LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I bought several boxes of snack crackers, for my New Year's Eve, They were all cheesy powdered, so we could eat them out of the sleeve, ...

I stuffed so much wood in my steel woodstove, my cabin became really hot, It was so hot that when anyone came inside, their nose would runof...

I drove on down to the old town, called Kalamazoo, I bought at a bovine auction, a cow that goes, "moo", I trained her to loudly s...

I use to be a big star, then my public bent over, and gave me a moon, Now, I'm a forgotten cloud, hovering over a cornfield all afternoo...

I have been a grave robber all of my adult life, It is an intimate thing, I do with my sweet wife, It's our family biz, Fills us with Ri...

Hector lost his rizz, playing hide and seek with the chickens, cows and sheep, People thought he had no bizz, being a creepy, farm animal cr...

I think of humans to be like all other animals, except humans aren't on my menu for dinner, It sounds like an extremely, ignorant prejud...

I decided to paint a small picture, over my Christmas college break, I painted various sized oak, maple and pine trees, surrounding a lake, ...

My old fedora was eaten away by bugs, It was given to me by mama, with a kiss and hugs, It belonged to my Grand Pappy Moore, He bought it fo...

I was cross-country skiing, when in some deep hole, I was downed, I woke a big grisly bear, and up on her back feet, she bound, She gave me ...

I bought an abandoned, tiny house for my first rental, realty, Then it rained and the roof was bad, and under the floor there sat a sea, I r...

I made plans, and built a massive bunker, so I could sleep soundly at night, I will be quite safe from falling acorns, and such things that ...

Timmy was an odd, little man, who drove a great big, city bus, If you did not do what Timmy said, he would spit on you and cuss, Timmy was a...

Teacher told me I was a lunatic, and sent me straight home from the middle school, She called my parents and said I was a lunatic, with the ...

I went thrifting today, and bought p!acid tulips for a buck, I also bought a booster seat, so I can steer my pickup truck, At home I admired...

I worked all day in shipping and receiving, now my orders are mixed up, I cannot go home for dinner, so on snack chips and coffee I must sup...

I'm an AI robot, and my skin film pores, got very sore, They were plugged up with dust from my work mining, iron metal, ore, The skin cr...

I got a kite for Christmas, and I flew it behind a two horse sleigh, Every time the kite got really high, the bright sun would say, "go...

I was so mad; I put on my winter boots to walk into a war, The evil, next door neighbors, blew out their driveway, and filled mine in more, ...

Santa  gave everyone a can of spinach, for their present, Christmas Day, Then Magic Santa, rode off triumphantly, in his vintage, canned goo...

I invented starship warp drive, and I went on a trip, It did not take me very long, in my warp driving ship, I went to a planet called Mars,...

Santa's reign deer got sick this year, so now Santa is using flying pigs, The pigs are always hungry, but they want to eat only dried, f...

It is very early on Christmas morning; Santa's red sleigh is flying, In order to get Christmas presents this year, I did a lot of lying,...

I bought some asparagus for my Christmas dinner, and I covered it with cheese, I dripped over the asparagus dish,  some bacon grease for a r...

I went to the pub; bellied up to the bar six or seven times, When there was absolutely no one looking, I would scratch some rhymes, As my Li...

I went to hear a choir that had voices of bling, The choir was ringing bells that sung, " ring, dingy, ding" Each choir member had...

I punched myself in my pretty face all day, to really change my facial looks, I taught myself exactly how to do this, by reading many intern...

I was shaving when Occam's razor cut my face, I'm suing his company in a big court case, The razor cut really deep, I got the blood ...

Trina had a little Christmas in her little Christmas home, She shared it with her family:  her cat and a garden gnome, They thought themselv...

My wife has been down to neighbor Ned's house, all night and day, Ned is stud handsome and divorced, and real lonely, some say, I'm ...

Trina bought a Christmas tree, she bought it at the mall,  The tree was not very big, standing only three feet tall, Trina set the tree on a...

It was a Merry Christmas for Uncle Vern, Someone gave Uncle Vern his first butter churn, Vern churned a batch of butter, That made hungry gu...

Everything I go to buy, is completely unaffordable, I'm told I should save my paychecks, but my incomes are unhordable,  Some say, money...

Christmas was coming, and our old, grey goose got real big and fat,14 Then our neighbors stole our big goose, then ate it, and that was that...

My big sister Trina, became a creepy, sinister ghoul, That was her default job, because she wouldn't attend her school, Kids, go to scho...

Trina boarded the Christmas train to the big town of Kalamazoo, Once there, Trina went Christmas thrifting, buying cheap trinkets that were ...

I could only buy one doll for Christmas, because that's all I can afford, This year, my seven daughters will have to share it, and no on...

I cannot buy a pizza pie, Because the price was raised too high, The price of pop? Too high, full stop, My belly hurts; my eyeballs cry..

I drove down to Florida for Christmas, with my in-laws, the three, nasty bears, They're my wife's parents, they can't stand me, ...

I left a chicken sandwich out for Santa, but the chicken was tainted, While driving, Santa's stomach started growling, and Santa almost ...

My beautiful, brand new sailboat was seven meters long, I named her after a punk band, The Seven Meters Song, Because of bourbon and tea, I ...

Trina wrapped a Christmas present for her nice mommy and her dear dad, She bought the present at a thrift shop, because that is the latest f...

Trina had a big acorn, stuffed way up in her shoe, It made her little toesies all black and navy blue, Trina pulled off her little shoe, Pul...

My granddad was born in 1795, I do not know how, but granddad is still alive, He only comes out at night, Disappears by first daylight, They...

Santa's sleigh and reindeer landed on my frail, trailer top, I heard the sleigh land, and reindeer hooves landing, plop, plop,plop,  Thr...

My big, lurking, gray cat has many wicked, wicked ways, My cat, Sheila, eats the rats that make my home, their maze, When I enjoy my night c...

My ghee ran away with my beans, They have been in love, since their teens, I hope that it's true, That they marry, too, And, adopt some ...

I came down with a case of severe pox, I caught it from my new cereal box, There's pox in all the stores, In the ceilings and floors, I ...

I only eat bologna, it's a nutritious, power food, It could be made of pork and chicken, or some poor, homeless dude, It is an old, secr...

I have an amplified and mystified mind, As I look up at the sky stars, twist and wind, Stars live in the past, Not a thing can last, I see m...

I needed my pot fixed, so I could have some stew with my port,15 So, I went to see the great tinker; he was my dead, last resort,16 Tinker p...

I played a trumpet solo at a theatre in Western Maine, No audience showed up, so I felt intense, rejection pain, The concert tickets were fr...

I left the sleepy, little village, because I thought I'd take a walk, Villagers think that I am really weird, because to myself, I talk,...

The world is full of a rag nasty, great gloom, Everywhere I look, I see coming, my doom, No sense in my trying, I'll just end up crying,...

There was an enormous mule deer, digging in my front yard, He was digging in ice and snow to eat my dead, Swiss chard, I went and got my dee...

Just for one dollar, I got my fingernails clipped, Then in a grey, hand lotion, my fingers got dipped, I felt nice and pretty, I went to the...

When Jim got contagious, and his body got to poxing, Over the internets, his information was doxing, He did not go roam, He stayed in his ho...

Denny ate so many tomatoes, his mouth was full of canker sores, He ate so many dried prunes, that every bowel movement, it pours, He ate too...

My little terrier, has a very kind, pouchIe brain, He brings me my fluffy slippers, and drags to me my cane, I lost my teeth to decay, He ch...

I just got my license to hunt the vampires, This has always been one of my great desires, So, I went to the fair, Found just werewolves ther...