LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I just got my license to hunt the vampires, This has always been one of my great desires, So, I went to the fair, Found just werewolves ther...

My favorite gift for Christmas this year, is a big box of macaroni and cheese, My second favorite gift for Christmas this year, is a can of ...

I shopped, and  bought a little metal, fishing boat, and I named it Rim Tim Tin, It was made of tin can-like aluminium, and the aluminium wa...

Christmas is coming, instead of goose, we are going to eat rat, My sister has a BB gun, and she knows where the rats are at, By day, they...

My mama laid me down to sleep, with my Mr. Tuttle doll, Mr. Tuttle was a dead pet rat, stuffed by my Auntie Moll, We grew up as jobless, poo...

I sewed a bunch of dead body parts together, because I needed a friend, I did not add any legs, so they wouldn't runaway, should my big ...

Down to the bus stop, he would go, Big box store Santa, Ho, Ho Ho, He had no reign deer, He was full of beer, So, when he talked to kiddies,...

So they do not insult any sovereign, independent nation, My limericks that are eclectic and dumb, need some regulation,10 I agree, don't...

Everywhere I looked in my house, I found a big bug, I called in the bug exterminators, Dilly & Doug, They covered my house with a plasti...

My sister had a baby in the back of a self-driving, rental car, I am telling you right now, this story you will find, is really bizarre, Sis...

I was told the economy is A+, I suppressed at the grocery store, a cuss, I had not the means, To buy a can of sardines, There was a discount...

I wish my teenage nephew would quit his bad habit, and go to high school, Instead, he digs up body parts in cemeteries, because he's a g...

I was forced off of social media, because I am too young, I'm afraid to play outside, because on my swing I might get hung, I might be a...

I went to.visit my friend, Tuna Fish, and it set off my nose alarm, A tuna needs deodorant under each fin, like a human does, each arm, More...

I built a tiny blue house; it was way, way up on a hill, I could afford only one window, and just one windowsill,  I enjoyed my new hut, I c...

I once knew a vampire, named Tinker, Tinker was quite a mean, big, bad stinker, He was not a dear, He bit me on the ear, I told Santa; yes, ...

Christmas is coming, I cannot find my pussy cat, I fear she was scared away by a wretched, fruit bat, I know she will come on back, When she...

Jim was sitting on the rooftop of his house, watching his planet get destroyed, Jim suddenly found his wee, little self, floating around in ...

I have two uncles, they are twins, named Zeek and Eek, When they saw pretty girls, they would sneak a peek, The girls thought the peek was a...

On the way home from my work, I bought taters, five pounds, I like my fried taters, and share them with my four hounds, They love fried pota...

Suddenly, our Christmas dinner is looking quite bleak this year, We can't afford our eggnog, or even ice cream and root beer, There is n...

I am the that little bat that hides behind your bedroom closet door, I come out at night, and play in your pretty hair, when you start to sn...

I bought a fat goose and I named him Christmas, so now he is our Christmas goose, Each morning I kick him out of the kid's bed, and in t...

Don't walk along the Lake Michigan coast, Where buried gold treasure is found, the most, A treasure hunt there, don't try it, An evi...

I work fixing pots and pans, through the night, J cannot take the bright of the daylight, I am the living dead, Called, The Vampire Fred, I...

I went fishing in a river, and all I caught were snags, So, when I went home with my buddy, he had the big brags, He caught ten fish, all ke...

I use to be a tinker, and I did tinkering for pay, I would tinker all night long, and then would sleep, most all the day, Someone told the t...

I took to living under a big apple tree, I paid absolutely no rent, I thought it free, But, it was in someone's front yard, They had a h...

I use to go down to the diner, and have a big mug of fresh coffee, All the townies gathered there, because the second mug was guaranteed, fr...

I was having a nightmare about this gargoyle, fella, He was flirting with my new girlfriend, her name was Bella, I ordered him to go away, T...

I went to buy some fresh, lean beef, but the price was just too high, I went to buy some deli ham, but the pig price made me cry. I wanted t...

A famous, retail store gave out some free stuff in a great, big, humongous bag, The intended result was to make all shoppers feel extremely ...

I love to tinker with a stove pot, or a fry pan, I patch up their big and small holes, as best as I can, I tinkered a tire, But, it caught o...

I walked through the trees to find the forest, but not one forest was ever found, All I found were leaves, stumps, logs, and trees upon more...

I walked into a dark, deep cave, and saddled up a big, black bear, Some call me extremely brave, others think I need a brain repair, I rode ...

A POEM FOR MOM 100 YEARS BORN DECEMBER 2, 1925 I wish, wish you were here, My mom, my friend, my dear, Friends grow up and go away, G...

The snow piled up on top of the roof, and the whole darn roof came caving in, It made a horrible, terrifying noise, because the roof was mad...

The chute on my brand new snowblower was not shooting any snow, That was in spite of my snowblower having a good grinding blow, Ice was caug...

I went begging for food at Santa's house, and Santa gave me a job, He said I had to work to eat, and I should stop being a begging slob,...

I thrust my hand down into the toilet, to retrieve an engagement ring, It had a big cubic zirconia, Zink ring, and everything, Granted, the ...

I went into the woods, and saddled a wild bear, I rode him into town, and tied him up in the square, At the store, while I was inside, A guy...

You know, I only have three fingers; I only have three toes, I come from the distant, planet Mars, and that's just how it goes, We are b...

Santa likes his fresh sugar cookies, but Santa loves his eggnog,  The one thing Santa loves much better, is a fried leg, off a frog, Some pe...

My steak is all gristle, and my lollipop, quite stale, After eating these nasty treats, I went puke in pail, The poor food choices I take, B...

The howling of a wolf in the woods, filled my beastly, carnal heart's holes, The howling was a call to the forest minions, to awaken wer...

My wife and kids went gosh, darn feral, now their sifting worms out of the sand, They are even eating nasty, stinky bugs that they catch wit...

There is a much better job in my sight, I just have to learn how to read and write, I just learned my ABCs, Next, I'll learn my DEFGs, I...

I went to see a horror movie called, "Victorian Bled", In the movie people were bleeding out, until they were all dead, The blood ...

We were so very thankful on Thanksgiving, for the delivery of pizza pie, Pizza is so much easier, than making traditional food; it made my m...

I buy all my noodles, down at the secondhand grocery store, I cook my noodles just four minutes, stir them, then cook them some more, They m...

I went to the doctor because I was in such pain, I was in so much pain, I broke a brain major vein, It just hurt and it just hurt, I took a ...

I guess shellfish are now illegal to eat, eat, I pick shell fish up all the time for a treat, treat, Surprised, I got a hale of stones, Brea...

My family, does Christmas and Thanksgiving, all in one day, We get the sentiment stuff all over, so we can go play, Most like to go ski, But...

I went downtown for a sandwich and cold pop, It was gonna be just a one place, one stop, The bathrooms, they stunk, Like a roadkill skunk, I...

Thank goodness my dear, old auntie has posted my bail, Spent yesterday and today, eating meals in the jail, Yesterday, it was potatoes, Toda...

Big Bubba lives down by the foaming sea, He is a nephew to my bro and me, Bubba loves beer and chicken, His girlfriend is Wiccan, She spelle...

I had to hunt for Thanksgiving dinner, but all I got was a chickadee, There was not much meat to feed four people, but I claimed dibs on the...

I went to Santa's toy store and the shelves were all empty,14 Normally, Santa makes sure his store has toys, a plenty,14 Why were there ...

There were some carts in the big box, discount grocery store, I noticed the carts were signed with, "Bargains!!! Half-off Or More!!!...

I liked to feed all the little squirrels shelled peanuts, all winter long, I got my kids a cool Christmas present, a video game, called Pong...