LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Santa went walking one night, and met a snow monster, and she was pretty, The snow monster came up north, because the snow had melted in the...

I went to the Symphony to hear me some Brahms, When I get really stressed out, the Brahms music calms, But, as the Valkyries roared, My bloo...

Bob was sleeping all quiet, in his warm bed upstairs, When he awoke hearing footsteps of three, great big bears, When they entered his bedro...

Beware, hungry bears, People taste just like chicken, A real treat for bears. 10722

This morning, I saw a feral hog, and he was dancing in my neighbor's yard, The big beast showed off such amazing dance moves, that he ca...

100% of the men who age, will physic change, Their belts will ride down low, in a below the belly range, As their bones shrink smaller, Youn...

My mom told me to clean my goldfish bowl, I ignored her and left them smelly in their hole, Mom got mad as a badly bugged bee, So, in the...

There was a boogeyman who hung around a boogey-bog, He had a big boogey-cat, and a little boogey-dog, He drank boogey-beer, He ate boogey-de...

I wanted to unload my fish catch up at the quay, But the harbor master said I should stay far away, He said my fish were stinking up the t...

When I fell out my window; I slapped the pavement, and knew I was doomed, I bled out on the meat wagon, and at a fairly young age, entombed,...

The price of groceries has brought me down on my weak knees, I just bought two slices of bread, and a thin slice of cheese, I was charged 20...

Rainy, rainy, rain, The universe has found its drain, The outdoors smells wet and rank, Like an overflowed septic tank, Spring showers b...

I received a summons, to go see the great judge, in court,🏛 The great judge said, he had a very, concerning report,🐿 While at the dart clu...

I bought a little motorbike, so I could journey into town, The flying bugs splat me in the face, and that makes me have a frown, In town, my...

It was six or seven in the evening, when Grandad Perry caught his cold, He lived in a nursing home, and was so ancient, his body was mostly ...

I went out in the snow and made a hole, At the bottom of the hole there was a vole,  The vole said, "you know voles are magic in Mi...

Myrna played the pipe organ, She did not play it very well, That’s why all around her home, The neighbors all wanted to sell,  Myrna ch...

The dumb dinosaur, he just went way too far, When he ate up grandma's old Volkswagen car, Grandma used her big straw broom, It was the d...

I had a little spaceship, But, It did not travel far, It launched sideways thirty feet, And, was run over by a car, My spac...

I went into the woods hunting for bear, But, a Bigfoot had already been there, He ate all the bears, Except, for some hairs, And then, t...

The Jellybean Mean by lcb. I went and bought some jellybeans, There were reds, and blues, yellows and greens, But, the purples were th...

In my garden there was a poisonous snake, He was waiting for a murderous break, And, he found a win, As his fangs pierced my skin, Revenge f...

I had a big pet raven, and he liked to eat canary, He used to eat them by the bunch, like a small, yellow berry, The canary birds worked tog...

Larry has been busy with looksmaxxing for the past twenty-four weeks, Larry wants to be much better looking, that's the career path he s...

It's a Saturday night out for my old Uncle Lee, He can kick up his heels, for a small price, nearly free, There's  cards, darts, bin...

Celine looked out the window at cars, While dreaming of moving to mars, But, mars is all gravel and rocks, With sundial tic-tocs, And...

I went to the moon, and fell down into a deep pit, There I found an alien boxed, space-time, travel kit, I traveled back to sports games Bet...

Mike Colin STEPHANIE By Mike Colin Reporter Humor News Nuts Publications In honor of Halloween (All Hallows Eve), I have been a...

The ships set sail, full of chamomile,  There were six, or maybe seven, The ships set sail, transporting chamomile, To the ports that receiv...

Frank saw a frog with polka dots, He picked it up and then got spots, He went to doctors for some reports, But, every doctor said that Fr...

Bronson was a beaver bear, His species was really rare, He built damns with logs, Frightened cats and dogs, A cave was his main lair. ...

I went to the airport and got stopped by some goons, They wouldn't let me pass, unless I sang them some tunes, I knew I could not go wro...

Billy loved his helium, and put it in his private, balloon toy, Billy loved his helium gas so much, we called him, Helium Boy, Dear Helium B...

I've been quantum tunneling all of my married life, It has made for an ideal marriage with my dear, wife, When the wife enters a room, T...

Food prices have gotten really high, so I bought a clearance piece of pork, It was very slimy and stunk, but when cooked it had the texture ...

There was an alien from Saturn, with a real name of Toots, She lacked having two, human legs, so they bar nicknamed her foots, Foots was a f...

We are going quantum tunneling, quantum tunneling we will go, We will move instantly through a wall; how we do it? I do not know, We quantum...

I went to the local zoo and got framemogged, by a gorilla, The gorilla had an aggressive name; his name was Attila, His muscular frame was b...

I'm trying to find some helium, because it makes me talk, real silly, My silly talk is entertaining to my best friends, Ben, Bart and Bi...

I'm preping for the end of the world to come, I am being ridiculed, by more than just some, I've moved into a tent, With a woodstove...

It is spring and it's getting hotter, It is time to find my fly swatter, Baby flies are coming out, They will be chewing about, And, poo...

I drove my pickup truck to the gas station to put gas in my gas tank, First, I had to get a bank loan, which was backed by the home of Uncle...

I cannot get any helium, to put in my big, beautiful balloon, If I can't find some helium, I am going to be unhappy, soon, I went to the...

Trina and her mom went to visit Tina's daddy, at the old city mall, Tina's big daddy worked part-time on weekends,  as a mall cop; h...

Butcher the beagle liked to eat flies, High in protein; those crunchy meat pies, Once he chomped down on a bee, Which made Butcher see, When...

I shaved and dressed up to visit my dear, girl Pansy, in the park, Pansy works there at a small hotdog stand, long hours, and after dark, Sh...

I went out to my chicken coup, and ran into a big bear, He had eaten all of my chickens, but I really didn't care, For the cost of a slu...

I've stored away over 1 1/2 tons of dried rice, beans and potatoes, I have 7,000 cans of various types of delicious tomatoes, It took me...

I went to the store and the prices were  so high, I complained about prices to the checkout guy, Then he called the cops,  They gave me some...

My backpack was full of candy bars, filled with chocolate cream, The squirrels that were following me, had developed a scheme, I was a nerd,...

Squeaky Squires laid out a detailed business plan, To sell cheap crap, and become a big, billionaire man, Squeaky Squires built big box depa...

Prices have made my personal economics a huge disaster, I had to sell my collection of knick knacks, carved from alabaster, Poverty takes a ...

Squeaky Squire's opened dozens and dozens of stores, They had greeters greeting customers at the front doors, Greeters were looking for ...

It was the return to the city of Burgundy Blue She was a singer, and dancer and great puppeteer, too. She knew just how to entertain, The Ge...

I'm preparing for the end of the world, nosey ones say, I've got ninety-five jars of peanut butter, all put away, I've got a tho...

I slept inside a snowbank, because it is so cold, It's a hard thing to do, when you're 100 years old, My increased mortgage, I could...

There was a terrible snow blizzard, and my donkey ran far away, I lost him in the blowing snow, he's in South America, some say, My donk...

From the south the robin red-breasted came flying, I was quite tempted and imagined him frying, Alas, the better angels in me, Said, ...

I rowed out upon the bay to fish, on the Ides of March, I wanted some protein to fry, with my potato starch, I was caught with some ale, The...

Squeaky Squires' put a chip in my brain, So I could cashier at his store up in Maine, We sell veggies by weights, Expired goods with old...