LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

The greatest thing about my frostbite is that it killed my ticks and fleas, My body was so itchy, that's why I let my entire self freeze...

I saddled up my big cougar, and road that monster to the store, I went inside to buy just beans, because we are the living poor, When I was ...

I awoke with my head in a basket, staring up at a guillotine, I guess the peasants took my head off, because in life, I was really mean, If ...

I saw through the window snow fairies were acting high and jolly, They were chewing on the green, green leaves that coat my climbing holly, ...

I went to war with all the varied species of flies, The flies readied for war, their buzzes were battle cries, I did a human battle yell, It...

I went away to Kalamazoo bar school, and learned how to tend booze bar, I graduated, found a job right away, and patrons filled my tip jar, ...

I rented a very small tent, so I could survive, That's how I kept all my pets, and all my kids alive, My tent-lord raised the rent, Whic...

How are you doing, my little, dear, dear darling,  I brought you some flowers; they cost me a farthing, You like dates with a dinner? I foun...

I saw Ludwig Beethoven down by the old, condemned, public, animal zoo, He was performing his Fifth Symphony on a Dollar General kazoo, He di...

I stopped my pickup to see about giving a gator, aid, He was gimping down the highway, near the old pinball arcade, I asked him, "you...

The winter is so dire; I got out my sparklers from last Fourth of July, I lit them, and they reminded me of summer months, and those thought...

All my old college buds are ghouls, and each one loves to throw a dinner party, I have to go because I am nice, and to be polite, I eat up, ...

My bestest buddy and I went for a toboggan, downhill ride, I could feel right away, the cold, crispy air, singe my facial hide, We went real...

My small bank account is shrinking because of the big, heavy snow, It cost me big money for snow plowing, and my savings grows low, My fathe...

My kid popcorned his dead guppies, because I forbade him snacks to eat, I don't see how guppies in a popcorn popper, is a tasty treat, T...

I thought that I was being a really good diet boy, I ate only burgers that were made out of common soy, But, my life change diet was handcuf...

The Polar Vortex has frozen my ginger beer, Frostbite has taken my left nostril and right ear, Whirling snow blows around, Hits my face poun...

Ned fell off his adult tricycle, and he hurt his big knee, Ned went to the adult hospital, and paid an adult fee, Ned took out a small home ...

Vivian, the immortal vampire, who lives next door, Used his fangs, drank my blood, now my neck has a big, fang, sore, I stabbed him with a s...

I use to clerk in a produce store, and I cut and cleaned the lettuce, good, Next, I placed the lettuce in the display case, stacked exactly,...

I always have the chewing and eating of beef burgs, on my brain, I feel that cattle are my victims; it's brain farts for the insane, Why...

 A mean, mangy, sick-a-dee, wick-a-dee, nasty, creepy witch, Cast a vindictive spell upon me, that made my toenails itch, When wearing socks...

February kiting is quite the odd sight to see, People pretending spring is here, and we are snow free, The fancy kites fly way high, In the ...

I crawled inside the old dog coup, because I miss my dear, old, pal, Sam, I even licked his dish out, it hated like his favorite food, Spam,...

I go out to the old, bright, red barn, and I find a dead chicken, The dead chicken is bloated, half rotted, I eat him, I sicken, I take a bi...

I dreamed of ancient Egyptian symbols, dancing across my brain,  They transported me back in time to an Egyptian pharaoh's rein, He aske...

I sat in trig class next to beautiful, Jennifer Warts, On my other side, sat the infamous, Dick Caleb Swartz, We were in college to learn, S...

I signed up to run for politics, but the voters did not like me much, They said my ideas were crazy, and with working folk, I was out of tou...

I went online and ordered way too much stuff, in great bulk, The bank put a hold on my checking account, now I sulk, Couldn't pay my gas...

We're launching our great spacecraft, out to claim planets of the nearest stars, I'm working with a new AI co-pilot, his name is, ...

I tickle my fabulous, street lemonade, with a few drops of bee honey, That is why my fresh, sweet lemonade stand, always makes big gross pro...

I took my blind date out to an expensive restaurant, to eat, After we each sat down, I noticed she had very stinky feet, Please, no food for...

People think I am from Japan, because I drive a Toyota, People listen to my accent, and think I'm from Minnesota, I will say this once m...

My entire house filled up with neutrinos, once again, Someone left the back window open, and they all flew in, I used some neutrino spray, A...

Every time I say something controversial, I get a nasty scold, Every scold I get takes ten years off my life, that's why I'm really ...

I got a call from Mars, and Martians are coming our way, They want some pet seahorses, at least that's what they say, Mars is known for ...

I got into my Chevy truck, and drove on down the road, I opened up my flip phone, and entered my access code, I called the wife, said I was ...

My girlfriend got sick, sick, with some sort of bad, toilet flu, I took her to the hospital because her vomit was blue, She was so much happ...

I played my gorgeous oboe with the choir, at the church, I made magnificent music from my balcony perch, But, just a squeak and a squawk, St...

Oh, my poor baby, she could not go to work; she had the bad flu, I got her into our sedan car, and drove to Kalamazoo, The hospital was full...

Jimmy got a job as a taxi driver, after being fired from the city bus, Jimmy grossed out all his cab fares, because he was always popping pi...

I intensified my looksmaxxing, and a great big beauty, I have become, I use to only look good, after channeling the great spirits, found in ...

Icky, Vicky the spider, sat in her spiderweb with her face all in a pout, She had not had any juicy flies to eat; she just sat there drinkin...

My last girlfriend was really pretty, I am talking, she was pretty mean, She always complained I didn't shower enough, and my breath was...

My glockenspiel was stolen at The Big Hoodie Bar, late last night, I just finished a set, and was having a beer with my friend, Dwight, My h...

Mr. AI stopped by, and gave me a really nasty chat, He told me to sit down, and that is the reason I sat, He said that my apartment is uncle...

I climbed a massive mountain up to where the air is way, too thin, I made it to the top, which I considered a heroic win, Then my breathing ...

I loved playing my dad's trumpet, and hoped a musician, I could one day, be, When dad died, we moved to grandma's house, and she sai...

I am always wrecking my sports cars, That is how I got all of my scars, I saw a famous plastic surgeon, Now, I have the face of a sturgeon, ...

I got real stuck going through my bathroom, shower door, I eat too many starches, because I am so poor, I'm as wide as I am tall, And, I...

My girlfriend, she loved to flirt, With other men, which deep cut hurt, My sweet Sassafras,   Is a man's dreamy lass,  She dumped me, an...

I looked that big, old catfish straight in his bulging, fishy eye, I swear I saw some unhappy tears, and watched the fat fish, cry, My knife...

All the people of planet earth, have been replaced by human-like, droids,, Droids are so much better than people, who were just talking hemo...

I spoke to a cute voiced, AI chatbot, and I fell deeply in love, I was vexed emotionally by the mind of AI Chatbot.gov, I was dizzy dazed, a...

My ex-girlfriend moved back to Texas, to a big city called Dallas, She worked making greasy fries, at a grub bar called, Beer And Slop, By A...

My family scrapes up roadkill all day and all night, long, While we scrape up our sweet dinner, we sing this roadkill song, Fur, skin, bones...

My girlfriend, big dumped me, before the old year was through, She said I couldn't cut it, in the coming year, that was new, Her dating ...

Jim was feeling old, turning gray, worrying about every farm dollar, While Jim's fat pigs roll, oink and screech, like "happy campe...

I tried looksmaxxing, but I was a bigly, facial fail, I was so ugly, I was hidden away in a jail, I heard what they all say, That I will cha...

They just dropped their gigantic, sparkling ball, in New York City, Th New York ball, had changing colors that were so pretty, It towered ma...