REPURPOSING WOODEN FRUIT

I got a fruit basket from a friend, but the fruit was carved from wood,

I chewed and chawed, cut and stabbed, but for food, the fruit wasn't any good,

I stacked the fruit in a tall pyre,

Lit it with a kerosene fire,

I dumped on honey, ate the coals, and the food tasted like it should.

I LOST MY BROS WHILE RAFTING, OH WELL

My bros and I went rafting down the river, and we hit a great, big rock,

I was very surprised, but my mates were all thrown overboard, by the shock,

My mates they could not find,

I hate to sound unkind,

I kept my head; I went home for supper, and watched the news at 6 o'clock.

MY FRIEND THE IMPALER, IS KEPT BY A JAILER

I knew this guy, The Impaler, he collected dead bugs,

He got jollies impaling them, because he lacked mommy hugs,

One day he went to jail,

Because his  boyfriend, he tried to impale,

Now he does serious time, weaving baskets and entry rugs.

BFF BLUE PIG

My bestie, blue pig, got all covered with the mud,

I set him down in a tub of hot soapy sud,

He let on a big, loud squeal,

Like a braked Chevy wheel,

The water was too hot, and boiled my best bud.

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BENNY, BUGS, BEARS AND SNUGS

Benny don't like the woods cause it's full of biting bugs,

And there's lots of hairy bears that squeeze him with bear hugs,

Benny likes to stay inside,

From bugs and bears, he then can hide,

Then with his blue blanket, Benny caresses it and snugs.

THE GOOD NEIGHBOR (NOT)

I bought four used tires for my Chevy pickup truck,

My neighbor had a nail gun, so I was out of luck,

The neighbor punctured each tire,

Set my whole pickup on fire,

I sued him in court, but did not get a single buck.

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AFTER DEATH, I AM WITH MY PET

A hungry tiger escaped from the zoo,

He ate up my pretty, pet cow, named Moo, 

I feel really blue,

The cat ate me too,

I and my pet cow, became tiger poo.

SUMMERTIME

Sleeping bears and snoring raccoons,

Dream cool dreams, on hot afternoons,

Then a walrus stops by,

Bringing fish for a fry,

After beer and Boone's, they sing tunes.

TUNA BREATH LIVES ALONE

When my buddy has been eating tuna, he has a tell,

His breath has a nasty, pungent type of exhaust, to smell,

My buddy's breath makes eyes squint,

But, he won't intake a mint,

His roomies kicked him out, and at my place, he will not dwell.

THE PUKE THAT PUT ME IN JAIL

I washed down a crusty, dry doughnut, with a soda pop,

I started to puke, and was observed, by a passing cop,

The cop took me to jail,

Where I puked in a pail,

My bro, Mike bailed me out, and I went to his crib, to flop.

IN MEMORY OF MY ONLY TRUE FRIEND, JEEVES

I never should have gone to that party, over at Steve's,

First, I got the botulism, followed by dry, horse heaves,

What else could have gone wrong?

I could not sing my song,

Celebrating the dead poet, our friend we knew, as Jeeves

TRAVEL WITH SOMEONE SMARTER, THAN YOURSELF

Recently, I traveled to Brazil, but my Portuguese, was flawed,

I searched all my brains, to use the right words, but I hemmed and I hawed,

Pa says it's because, I am dim,

Ma says it's because, I'm like him,

Luckily, my travel mate, has language abilities to laud.

FLOWERS FOR ALLEN RON

I bought some red roses, for my best mate, Allen Ron,

He lies out in the graveyard, next to his brother, Jon,

They were quite a bro pair,

Both were nerdy, and square,

I'm sure they've rotted away, for it's decades, they're gone.

OUR DATE: ONLY TWO

I made some special, chicken fondue,

I only had enough, just for two,

But, you wanted more,

So, I tripped to the store,

When I got back, you had left, boohoo.  

CONSUMING CORN WITH FRIENDS

Four dudes, sitting by some flames at the beach, were eating sweet corn,

After fire toasting, they used butter and salt, to adorn,

It was corn stuck on cobs,

Drippings made all dudes slobs,

They went back to their town lives, where the next working day is born.

ELYSIUM LIVES IN MY CHICKEN COUP

My  bestest friend Elysium, went to take a withdrawal from their bank,

Elysium lost all of their money, because the bank was in the tank,

The bank made zero credit, mortgage loans,

Invested in refurbished, flip flop phones, 

Broke, Elysium moved into my chicken coup, although the smell is rank.

I WISH UPON THE SERPENT

There is a big, mighty, green sea serpent, and his name is Moe,🐉

He swims alongside everywhere, my little boat will go,🚣

Sometimes I get rowboat tired,

I then wish the beast, whom I've admired,

Would push or pull my boat along, so I would not have to row..

WHAT'S SITTING IN MY WILLOW, WITH A CRUMPET AND A TEA?

There was an Anglo-Saxon, sitting in my willow tree,

He was nibbling on a crumpet, and sipping on some tea,

I asked him if his crumpet tasted good,

He said, "it tastes like wormy, willow wood",

I didn't ask him about his drink; I thought I'd let it be.

DOWN THE FLUTE ROAD WITH PAN

I bought a beautiful flute from Mr. Pan,

I cannot play it, the way Mr. Pan can,

I squeak and squawk,

He makes his talk,

I became Pan's roadie, and I drive Pan's van.

I'm An Unappreciated Baker, So Screw Them

I made a pie full of strawberries, but the berries were not ripe,

The pie was extremely tangy, and everyone had to gripe,

That's the last pie,

Until I die,

Instead of feeding the family, I'll relax, and smoke my pipe.