LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Hamlet was a shy dipsy diver bug, He'd dive if he caught a glimpse of your mug, He'd swim ten foot away, Before you could say, ...

 My groceries were delivered, direct from the big store, Some pops were broken open, and that made me really sore, The pop soaked my cheddar...

 My teacher, the incredible, Mr. Bells, Teaches hypnosis, conjuring and spells, He turned me into a pheasant, That was not very pleasant, I ...

There be a clan of fairies, who live down by the bog, They buzz around my head, in nights pitch thick, with blue fog, They have pulled out m...

I was told my cousin had food from a beast, So, I went to Grayling for the great feast, It was a rodent from the road, Tire mixed wi...

I bought a trailer between a river and a lake, The property flooded and I had water intake, Finally, the water left out the door, But,...

My bucket is full of minnows, and my can is full of worms, My lunchbox is full of candy; my hands are covered with germs, I am fishing in my...

My guppy had babies; it's so very nice to see, She'll go back to her friends when she leaves maternity, The babies move slow, ...

Someone ate all of my chickens last night, The only trace found were feathers, all white, It must be the bear, He left his tracks there, ...

My dinosaur was accused of eating the neighbor's apple pie, But, my dinosaur is a carnivore, and eating fruit ain't fly, Now my dino...

The happy fat clown had gingivitis, His smile could no longer delight us, He was fired today, Given no severance pay, On the way out, he...

Fare thee well my Pumpkin Patch, May you  grow pumpkins that I might hatch, So that I might take the seeds, For on such yields my f...

Ninety-nine minnows swam way out to sea, Then along came a shark, and then there were three, Out of those ninety-nine minnows, three swam ...

 Twelve skunks moved to Midland Michigan, from a town called Montreal, They all moved to Michigan, because hula hooping was their call, In M...

I went to a senior party, near the lake, and the piers, We built a big fire, so we'd have light to find our beers, It was long past our ...

There once were three little gray mice, They tunneled deep beneath the ice, They ran into a red fox, Who liked mice with his lox, He ser...

 Trina walked on the shore, picking up dead, stinky fish, pee-you, She left one in her mommy's new car, and daddy's pickup, too, She...

My bestie, blue pig, got all covered with the mud, I set him down in a tub of hot soapy sud, He let on a big, loud squeal, Like a braked Che...

Tilda the Tent kept everyone warm, Tilda kept heads dry during the thunderstorm, The lightning came free, Striking both tent posts and me, T...

I had a really bad, bad fright, It was a weird monster I met one night, It was a green Amoeba, It's name was Reba, I think my eyeb...

When I was trekking out in deep, dark space, My spacecraft battery got a crack in its case, But, all was just fine, I ordered a new one...

Today, I went Fall surfing, and ooh, the water, it was so cold, I progressed along my age timeline, 100 years; I feel old, Now I have a big,...

 I went to the grocery store, hoped to buy a giant can of beans, I've got 15, very heavy kids to feed, and 9 of them are teens, I was re...

 I went out to my fall squash garden, and picked my precious gourds, The bad ones will fatten my pigs, the good ones, I'll dry and hoard...

There was a twisting snownado that froze Jimmy's pipes, The family couldn't flush the toilet, after their wipes, It all made Jimmy m...

My used, old car broke down, while I traveled the highway today, It's underneath an overpass, where it will forever stay, Someone might ...

There was a girl named Denise, Her favorite food was bacon grease, As for the bacon, She found it chewy and forsaken, But, the tasty asp...

Four Teddy bears in a Lamborghini, went out back roads, cruising, The car ran off the road and crashed, because the driver was snoozing, Whe...

All I want for Christmas is a brand new flugelhorn, A truck ran over my old one, and made my horn unborn, I play my horn at the corner and g...

There was a red planet, way, way up in the sky, By the blue planet, sometimes it made a flyby, It didn't stay there too long, Because bl...

I once worked in a factory, and oh, what a bore, I once checked out groceries at a grocery store, I worked in cable news, Got hooked on the ...

I studied corporate finance, also quantum physics too, I got a job in banking, managed money, for people like you, Then the securities marke...

It got so cold, I asked the rats to snuggle in, In my creaky bed with the bedbugs, and my gin, We were all warm and cozy, While the outside ...

I heard a loud pound, pound, pounding on my door in back, It was a grizzly bear, wanting his afternoon snack, The old grizzly wanted me, To ...

My full name is Little Uncle Huey, I live in  a old beer stinker, shoey, I have lived here for lots of years, Raised a family; many tears, I...

Everyone wonders "when pigs fly?," I happen to know it’s on the 4th of July,, They strap on firecrackers that night, Then, ...

I ordered some tuna fish, online, I opened the can and it smelled fine, I ate it and drank homemade red wine, I got gassy bubbles, a bad sig...

I went down to New Zealand to see what was new, The waves were real splashy, and the water was blue, There were giant mountains on Cook, I t...

They were so mean and so nasty, that I did a cringe, Then I went on a big tater tot consumption binge, They said I'm squishy like a toad...

The family wanted me to treat, By paying for a burger-fries eat, But they are full of vicious deceit, They never can lift the toilet seat, S...

I lost my home because of mortgage debt, now the wife and kids are gone, They're really super mad at me, because all their stuff I had t...

There was a tiny twinkle in the little star, A twinkle, like the big headlamp on Ned's old car, Some call it a strobe light, A rave part...

I went camping at a campground called, Three Pines and One Bat, I saw the three dead pines, but worried, where was the bat at, Then, ouch wh...

The season is short and the leggings are tall, The hot dogs are tainted,so hot sauce them all, And, I'll fight for my seat, Where ...

My meals consist mostly of just seeds and found bones, When I chew the bones I make funny crunching tones, I dream to eat stake, But, no mon...

I used to be a real solid ten, My kids look at me and ask me, "when?", I said, " o.k. fine", "Maybe now, a nine,...

I sat fast down on a fat frog on a log, The messy remains were lapped up by my dog, After my pooch ate frog slop, Pooch went hop, hop, hop, ...

I got tied up with rope and thrown into the sea, And, a 50 lb anchor was tied onto me, While  to the bottom I went, I reflected on lif...

Two little monkeys raised and sold some cattle, Then over the proceeds they started to battle, One thought it was best, That in cattle they ...

I had a drone fly into my bedroom, and hover over my head, It was definitely from outer space, just like the internets said, It had many fee...

Four toads went tubing across the waves, Three of them found deep water graves, Splash splash, oh, hark, Sounds like a shark, The fourth toa...

The rip tide is pulling this pig, out to the deep sea, Where all the great killer sharks will be waiting for me, They'll see my pink bel...

Two skunks made a nest right under my deck, They had little babies and they were cute as all heck, Though the smells did appall, The skun...

My cello was run over by a sports car, It's destroyed, now I won't be a cellist star, I thought it wouldn't get injured, So it w...

I use to fish with a cane pole, and whacked the fish in the head, real fast, I scooped them up quick, into my net, because their concussion ...

Farley was a chicken farmer, who was allergic to chicken meat, So he would have to eat chicken eggs, if chicken he was to eat, One day Farle...

My psychologist says I have a personality flaw, It seems, I put weirdo people on the pedestal of awe, If they spout weirdo gas, I'm up t...

I was marching down the road in a band, When the wind blew and I was covered with sand, It plugged the hole in my trombone, Which gave...

At granny's house I got real squirmy Because granny practiced taxidermy, She did mostly pet cats and dogs, Most pets turned out hard as ...

My trumpet notes are really flat, Since my brother beat it with a bat, He beat my oboe on the floor, And slammed my trombone in ma's tru...