LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I went to the grocery store to buy just one pound of ground beef, I looked at all the high beef prices, and said, "oh, good greedy grie...

Along came a big flying monkey, and he flew off with my toupee, I'll never see that fake hair again, because the monk flew far away, My ...

I was hungry for peaches, so I went to the grocery store, The store didn't have any peaches, because they were needed for war, I did not...

I found the wrapped candy canes, left over from last year, Are they still good? Or should I just feed them to the deer?   When I went to buy...

I inherited a dinosaur egg; it was really old, The old egg has been in my family, since a time untold, Yesterday, a saur popped out, The kid...

I gathered my pennies; took them to the bank, and they weren't worth a thing, The bank stoped exchanging currency for pennies, sometime,...

The last penny I own, I threw into the sea, To sink to the starfish, to keep its company, The dollar is the new penny, I do not have very ma...

I went to the cemetery to visit Uncle Joe, His tiny headstone was all covered with new fallen snow, Both of my hands were gloved, One gave t...

There was a brain eating monkey that entered my ear, The monkey is small, but he's eating my brains, I fear My big eyeballs twitch and t...

My broke parents are canceling our Christmas, this year, No cookies for elves, and Santa won't get his wheat beer, Wow, our dinner menu ...

I was fishing in a boat on a bay, when a unicorn swam in from the sea, The unicorn had four legs and a golden saddle, and was beckoning to m...

In my previous life, I was a big, buck deer, I would run through the big, spruce forest, full of fear, A hunter shot me, And, food I did be,...

I am an 80 year old beggar, and I live on the street, People throw me a penny, and tell me, just spend it to eat, I give them a big, giant g...

My warm home was full of hundreds of mice, and I noticed they were real fury, I wanted to catch them and make a coat, but they were always i...

It got so warm in my little cabin, the flies hatched out, They were buzzing all around, and buzz singing all about, I whacked them with the ...

My health insurance, now costs twice as much as my high rent, So, I gave up my apartment, to live in a small tent, But, I found a nice box d...

I went far off into space to find me a livable moon, I wanted to move to a nice, warm moon, and move there real soon, I found one that was p...

I grow red potatoes on the side of a steep hill, Most people can't quite stand up straight, but I have that skill, I go hoe, hoe, hoe, h...

I ran my new bicycle into a big maple tree, I lost all my front teeth, and some stored brain cell history, In the hospital bed, I bled, From...

My chicken laid two little eggs that I fried up with some ham, The kids did not like breakfast; they wanted bacon flavored Spam, They had ce...

Bling, Bong, I do fear, the real wicked witch is named, Ned, He got his powers from his big, bad daddy called, Fred, Ned will steal frozen m...

Winter came and brought misery, misery, I am told, It blocked the paths of all creatures, and suffered them, the cold, Cold hurts the face, ...

When I was admired as a scholar, I never made one single whole dollar, My mind was prepared, Yet, nobody cared, I'm paid to walk dogs le...

I was told that in debates, I consistently cave, That opinion came from my hero, big Brother Dave, But, no cave have I been, I do tent, now ...

I thought of eating pears, about mid-week, So, it was off to the store, to pear seek, Well, seekers beware, There were no pears there, I hea...

I build myself a small, livable yurt, Along comes a wind, I sleep on just dirt, My yurt blows far away, It sinks out in the bay, I move home...

One pound of water and five pounds of milk fat, That is the composition of my dumb cat, His name is Old Sleepy Roger, He's an activity d...

I use to go to a dollar store, when I was a little kid, I had a much older brother who worked there, he was named, Sid, Sid was married to R...

Because the airlines operate on a massive delay, I missed a meeting and got a big reduction in pay, In fact, I was  fired, That wasn't d...

I always felt the biggest danger from the moths,12 Was their desire to consume many of my cloths,12 It seems moths have blood desires,8 Mont...

We have Thanksgiving, before we can celebrate our annual Ho Ho, Ho! Then we meet and  eat ma's half frozen turkey, until our guts feel w...

I have a very diseased, unthinking, squirrelly, little brain, Doc says, it is so brittle and little, I must be insane, My brain cells died o...

There was a constant blogger, who blogged about preparing his every meal, He thought if he blogged his meal details, he'd receive lots o...

I rocked out with tones on my electric guitar, In a jazz band that played at a hillbilly bar, We had a great base, His solos were ace, Our d...

I auditioned for the local orchestra, to play 1st chair trombone, I played a song called "Om Papa", with my bone muted by a mute c...

I lost the house election, now I must leave my home to go sleep, I was accused of teasing the new dog; I got labeled, a creep, The 5 kids na...

Benny did me a solid, when he loaned me his teeth, The teeth weren't for me, they were for my Grandfather Keith, Gramps had a date dinne...

This sad morning, my old rusty, purple pickup would not start, My vehicle turned over once, then the engine blew apart, I was so late for my...

I made me some spaghetti and dumped in a can of sauce, Into this mixture, my special meatballs, I gave a toss, It tasted so good, The best i...

I built a giant spaceship in outer space, all out of plywood, It traveled between planets just ace, but the reentry was no good, So, my inve...

Trina had a hunger urge, so she went to Lucky Street, Trina wanted to buy some sweet candy, and dead, red meat, The candy was old and stale,...

I tried to create some chaos, because that's the popular thing to do, I went to a pharmacy lab, and released the rats, and the monkeys t...

To scare my spouse, pets and kids, when I am feeling the blue, I went to the barber and bought me a scorpion tattoo, Its in the middle of my...

I went to the local grocery store to buy some food for lunch, I bought a pack of spaghetti, because to eat I have to crunch, I use to have a...

After over snacking, all evening, on prunes or plums, Tension filled guests, waited in a line, to empty their tums, The pipes took in litera...

J went outside to hoe my garden, but everything was dead, Somehow it had turned to fall, but it was spring inside my head, Where did the spr...

My job went away when my corporate employer got sued, I just went to place where the government hands out old, canned food, There was no foo...

Eating meat was the only way that King Benny was pleased, Now Benny is all nasty and scurvy diseased, His servants offered him fruits,...

I went out to the old haunted shack, Didn't know if I'd ever come back, Sure enough, the ghost grabbed my head, Yanked it off, made ...

Margo was the queen of Halloween ghosts, She ate candy corn jam on fresh pumpkin toast, She was a ghost, who grew wider, Drinking hot app...

I cannot afford Halloween candy, I for sure,  can't afford Christmas brandy, Thanksgiving?  I won't eat, Can't afford bread or m...

I guess my toothbrush has just become self-aware, An electric shock gave me a cardiac scare, I reached for the plug, Gave the chord a tug, W...

On Halloween I'll trick for treats,             I'll fill my bag all up with sweets, When I've finished my roam, I'll...

I went out trick-or-treating, to the big homes of the rich in my hood, I figured that because they were rich, they would give me something r...

There is a witch, that's me, I recruited two more to make three, And, though we weren't quite a coven We cooked townsfolk in our ove...

I went white water rafting, one sunny day, The river was yucky with swirling red clay, My little dog, named Gerty, Got her face all dirty, I...

On Halloween this family of ghosts, Marched in parade from coast to coast, They munched on candy, When it was handy, That's h...

So, methinks I was headed up to Mars, But my spaceship fell back down and crushed cars, I got a lawsuit, From each crushed toot, toot, Now I...

There was a nice, young lady, who rode a red bike, She had a pretty red rooster; she called him Spike, Spike rode the bike handlebars,  Whil...

People have no meat and people have no gruel, Kids lick chalk off the blackboard, for lunch at school, This is a real poor town, Unless, you...