LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I went to the beach for sunbathing, but I started to cry, We were having a big, beach snowstorm on the Fourth Of July, I had an expensive su...

A dozen bedbugs, made a race from my feet up into my ears, Once the bedbugs finished their race, they celebrated with cold beers, They setup...

My spacesuit, suffered a deep, very long tare, I was saved by my self-patching, underwear, While walking in space,  In just such a case, Saf...

I dreamed I was a employed, as a soda jerk, Way back in the 1950's, when there was such work, I'd be a one man team, Who sold real c...

I always knew, that the intelligence of my math teacher, was not real, Teacher waddles all around the class, and barks and smells, like an o...

Two little mink ran around the lake, eating dead fish that washed up on the shore, The little mink ran into a bobcat, then the two little mi...

I did not notice his mass food intake, At my deceased ma's memorial wake, He ate it all, My Uncle Paul, The pie, the doughnuts and the c...

My pet goldfish Larry, only has one big fin, He swims real funny, when he surfaces for din, His bowl sits on the floor, Right behind the fro...

I had eighty pages left to read, in my chemistry book, My dear, precious eyesight, I am afraid, that boring book took, If my sight does not ...

My family, all died on me, and left me completely alone, They all got cremated, and I was left with just their ash and bone, I took them dow...

I walked to the other side of the lake, and a lion was there, He started eyeing me real good, as did his buddy, the big bear, I took my walk...

I have through my experience decided, I live in a deep, black hole, No real dates, and my singularity, has crushed the life out of my soul, ...

Because Big Frank's language was  horribly, despised, Frank  got his number one channel, demonetized, Frank should have been nice, More ...

Stark is my garden landscape, full of tumbleweed, that were dill, I almost had a seizure, but I took ax extra strong, calm down, pill, I rot...

I put some raisins in my shoes, to combat all the heat, When my honey kisses my toes, my toes, they'll taste real sweet, To continue a s...

Many people say, I'm a pretty bird, with a big, beautiful bill, Someone stole a blue feather, because they had ink, but needed a quill, ...

My small family of four, was running out of precious food to eat, All we had left was a can of herring, and a jar of pigs feet, We checked w...

Last night, I left my clothes on the bedroom floor, and they loaded up with bugs, This morning, I spread the bugs to the family, when I gave...

I went out, and bought my very first EV, car, I did not get to drive it, very gosh darn far, I tried going fast, The fast, did not last, The...

There was a crazy, ragged, old lady, who lived with a red tennis shoe, That is all the old lady had left, of her fourth husband, named Lou, ...

I followed a slimy, yellow trail, along a sandy, lake beach, Could this, become a fable story, that generations could teach? Just as I becam...

My parents were  broke, and decided to make a man out of me, So, they sold off my belongings, and shipped me out to The Dread Sea, I was out...

I traveled far to reach Michigan, I am a robin red breast, I desperately need to find a mate; I really need to nest, I'll soon be full o...

They enter unseen, into my small, dark dump, to die, I am talking about the vicious, common house fly, I let fly paper hang, My fly zapper, ...

It was the first day of a long, hot summer, and my true love said to me, "I'm going to live with your cousin David, because his cri...

I spent extra time at the office, but I did not get any extra pay, I was told to spend extra time at the office, or I'd be fired, next d...

I was halfway to Mars, when I ran out of space gas, I don't have a way to slow down, so Mars, I will pass, I'll fly to uncharted zon...

My sad seahorse was doing an unhappy mope, So, I untethered him from his constraining rope, He quick, ran away, He'll come back one day,...

There was a big, silly gopher, named Terry, He could not pass any red, ripe strawberry, Terry would take a bite, Which gave Terry delight, B...

I have a thriving business, that sucks out your stinky, septic tank, The sewage is for me, an investment in my money market, bank, One day, ...

I got a big, thick letter, and it was hard stamped, as postage due, Sent to me by senile grandma, who lives in Kalamazoo, A twenty-five doll...

When AI takes over the entire, vast, financial world, I will be alright, because of all the money that I've squirreled, I've got a l...

A Venus man came down from his hovering space craft, in the sky, He told me he had chewy candies, and a spaceship I could fly, I went to his...

My mother was a desktop computer, from old Maine, My dad was a hospital catheter, from Tulane, They did not make a fuss, They got together o...

My friend, had a big, pretty yellow, sailboat, It was pretty new, because it still could float, We sailed one day, Up to Saginaw Bay, That...

A dragon walked into the Sand Beach Summer Park, He chewed on the visitors, until it got dark, As the last person got chewed, The dragon did...

When my buddy has been eating tuna, he has a tell, His breath has a nasty, pungent type of exhaust, to smell, My buddy's breath makes ey...

Bobby's big, molar tooth, decayed away, Lasts little bits spit out, one summer day, He'll get one more, At the dental store, It'...

I fried up some fresh picked mushrooms, with onions, in bacon grease, All knew, if they ate a few rooms, their psyche would be at peace, The...

I would be happy, eating many more good meals, But, my older brother, he sees food, then he steals, I store food in plastic bags, Then slap ...

It was mid-July, and the horizon star drowned, and bugs came out to deep bite, They started biting my toes, and ended in my hair; that is my...

Today, I lived through my 5th birthday, and no one brought me a cake, No one brought me chicken, either to fry, or toast, or oven bake, Can...

I gathered up my jumpy dog, and locked down my crumbling hovel, We walked down to the sandy beach, with my toy plastic pail and shovel, Buil...

I was going to a parade, then it started to rain, I did not want to experience a lightning strike, pain, Through the window, I watched the r...

My little tame rat, named Alger, was always chewing flowers, The flowers,were non-lethal, but they made him poop for hours, Then, 3 times ev...

I taught my entire coup of chickens, to poop on the peonies, Poop is a great fertilizer, and the resulting flowers, do please, Peonies cover...

All of the kitty cat lips, were all tongue licken,  In the garbage, there was the skin of a chicken, The wicked aroma that smelled, All kitt...

Jim the organ grinder, made tunes from his organ grinding pipes,  He sold bananas on the street corner, two different types, His noise broug...

Down In a dark tunnel, I found the crypt of the ancient kings, I went into the dank, musky crypt, to steal their precious, things, Clothes w...

All my pretty feet, are turning a real dark green, Maybe there's a problem, with my flip, flopping spleen, Is green a sign of foot woe? ...

Friday The Thirteenth, is every time,  such a big hassle, Everyone is fear filled, so they hold down in their castle, But, the creature with...

Back when I was just a simple, lounging, otter, Life was great, eating fish, and swimming water, Then along comes this witch, And, her nose ...

I cannot call it social media, because I get blocked all the time, How can I be real social, when each thing I say, is an internet crime, I ...

I went into the city, to stir up some bad, trouble, That is when I ran into my exact, copy, double,  We were right away, mates, All aligned ...

There was an ancient, slow train that did not like to go fast, It had a steam engine built in some century, long past, The coal fuel caused ...

There were spider mites on his roses, and ants in his peonies, There were squirming worms in his cabbage, and his cat and dog had fleas, And...

It's disgusting, I live with an eater of crayons, and paste, I told ma, but she cared more about her stair stepper, and waist, I know I ...

I kept my small, green pet guppy, in a wide mouth mason jar, Not much room to swim sideways, but he could swim up really far, One day, my gu...

When I was young, I played video games, until I was sixty-seven, My heart stopped, and I departed off to play, video games in heaven, I was ...

My buddy rented a little house, that had a small loft, for sleeping, He said the bed was soft, and the little house, needed no up keeping, B...