LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I'm low on funds, so I went thriftng at a little thrift store, I bought fancy, fashion jeans, and nifty shirts that I adore, Next day, I...

I went to Midland Michigan to buy me a pig, A pig that would work hard, using his pig snout to dig, I wanted truffles to eat, Trained pigs c...

My mind drifted, lost in space, where I could scheme, About how I could get on the grammar school tether ball team, I decided to replace sho...

Hector was a wily weasel, He drove a truck that ran on diesel, During a winter storm, The diesel fuel didn’t stay warm, Now hectors hair...

I went to see Mr. Goodell, He lives in the zoo's big cat cell, He has a pet there named Rita, She's an African cheetah, When she...

Oh, the massively big momma spider, cried, Because all of her cute babies, drowned and died, They all washed far away, Got buried under clay...

On a recent travel, I went up a mountain pass, I rose up to the city with the towers of glass, I got a coffee to go, The service was slow, I...

My tuna fish was kind of tainted, With blue and green dots it was painted, Although, it was my main course, It smelled like sweat fro...

Your neighbor next door down, knows, That you have juicy fingers and toes, As the neighbor's belly gets tight, He'll definitely take...

My tiny, sick  panzy would not grow, My little, white lillies, they grow slow, My roses are all dead, Both the pink and the red, If things d...

The evil monsters are no longer hiding in the deep woods, They want to take my simple home, and my hard toiled for goods, Alone, I have no c...

Patches was a dog who liked to did holes, He dug up frogs and mice and little ground moles, But, on one fine day, Patches went away some ...

Look what those bad, alien Martians came and done to me, I use to be all human, now I am all honeybee,    They transmitted each human cell, ...

Everyone knows me as Dilly Dale, I stepped upon a two inch roofing nail, I left a blood trail, Started to turn pail, And across the river St...

I had a pig named Paul, He lived with the horses in a stall, He wouldn't live with the pigs, He did not like their digs, Paul was no...

Benny collected coins of silver and gold, They came from the mint, authenticated, I’m told, He should have been very rich, But there was ...

I went salmon fishing early this spring, I was pulled in like a real ding-a-ling, The fish pulled me down river, The cold gave me a shive...

School is back, and I took my golden bugle to school, I play it between classes; I'm the kid who looks cool, But when I play sad taps, I...

If I were what I eat, I would be a big bow shaped noodle, That is the food I eat, and I share it with my toy poodle, I look like a big pimpl...

I was caught in my very first major haboob, I lost all my internet and had no YouTube, I felt my sad heart race When there was no MySpace, I...

I went to the woods to find firewood for home, There I met a mean, nasty, evil, dumb, old gnome, I'm not sure which was worse, His deep ...

My little tekki torch I left lit on my porch, The porch caught fire, Results were dire, Nothing survived the scorch. 2122

All Billy can afford is noodles, rice and beans, He has to pick some boogers, if he wants some greens, Billy went to the great food store, H...

It felt like the fall of mighty Rome, When Ned lost all the hair on his dome, At just age twenty-five, Ned felt barely alive, He had hair pl...

I opened up a large can of tuna, I shared it with my cute baboona, We climbed some trees, Chewed on some leaves, We held hands, and stared a...

There was a snapping turtle named Suzie, She thought that she would pull a real doosey, She bit a hole in my wood boat, Then my boat woul...

The yellowed pillows smelled real nasty, of sweat and decay, They wreaked of old urine, and had a brown, fecal display, Although,  divorced ...

The little squirrel had a nut that had grown, so very big, He had to cut off his cable, and his bad habit, the cig, He didn't buy new sh...

I really hate doing all of my college prep, maths, More than taking early morning, cold showers, and baths, My teach, she grades real hard, ...

Sammy went to the beach and got covered with soars, The bugs liked him so much, because he tasted like s'mores, From New Years Eve t...

My fresh blueberries, they all ran away, I had saved them for my cereal day, My cereal tastes like straw, And someone's chewed chaw, And...

I went ice fishing and caught 3 tiny fish, I was hungry so I made a Pattie dish, I left in the bones and on the scales, The Pattie gave...

I went over to Indiana, to sing my gramma nana song, It's about life in the dark heart, hinterland, and stabbing with a prong, You see, ...

Jack was in a real dark room, and smelled foul gas, greatly leaking, Jack decided to light up a match, to go gas leak seeking, Jack lit up t...

Pam tapped her black, shiny keyboard, as she typed tippy tap, Pam sucked down a cola soda, as her earbuds boomed rap, Pam worked in a law ...

I like to share all of my good and bad reviews and news, Like, how fat I am getting, and how long I did snooze, Today, while I let some fish...

I bought me an old country farm to raise me free roaming sheep, Roaming sheep are so very pretty, and quite easy to keep, Here is the real d...

I raised four generations of corn, A fifth is yet unborn, At the first sign of day, My corn will pop through the clay, Then the city crop wi...

Little Wiggins the pig was not very smart, He borrowed lots of money to buy a go-cart, Little Wiggins didn't work, So, like a real je...

The universe appears eternal, from dawn, to dawn, to dawn, to dawn, But, when the universe disappears, its life will be a tiny yawn, So head...

There once was a small bug that lived in a tuna tin, He had a hard shell, and not one bit of living skin, He stayed clear of the mice, Ignor...

I was planning on using my cash earned from potatoes, To fund my winter trip, to the Marvelous Barbados, Of course, my potatoes this year,...

I went into my parlor to hum a few nifty tunes, I can hum just like an angel, after watching cartoons, I hummed some Mozart and Bach, A litt...

I looked down from a bridge, and saw a huge dinosaur, He was fighting a grizzly; it was an animal war, The big grisly got on top, Gave old d...

There once was a dizzy dog that went "gur", His " gur" got under the other dogs fur, More times than just the once, They...

From an alien world the entity came, It crawled up Ed's nose to feed, oh shame, Then, from this alien scorn, Many babies were born, ...

I bought four used tires for my Chevy pickup truck, My neighbor had a nail gun, so I was out of luck, The neighbor punctured each tire, Set ...

I went to the market and bought me some trout, I didn't cook it enough and had a belly-ache bout, I will never, ever eat fish, Even, ...

I built a cabin in a swamp, So, I'd have a place to romp, I love all the snakes and the bugs, With them it's kisses and hugs, Bu...

The last boy to sell bananas, sold them on the main city street, He made money selling bananas, because they are good to eat, He stole them ...

I once  knew a great big giant, and his name was Marvelous Mel, He got all his stew meat from the peasants, he caught down in the dell, He g...

Gregg used a vacuum to clean out his ears,   It sucked out his brains and brought his eyes to tears, Now, just a zombie remains, As Gregg...

Amadeus the skunk left his scent in the air, Everyone disliked it but he seemed not to care, One day while all alone, Amadeus began to mo...

There once was a dragon with the littlest hand,    He wanted absolute rule over all the land, But along came a knightess, Who just did what ...

A trumpet carillon played all through the night, They kept me awake which started a fight, But their brass horns hit true, Making me all ...

I went to Portugal to buy some stringy cheese, While I was there, I bought honey made by some bees, I ate some cooked, ground pork, Drank wi...

I had to kiss my cute turtle goodbye, After I found out that he could not fly, I tied him to a kite, Told him to hang on tight, But, he bit ...

I stored away my trumpet, for the last thirteen odd years, I got it out to play, but it just made noise to my ears, My lips are all soft blu...

Two turtles lived in a two turtle tent, In a primeval forest where a tent was low rent, Then, along came a snake, Who made a delicious...

Sammy was a dental hygienist, who practiced poor hygiene, And Sammy's  jaw was so soar, it made Sammy real, real mean, On your teeth, Sa...