LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I never walk out into the bright light of the great sun, I feel the light will expose all the awful things I've done, I once stole a coo...

While splitting wood with an ax, today, My foot got right direct in the way, I wonder who knows, If I can grow some new toes,  Like my b...

A space-man built a pyramid ship in the middle of my backyard, Then, he told me to stay away from it, and he posted a robot guard, But, ...

Kelly the leprechaun eats nothing but worms, He washes them thoroughly, because he does not like germs, He use to like greens, Kohlrabi and ...

I spent my savings going to trumpet college, to improve my embouchure, I was told that my lips were like pig ears, making sounds that were h...

My Cousin Casey was so dog gone, super nice, Each day, his moral compass, he would check it twice, Casey had one ugly flaw, It concerned his...

I bought potato chips, but they were all mold I read that in 2012 they should have been sold, I went back to the store, But, the store...

I went down to St. Jane's funeral parlor;  saw my old lady there, She was laid out on an old table, and there was blood everywhere, She ...

I can't get insurance to cover the product I make, ginger beer, If a bunch of consumers drink it, and then die, that could cost me dear,...

The young guy called Beeper, is quite a little creep, He sold his inherited house, and bought a jeep, He tries flirting with girls That give...

There once was a senior, named Marvelous Hannah, Hannah lived in Boston, but hailed from Savannah, Hannah liked drinks that were fizzy, Fizz...

I woke up and saw a flying saucer parked in my backyard, There were two little green aliens chewing on my Swiss card, I grabbed my big blast...

The favorite dish served in Northern Michigan is called road kill stew, Every time you try it, you find smells and flavors you never new, Co...

I pulled my bad tooth out with pliers; it was done on a dare, I then started bleeding really bad, that gave me a teared scare, For an ambula...

Brother Eldon had two little feet, and they were white as snow, And, everywhere that Eldon went, his snow white feet would go, One cold day,...

Barney the big horned buffalo, put on some purple underwear,  He did not like being naked, because all the girls would stare, One girl buffa...

Penny had a handsome, pet peacock, and Penny named him ABC, ABC had a pretty, peacock girlfriend, known as 123,  123 and ABC made a big egg,...

I tried to tunnel my brainy consciousness to change my personal past, I wanted to be stinky rich, and have a marriage that for years, would ...

You see many monsters in the world, when you are just a little fly, I'm just looking for some turds to eat, then I can lay all my eggs, ...

Katrina sang while sailing, one calm sunny day, Then she sailed her small boat, too far out on the bay, Because her eyesight was poor, Katri...

I'm mad; my little, brat sister Katrina, got a brand new, baby horse, The reason she got one is mommy and daddy, were getting a divorce,...

Hickory, Dickery, Dock, my big clock chimes hourly, Sebastian Bach, It dings Bach's Toccata in D Minor, all metered with a tic tock, Whe...

No one can see that my long fingernails are never, very clean, Because I painted all my fingernails, a really dark, grass green, Instead of ...

Many people do not like my crazy, silly rhymes, My rhymes make them so mad, they want to clock my chimes, I escape into a trance, Where I am...

The eagle likes my little lambs; he takes one once a day, He flies them off into the mountains, that's where my lambs stay, The eagle on...

Ferris played masterfully, an ancient instrument, called the harpsichord, The elegant music was comforting, enchanting; a good soul's re...

After I suddenly died, scientists dissected my strange brain, They wanted to find out why I was acting, completely insane, They did not find...

I sucked in candy cigarettes, when I was a nasty,  little tot, I pretended I was like daddy, until my teeth began to rot, I copied mommy and...

I am so mad at my neighbor for stealing my bestest, favorite book, It is about a queen cheating on the king, with the handsome bishop, and r...

My family moved out into the county, where the men can raise some fat pigs, We are going to try planting tobacco, so the women can roll fres...

My cinnamon oatmeal was too hot, and it burned my pink lips, I use to eat lots of bacon, but bacon made huge, my hips, Each morning drink pr...

Aunt Matilda took a shower, and Uncle Benny took a bath, They slopped water all over, drenched the floor, which caused vexed grandma's w...

I went deep diving in a mini mall dumpster, to find a pair of shoes, I had a nice matching red pair, but someone stole them when I took a sn...

I just love paying high gasoline prices, I love paying them a lot, I had to move my family to a tent, where our toilet is a pot, At least we...

The spirit legend says, Banjo Bob And The Darlenes, still perform, In Marquette, Michigan, during every deadly, cold, snow storm, They'r...

I got very poisoned by some salmonella,  from my neighbor's garden dates,  My stomach feels like it has in it a gorilla, dancing while l...

I climbed up a steep hill to see what was on top, All that was there was a big bear, singing hip hop, He stopped singing when he saw me, Ask...

I took some time to write some trumpet etudes, They are used for practice by trumpeter dudes, Separating men from boys, They sounded like no...

Mama raised her tulips, and daddy raised his sweet corn, That's the type of family, that little me was born, We ate corn in our pudding,...

I built me a lean-to, leaning into a big oak tree, I used big pieces of metal, I picked them up for free, A big fire makes it warm, There is...

I knew a banjo player named Clay, And, boy could that hillbilly play, From Mozart to Bach, From Bluegrass to rock, His music had somethi...

My girlfriend just got home from the hospital, and boy was she mad, She said I should have stayed with her, when she was so puking sick and ...

I got in a street fight with a modern robot, and I did not do so well, He was an expert at kickboxing, his foot in my face was how I could t...

Jimmy sold his red blood to buy some toilet paper, that's how bad things are, Jimmy lost his cheap apartment, and sleeps with snakes in ...

I could not afford to raise chickens to eat, so I raised some chickadees, Chickadees have almost no flesh to eat; their boney breast, just a...

Someone gave me a cute dingbat, gave it to me, totally free, It flies around my apartment, while singing, "ding ding, ding, ding, dee...

I took the tiny eyes from a newt, then that newt could not see, Then that blind, angry, old newt, put an evil curse upon me, I was making a ...

The grocery prices are so high; it is bad, not good, Neighbors are now cannibals; it is not safe in my hood, The bugs under my door, Are my ...

Fishing steelhead on the river, right at the cusp of the winter-spring, There's snow on the ground and that river sound, attractive, tha...

We blogged about the winter, and we blogged about the deep snow, We blogged about the sunny places, we can't afford to go, It is now tim...

I am a tired, poor, dumb, miserable, wretched, starving slob, I went to the store for free samples, I had no money, no job, Doughnut holes w...

The Overton Window has moved abruptly, once again, People accept the potted roadkill, I sell in a tin, My marketing was perfect, right, Peop...

I come from an evil family of absolute savages, All my kinfolk pillage farm fields for firm feeling, cabbages, We ferment them for kraut, Th...

The new gravity toilets, are really just a common pail, You dump them out a window, and gravity will never fail, Once we could afford the ni...

My parents called me, and announced they had become little furries, They said they had a giant litter box, so there were no worries, I won...

Methinks someone was quantum tunneling, deep inside my brain, A lot of things I remember, now seem changed; am I insane? I watch internet sc...

I went out to dig a body ditch, also known as a grave, Down to the body box of Dear Henry, a bro and a knave, Bro Henry, in life, Stole Sara...

I use to be a Puritan, when I sailed over on the boat, I wore cheap, nasty, clothes, like my ragged, old, black, stinky, wool coat, They acc...

Arbutus is a flower, and Arbutus is my wife, We had our nuptials, and I guess we're married for life, We had a couple of kids, They grew...

A large frozen iguana fell from the sky, down to my head, It split my thin skull wide open, and my white shirt got all red, In Florida, we g...