LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Santa likes his fresh sugar cookies, but Santa loves his eggnog,  The one thing Santa loves much better, is a fried leg, off a frog, Some pe...

My steak is all gristle, and my lollipop, quite stale, After eating these nasty treats, I went puke in pail, The poor food choices I take, B...

The howling of a wolf in the woods, filled my beastly, carnal heart's holes, The howling was a call to the forest minions, to awaken wer...

My wife and kids went gosh, darn feral, now their sifting worms out of the sand, They are even eating nasty, stinky bugs that they catch wit...

There is a much better job in my sight, I just have to learn how to read and write, I just learned my ABCs, Next, I'll learn my DEFGs, I...

I went to see a horror movie called, "Victorian Bled", In the movie people were bleeding out, until they were all dead, The blood ...

We were so very thankful on Thanksgiving, for the delivery of pizza pie, Pizza is so much easier, than making traditional food; it made my m...

I buy all my noodles, down at the secondhand grocery store, I cook my noodles just four minutes, stir them, then cook them some more, They m...

I went to the doctor because I was in such pain, I was in so much pain, I broke a brain major vein, It just hurt and it just hurt, I took a ...

I guess shellfish are now illegal to eat, eat, I pick shell fish up all the time for a treat, treat, Surprised, I got a hale of stones, Brea...

My family, does Christmas and Thanksgiving, all in one day, We get the sentiment stuff all over, so we can go play, Most like to go ski, But...

I went downtown for a sandwich and cold pop, It was gonna be just a one place, one stop, The bathrooms, they stunk, Like a roadkill skunk, I...

Thank goodness my dear, old auntie has posted my bail, Spent yesterday and today, eating meals in the jail, Yesterday, it was potatoes, Toda...

Big Bubba lives down by the foaming sea, He is a nephew to my bro and me, Bubba loves beer and chicken, His girlfriend is Wiccan, She spelle...

I had to hunt for Thanksgiving dinner, but all I got was a chickadee, There was not much meat to feed four people, but I claimed dibs on the...

I went to Santa's toy store and the shelves were all empty,14 Normally, Santa makes sure his store has toys, a plenty,14 Why were there ...

There were some carts in the big box, discount grocery store, I noticed the carts were signed with, "Bargains!!! Half-off Or More!!!...

I liked to feed all the little squirrels shelled peanuts, all winter long, I got my kids a cool Christmas present, a video game, called Pong...

I got a fruit basket from a friend, but the fruit was carved from wood, I chewed and chawed, cut and stabbed, but for food, the fruit wasn...

My parachute did not open, and now I'm just a mess, I jumped from an airplane, and fell under a great duress, I made an enormous, gross ...

I saw a ghost in the hall, with a big sharp ax, and he was blood red, He was dripping blood on my floor, and missing his natural, human head...

A free green tea seems like a gift given, that is fair, Brown tea is a great tea, but has the breath of a bear, Chamomile is social, Lemon t...

My outdoor toilet was all full of flowers, They grew well after all the rain showers, They were such a bouquet, I just let them stay, ...

I shop for my Christmas candy, when I go to rummage and yard sales, I only buy the real quality stuff, not sucked on by bugs or snails. I do...

Everyday each year, I got bullied on the way to school, The two big bullies were Big Fist Buster, and his sidekick, Drool, First, Drool did ...

At deer camp, we got 16 deer, 4 goats and ten trolls, And, Ron got two garden gnomes, methinks that he stoles, And, Frederick The Peasant, T...

Sneed was a spider, and a big, giant spider was Sneed, He wrapped his webs throughout the house, for he was full of greed, Greedy for the bi...

I went to a fast food place, for a fish between buns with a pop and fries, I hung out there on Fridays to be with the local gals and local g...

My neighbor sat on my bathroom toilet, and the toilet fell through the floor, My neighbor is threatening a lawsuit, for a million dollars, o...

Jimmy the itty, bitty lizard is so sad, you see, He lives alone in my restored, antique cabinetry, He eats spiders and fruit flies, Turns th...

I bought a shack down in the holler, I moved in and spread out my squalor, I decided to let in, The rest of my kith and kin, Some cousins mu...

A robot stole my packed, full grocery cart; it was full of bananas, I was taking them to the nursing home, to feed the grandpas and nanas, F...

My grey cat is a villain, a villain is he, He shredded my curtains, and dropped pee in my tea, Teasing my pretty koi,  Brings my cat villain...

I went to the grocery store to buy just one pound of ground beef, I looked at all the high beef prices, and said, "oh, good greedy grie...

Along came a big flying monkey, and he flew off with my toupee, I'll never see that fake hair again, because the monk flew far away, My ...

I was hungry for peaches, so I went to the grocery store, The store didn't have any peaches, because they were needed for war, I did not...

I found the wrapped candy canes, left over from last year, Are they still good? Or should I just feed them to the deer?   When I went to buy...

I inherited a dinosaur egg; it was really old, The old egg has been in my family, since a time untold, Yesterday, a saur popped out, The kid...

I gathered my pennies; took them to the bank, and they weren't worth a thing, The bank stoped exchanging currency for pennies, sometime,...

The last penny I own, I threw into the sea, To sink to the starfish, to keep its company, The dollar is the new penny, I do not have very ma...

I went to the cemetery to visit Uncle Joe, His tiny headstone was all covered with new fallen snow, Both of my hands were gloved, One gave t...

There was a brain eating monkey that entered my ear, The monkey is small, but he's eating my brains, I fear My big eyeballs twitch and t...

My broke parents are canceling our Christmas, this year, No cookies for elves, and Santa won't get his wheat beer, Wow, our dinner menu ...

I was fishing in a boat on a bay, when a unicorn swam in from the sea, The unicorn had four legs and a golden saddle, and was beckoning to m...

In my previous life, I was a big, buck deer, I would run through the big, spruce forest, full of fear, A hunter shot me, And, food I did be,...

I am an 80 year old beggar, and I live on the street, People throw me a penny, and tell me, just spend it to eat, I give them a big, giant g...

My warm home was full of hundreds of mice, and I noticed they were real fury, I wanted to catch them and make a coat, but they were always i...

It got so warm in my little cabin, the flies hatched out, They were buzzing all around, and buzz singing all about, I whacked them with the ...

My health insurance, now costs twice as much as my high rent, So, I gave up my apartment, to live in a small tent, But, I found a nice box d...

I went far off into space to find me a livable moon, I wanted to move to a nice, warm moon, and move there real soon, I found one that was p...

I grow red potatoes on the side of a steep hill, Most people can't quite stand up straight, but I have that skill, I go hoe, hoe, hoe, h...

I ran my new bicycle into a big maple tree, I lost all my front teeth, and some stored brain cell history, In the hospital bed, I bled, From...

My chicken laid two little eggs that I fried up with some ham, The kids did not like breakfast; they wanted bacon flavored Spam, They had ce...

Bling, Bong, I do fear, the real wicked witch is named, Ned, He got his powers from his big, bad daddy called, Fred, Ned will steal frozen m...

Winter came and brought misery, misery, I am told, It blocked the paths of all creatures, and suffered them, the cold, Cold hurts the face, ...

When I was admired as a scholar, I never made one single whole dollar, My mind was prepared, Yet, nobody cared, I'm paid to walk dogs le...

I was told that in debates, I consistently cave, That opinion came from my hero, big Brother Dave, But, no cave have I been, I do tent, now ...

I thought of eating pears, about mid-week, So, it was off to the store, to pear seek, Well, seekers beware, There were no pears there, I hea...

I build myself a small, livable yurt, Along comes a wind, I sleep on just dirt, My yurt blows far away, It sinks out in the bay, I move home...

One pound of water and five pounds of milk fat, That is the composition of my dumb cat, His name is Old Sleepy Roger, He's an activity d...