnamon oatmeal was too hot, and it burned my pink lips,

I use to eat lots of bacon, but bacon made huge, my hips,

Each morning drink prune juice,

It keeps a body loose,

Always eat toast dry; butter clogs arteries, and makes heart flips.

MAMA'S TULIPS AND DADDY'S CORN

Mama raised her tulips, and daddy raised his sweet corn,

That's the type of family, that little me was born,

We ate corn in our pudding,

We ate corn in our pork stew,

Mamma set fresh tulips on the table, to adorn.

MY BRAIN HAS QUANTUM TUNNELING, OR I NEED SOME SUGAR?

Methinks someone was quantum tunneling, deep inside my brain,

A lot of things I remember, now seem changed; am I insane?

I watch internet science shows,

Maybe, that is why my mind blows,

I should watch healthy cooking shows, and learn about sugar cane.

MARSUPIAL STEW

I went and scraped marsupials off the road today,

I had to really scrape them, cause they had dried up in the clay,

Consider yourself a winner,

Cause we're having them for dinner,

I know it does not smell so good, but it keeps the bears away.

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THE RAIN OF THE IGUANA

I saw a fat iguana fall out of a tall tree,

I thought I would eat it, because its meat was all free,

Then on down came another,

An iguana brother,

Then it rained dead iguana, killed by last nights frosty.

POPCORN PETS, HUH?

My kid popcorned his dead guppies, because I forbade him snacks to eat,

I don't see how guppies in a popcorn popper, is a tasty treat,

The kid's not right in the head,

Enough about him, I've said,

Though, he often walks using his hands, and works remotes with his bare feet.

MY HEALTHY CHOICES: SOY BURGERS AND BACON GREASE

I thought that I was being a really good diet boy,

I ate only burgers that were made out of common soy,

But, my life change diet was handcuffed,

I ate burgers until I was stuffed,

I like to fry them in bacon grease and sea salt, ahoy! 

FOOD TASTES CHANGE, EXCEPT FOR CHICKEN NUGGETS

I dreamed of ancient Egyptian symbols, dancing across my brain, 

They transported me back in time to an Egyptian pharaoh's rein,

He asked if I brought some chicken nugs,

I said no, so we chowed down on bugs,

Then I went back to my own time, and suffered indigestion pain.

SEAHORSES ARE GOING TO MARS?

I got a call from Mars, and Martians are coming our way,

They want some pet seahorses, at least that's what they say,

Mars is known for sea horse tasty treats,

I won't sell them the critters, as meats,

But, if they pay me in gold, I might look the other way.

NEW YEAR'S EVE SNACK CRACKERS

I bought several boxes of snack crackers, for my New Year's Eve,

They were all cheesy powdered, so we could eat them out of the sleeve,

I bought the crackers in a real big hurry,

Didn't notice they were drenched with hot sauce slurry,

Upset  guests asked where the crackers came from, I blamed  someone named, Steve.

WINTER CABIN PARTY

I stuffed so much wood in my steel woodstove, my cabin became really hot,

It was so hot that when anyone came inside, their nose would runoff warm snot,

We dined on beef pot roast,

I think I ate the most,

Then we played many games of darts, and each loser slammed a vinegar shot.

I MAY BE IGNORANT, BUT I CHOOSE BEEF

I think of humans to be like all other animals, except humans aren't on my menu for dinner,

It sounds like an extremely, ignorant prejudice, but I can't help but pick beef as my dinner winner,

I don't care about a social class,

As food, all humans, I give a pass,

I love to also eat mutton and pork, but those meats stretch out my pants, and I am aiming to grow thinner.

CHEESY ASPARAGUS AND A PLATE LICKER

I bought some asparagus for my Christmas dinner, and I covered it with cheese,

I dripped over the asparagus dish,  some bacon grease for a rich, flavor tease,

While the dish was hot, I started to eat,

It was the utmost, delicious treat,

When done, my dog gave a real hate stare at me; I let him lick my plate, to appease.

TOESIES AND THE NUT: A TRINA STORY

Trina had a big acorn, stuffed way up in her shoe,

It made her little toesies all black and navy blue,

Trina pulled off her little shoe,

Pulled out the acorn, which she threw,

And, hit the Easter Bunny, then Bunny go boohoo.

POX = DETOX

I came down with a case of severe pox,

I caught it from my new cereal box,

There's pox in all the stores,

In the ceilings and floors,

I feel so sick, like I did in detox.