AS THE MEN IN MY FAMILY AGE

100% of the men who age, will physic change,

Their belts will ride down low, in a below the belly range,

As their bones shrink smaller,

Young people will seem taller,

And, when their hair falls out, they will look bald or sick with mange.

A MOLDY OLD GEEZER IN LOVE

It was six or seven in the evening, when Grandad Perry caught his cold,

He lived in a nursing home, and was so ancient, his body was mostly mold,

He said to me, "Stuart, hey,

Today, I will pass away,"

I looked out for grandad for twelve years, and he left his wealth to his nurse, Miss Gold.

FRAMEMOGGED BY ATTILA THE GORILLA

I went to the local zoo and got framemogged, by a gorilla,

The gorilla had an aggressive name; his name was Attila,

His muscular frame was big, wide,

That made me want to run and hide,

Last time I felt so small, was when I lived with grandma Priscilla.

I CAN'T GET ANY HELIUM FOR MY SICK GRANDMA

I cannot get any helium, to put in my big, beautiful balloon,

If I can't find some helium, I am going to be unhappy, soon,

I went to the party, balloon store,

They don't sell helium, anymore,

I need to fill a "Get Well" balloon, to take over to my Grandma Boone.

THE TRINA AT THE MALL POEM

Trina and her mom went to visit Tina's daddy, at the old city mall,

Tina's big daddy worked part-time on weekends,  as a mall cop; his name was Paul,

They shared a lunch, soda pop and fries

They said their "see you later", goodbyes,

Trina's daddy does not come home anymore, because mom caught him in some lies.

PREPPER MOCKING

I have been prepping for a radioactive, end of the world,

Many stacked pallets of bottled water, and canned food, I have squirreled,

There will come very soon, a reckoning day,

Then, my parents will quit mocking me, I pray,

Perhaps, they'll think of me kindly, as their stomach contents are hurled.

THE SUN BURNED BRAIN

There was tremendous sunshine, slapping down upon my bare, fleshed skull,

It happened to my cousin Mitch, and he ended up thinking, dull,

Mitch, as the town, dullard thinker,

He became a happy drinker,

Then he'd pass out on the docks, and got pooped on by every gull.

I FEEL SAD, FOR ALMOST EVERY BAD THING I'VE DONE

I never walk out into the bright light of the great sun,

I feel the light will expose all the awful things I've done,

I once stole a cookie from mom's jar,

Soaped the windows on dad's car,

I short sheeted big brother's bed, though that was kinda fun.

CASEY'S COMPASS HAD A FLAW

My Cousin Casey was so dog gone, super nice,

Each day, his moral compass, he would check it twice,

Casey had one ugly flaw,

It concerned his ma and pa,

He put them in a cheap nursing home, that had mice.

MALE CHAUVINIST, VAMPIRE HUNTER

I went down to St. Jane's funeral parlor;  saw my old lady there,

She was laid out on an old table, and there was blood everywhere,

She had become a vampire from a toilet seat,

And, human blood was the only food she would eat,

There was a sharp, wooden stake stuck deep in her heart, and I put it there.

I COPIED MY PARENTS

I sucked in candy cigarettes, when I was a nasty,  little tot,

I pretended I was like daddy, until my teeth began to rot,

I copied mommy and ate cookie dough,

The dough tasted good, and made my skin glow,

I gave some dough to my little bro, and it just made him snot a lot. 

BLESSED IS THE PEACEMAKER, WHO TONES DOWN GRANDMA'S WRATH

Aunt Matilda took a shower, and Uncle Benny took a bath,

They slopped water all over, drenched the floor, which caused vexed grandma's wrath,

Grandma chewed on them all day,

She refused to hear their say,

Grandma might have yelled through the night, but for our peacemaker, Aunt Cath.

LIFESTYLE CHANGES FOR SENIORS

My parents called me, and announced they had become little furries,

They said they had a giant litter box, so there were no worries,

I won't go to their house,

With my kids and my spouse,

Until I understand their lifestyles, still out are the juries.

MY UNIVERSE AND DIRTY SHORTS

My entire house filled up with neutrinos, once again,

Someone left the back window open, and they all flew in,

I used some neutrino spray,

And, most of them went away,

But, I found a bunch hiding in the dirty laundry bin.

DEAD DREAMS

I loved playing my dad's trumpet, and hoped a musician, I could one day, be,

When dad died, we moved to grandma's house, and she said my noise made her head dizzy,

Mom took my trumpet away,

She sold it cheap, on eBay,

The one activity I'm allowed, is watching soaps with grandma, on tv. 

THE MOORE FEDORA

My old fedora was eaten away by bugs,

It was given to me by mama, with a kiss and hugs,

It belonged to my Grand Pappy Moore,

He bought it for a nickel, at a store,

I lost my daddy's hunting hat, when it got slimed by slugs.

STAY IN SCHOOL, OR BE A GHOUL

My big sister Trina, became a creepy, sinister ghoul,

That was her default job, because she wouldn't attend her school,

Kids, go to school, work hard and behave,

Or, you'll be digging up someone's grave,

And, no matter what my sister says, grave robbing is not cool.

A FLORIDA IN-LAW CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

I drove down to Florida for Christmas, with my in-laws, the three, nasty bears,

They're my wife's parents, they can't stand me, and her grandma; at me, she really stares.

There was not very much, happy fun,

In-law dad, kept itching his back bun,

Grandma made a voodoo doll of me; stuck it with pins, and cursed me with nightmares.

MY CAT: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE SMELLS

My big, lurking, gray cat has many wicked, wicked ways,

My cat, Sheila, eats the rats that make my home, their maze,

When I enjoy my night cap,

She will blow farts on my lap,

When I eat tuna melt, she glares, with a murderous gaze.

MY SISTER HUNTS FOR OUR HOLIDAY FEAST

Christmas is coming, instead of goose, we are going to eat rat,

My sister has a BB gun, and she knows where the rats are at,

By day, they're under the floor,

They are sleeping; hear them snore?

At night the rats go where they want, since they frightened away the cat.