LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I was so darn hungry, I started eating fresh, fallen snow, I flavored it with weed seeds, that didn't cause me poisoning, woe, I flavore...

I cannot afford eggs, but I got some egg shells for free, They fell from a nest, underneath my weeping willow tree, The egg shells were baby...

I drove down to the grocery store, and walked through it twice, Everything was too high priced, even the beans and rice, I thought at least ...

My skill in writing papers is very ugly, a catastrophe, bad My graded papers come back, with an emoji face that's eye bawling, sad, I bo...

There's a crawlspace underneath the old, stone barn, Something bad lives there, and if it gets you, Darn! It has sharp, smelly claws, Bi...

I lost another crappie fish, off my hook, It was a sneaky fish, and my worm he took, My rusty, old hook, ain't very sharp, Because I use...

There was a double headed eagle, that use to sit in my apple tree, The eagle use to eat the apples, but the apple tree died, recently, The t...

Murray ate everything, because he was a goat, That is how Murray got a fur ball, stuck in his throat, Murray had eaten a straw hat, The hat ...

Every time I catch a trout, it is too dinky, so I throw it back, I want to catch a large keeper, so I can give its head a big rock whack, My...

My  bestest friend Elysium, went to take a withdrawal from their bank, Elysium lost all of their money, because the bank was in the tank, Th...

I saw Leonardo da Vinci sitting in my dead, apple tree, He was painting an unflattering oily portrait of little me, I told him his painting ...

Although they're easy to catch protein, do not eat too many rats, They will give you big gas bubbles, and their meats are full of bad fa...

I was going to bake my kid a nice birthday cake, But the supermarket had no eggs, for me to take, I subs some baking soda, It choked my kid ...

I invested heavily in hot stocks, I also bought some gold and silver rocks, I fretted my brain away, Until the end of the day, Always lookin...

I went hunting real dinosaurs, but I did not see a one, You can only hunt them using a dinosaur, blowdart gun, You have to hit them in the h...

I am so stuck on this planet, earth, Been stuck here since my mother gave birth, It is:  on earth born, on earth bury, Yet, I feel interplan...

I got an online notice from my king, Seems I've been saying the wrong kind of thing, He said I'd better speak nice, I should heed hi...

I am a little orange beetle, climbing up a sandy hill, I am crunching on some little seeds; can't seem to get my fill, Once at the top, ...

I had a gigantic, stuffed panda bear, named Sammy, He married my cute, stuffed koala bear, named Tammy, They had an alpha cub, His name was ...

Trina went to Canada, to buy herself some maple candy, Trina bought a Canada cap, for her dear, big sister, Sandy, Trina flew across the Mer...

Phoenix is a great big pit bull, and he likes his navy beans, I mix in a little meat, and about 1/2 cup of greens, Phoenix sleeps in my kid...

My Uncle Lee has been acting very weirdo, strange, Ever since Uncle got that slight case of doggy mange, He also caught a pox,  While confin...

The economy is in the sewer, not the gutter, I sold all my golf clubs, including my office putter, To have rent that's nearly free, I mo...

I love my plastic, indoor palm tree plant, I inherited it fro!m my dearest, sweet aunt, It does not mind, colder or hotter, It can stand the...

Because of severe economic, downturn inflation, My family's food stores are all gone like a castration, Gone are foods in cans and the j...

My brother was truly, a philistine, so he liked to sleep outside, He moved into the old chicken coup, with the chickens he could confide, He...

I slept on the floor, and got bit by a gigantic rat, I'm sure it's the same one that ate my sweetie, kitty cat, My ex is so dog, gon...

My favorite, little, straight flute, got pinched today, Someone evil grabbed it, and ran quickly away, It has a silver shine, Smells like me...

I celebrated my birthday, but did not get a baked, cake treat, The only present that I got, was some potion for my sore feet, I rubbed on th...

My electricity is not steady, like before, The lights flicker, and flutter, then they shine, never more, I paid my complete bill, But, the e...

My life insurance salesman was clearly, very dead, He showed up to my appointment, without any head, I offered him coffee or tea, He just ha...

Prices are going high, high, high as my small wages go low, low, low, Things are looking dire, the kids want groceries, but I have no doe, I...

My doctor told me I was a werewolf, and there is nothing he can do, Forever, I'll be howling at the moon, whenever it is full or new, I ...

Each one of my web sites is considered juvenile, click bait, That's what the latest AI incarnation, told my 1st Mate, My titles are ...

Today, old Dixie died of a heart attack, within her mobile home, She forever sleeps in oblivion, and her mind don't have to roam, Dixie ...

My seven roommates and I got a surprise room inspection, today, We live in public, university housing, so we must obey, They found our bean,...

Gordon has a big cardboard box, Where he  keeps his little pet fox, The fox has disease, That spreads when he pees, Gordon came down with a ...

I wanted to have daily, fresh eggs for family treats, I went to the pet store, and  bought a pair of parakeets, The two birds, I did beg, Di...

I finally got me some paying work, I'm head cook at a restaurant called, Jerk, We serve only jerky, In our sauce called, murky, We serve...

I got cracked off on my coffee, because it was way too strong and hot, It was the kind of drink, that if you are stuffed up, it will make yo...

A two faced creature was lurking outside my door, in the hall, It was a double, ugly monster; he was 15 feet tall, It broke down my hard, st...

At lunch, I ate my chicken in a hurry, That is why I splashed on way too much curry, I drank six beers,  Shed sixty tears, Then it was strai...

A caliginous fog hung over the big, lake bay, That made my small bobber fishing, difficult today, I fretted with brain wonder, Had my bobber...

I am a tumbleweed, and I went tumbling today, The wind pushed me along, faster than seeds, or dry hay, I tumbled past some fence wire,  Into...

The door fell off my small apartment, and the cold air from the hall flooded in, I put plastic over the doorway; it's the closest I can ...

What should I do, on a boring, old Saturday night? I could watch outside to see if the two tommys fight, They have the love smittens, Each w...

When I put clothes in my brand new, washing machine, Not matter the detergent, my clothes come out green, The temperature of the water Doesn...

When I get real sleepy, I lie down on the soft, carpet floor, Hoping I don't get hit in the head, when someone opens the door, My brothe...

You know your economy is in a full retreat, When both your grandmas start looking, really good to eat, I am never complaining, Weight loss i...

Everyone has caught the flue, Even the little birdies, too, No one knows what to do, Who should we chose to sue, Resting in bed, it's tr...

It's Valentines Day, and no one got me roses, It is cold, and all I got was frozen toeses, I walked to the store, Got cold to the core, ...

I always go for ice cream cones to the Mancelona Mall, They pile chocolate ice cream high, at least half a foot tall, They dab on some pinki...

The chicken wings are in the deep freezer; the pails of beer are in the fridge, Grandpa is an old geezer, but he can't keep up drinking ...

My valentine always expects a nice, fancy thing, Like a thick, golden bracelet, or fancy, gemstone ring, This year I built a nice scrapbook,...

I have no money, no credit to dine my valentine,  They said, "get lost loser", so I'm not feeling fine, I went to the theatre ...

My socks were making my toes itch and scratch, So I put the socks in the laundry batch, I did not use soap, Or any of that dope, I did spill...

My online heating statement is ready, but my bank account is closed, Each way I look at it, my monthly finances are totally hosed, To buy my...

My pet camel bit me, so I sold him to the zoo, After that horrific attack, what else would you do?  I named him Uncle Terry,! He likes sniff...

There is a neighbor dog, named Kyle, He always sleeps quite a while, He eats his meal, Does his toilet deal, Today, I stepped in his pile.

I'm trying to move the Overton Window, so people will like my new cheese, I make it out of unpasteurized cow milk, then give it a bigly,...