LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

You know, all of my friends are make believe, We're getting together, on New Year's Eve, We'll all walk to the pub, Drink a beer...

I'm not well educated, because I only went to school one year, Somewhere between 1st grade and kindergarten, my learning took a veer, Ye...

I'm a big, old fire-breathing dragon, who lives up on the hill, I scare those pesky pilgrims, who sneak up upon me, for their thrill, I ...

I got in the car, and drove up north to the potato bake, Nana and gramps roasted spuds in a fire, down by the lake, The spuds were wrapped i...

I found two big cardboard boxes, and built a brand new home, I'll no longer remain on the streets, and endlessly roam, I felt an incredi...

I told my Sarge, I couldn't run another mile, I told him that running was just not my style, Well, oh darn, and oh shoot, The army gave ...

I went into my life's work, and began working, I live retail, so my life is checkout clerking, Customer #4, I threw out the store door, ...

I use to do cartwheels, when I was a kid, I once did them on ice, and down the hill slid, I slid into the road, Found a fresh, frozen toad, ...

I told my boss, I was living in a simulation, To heal and get real, I needed a nice long vacation, He gave neither a laugh, nor smile, Told ...

I bought crypto-currency, and I got a surprise, I had laser beams, flying out of my beady eyes, I eye laser some nice pork, Drank red wine t...

I had 12 cans of ginger beer pop, I was drinking ginger beer, non-stop, I passed out in my sleigh, They found me next day, My ulcer gave my ...

The auto grammar fixes, and spelling checkers of sentences and words, Make my writings completely abysmal, for the fixes come out as turds, ...

I went gaming online, and lost a bundle of cash, I moved in with my brother, and he's what you'd call, trash, I sold my yacht, car a...

I went out to Little Twin Lake, to find me a sabre tooth weasel. I wanted to paint his picture on a canvass, held by an easel. Found the wea...

I once had two large facial organs, some call ears, I lost them fishing out on the crowded, bay piers, For an entire day, Fish hooks flew ro...

I went to Canada to buy a green curtain, for my bathroom shower, A Canadian shower curtain, shows I have a real super power, For I fill a gr...

My silly pussy cat was really poky and slow, It took him 8 hours to find his litter box and go, Then he would fall asleep, On his litter box...

I'm a reformed, great powers witch, but a back slider, Because I turned a fly into a big, black spider, The evil deed was all done, My w...

I am told I have extremely "bad rizz", My personality, has done a fizz, How does rizz grow? If it grow, will I know? I want my pop...

I spent my Christmas morning, hand feeding red apples to the deer, I petted every single deer, showing them they need not fear, My next door...

I drank some bubble bath, and it did not taste like wine, It made me so sick, I felt too ill to dinner dine, Pa gave me a corporal spanking,...

I got polar vortexed, and it really didn't feel, very good, I used all my tanked propane, and burned every stick of wood, It froze hairs...

All of my kids demanded a real, live pony for Christmas, this year, Ponies have become way too pricey, so I bought a nice, sweet reindeer, I...

There was a little Christmas beetle, that climbed down from my Christmas tree, The Christmas beetle was so cute and cuddly, that I just let ...

Mommy made Santa fine pork chops, for the Eve before Christmas day, I thought fat Santa didn't need pork chops, so I stole them all away...

For Christmas, I bought nanna,🍷 the biggest, most savage, green beast, It eats only un-alive meat, and ancient, full dead, wine yeast, The ...

Benny had a horrible, throbbing, green boil, He got rid of it with a can of snake oil, Benny made worldwide, billions, Selling snake oils to...

I had a hound dog, my pa named him Clyde, Clyde took off running from the farm, to hide, Clyde tangled with Moose, Our goose that got loose,...

Santa isn't using reindeer to pull his sleigh, this year, Instead, he's hired unicorns, they're cheap, they'll work for beer...

I had beautiful ivy plants, growing by my old barn,  I found my Ivy plants dead, one day, and I said, "oh, darn",   Two groundhogs...

The only gift I got Christmas day, was a pine tree full of bugs, When I brought my tree inside, the bugs thawed and fell onto my rugs, Oh, C...

I only get it once a year, The winter solstice, lets be clear, It's a cold night, Warm clothes are tight, Then at midnight, we raise a b...

He-man Herman's nose was fat, red and full of gray stuffy, Around his little eyeballs, it was dank, dark and puffy, When Herman blew his...

I invested $15.00 in crypto this morning, by noon,  I was a millionaire, Mama told me I was crazy, and of crypto money, I had better beware,...

I went to the snow filled forest, Primeval, today, To cut down some trees, to heat my cabin until May, Used a sleigh, pulled by dogs, To bri...

I went to Mancelona just to see where it is at, The only thing I found there was a female, cougar cat, The cougar decided to eat, I had blub...

In Michigan, we have in the winter, what we call, snow bees, They hibernate in summer, and in winter make ice honeys, The public wallet is t...

My small, quiet home was attacked by aerial drones today, I believe the drone soldiers came from somewhere far, far away, So many drones did...

My special Christmas Winter Chili, did not turn out so well, I subed snowballs for meatballs, but where the balls went, I can't tell, Th...

When the lake dam burst, my log cabin took a rigorous swim, Along with my sports card collection, and my pet spider, Jim, The log cabin fell...

There was a mystery drone that landed on my trailer house, The drone crushed in the roof a bit, and caused an "eek!", from a mouse...

Ben climbed up to the top of a mountain, to look down on the city, Ben was excited to watch off-world drones, attack without pity, Where tho...

I made out all my Christmas cards, but I could not find my address book, I thought of where it could be, but it wasn't there when I took...

My lunar lander fell to the moon, and had a big, total crash, I didn't pay attention, I was ear mellowing, to Johnny Cash, On an alien w...

I was raising expensive little corals in my guppy, fishy tank,  I wanted to sell corals for money, and put the money in the bank,    But, th...

My fish tank was so full of guppies, they flopped onto the floor, They'd dry and my kitty would eat them, then looked around for more, T...

My newest, best friend, Giggles Farley,  Many claimed, he liked to make parlay, But, he wouldn't speak, Wouldn't open his beak, He m...

Dolph, the sleigh bell, Santa reindeer, had a big, shiny tail, You could see him flying through snowstorms, and rainstorms with hail, On coc...

I bought a giant pet tiger, and I fed him noodles and cake, Yet, somehow he just was not happy, and one day he did awake, He ate my guppies,...

I decorated with lights, that make twinkles I made sugar cookies, and added sprinkles, I hung up my longest, clean stocking, Put Teddy in th...

I admired my great tree all covered with snow, Then, the darn wind began to blow, And there was a great crashing sound, As the tree hit...

There were three ships come sinking; they were sinking on Christmas Day, There were three ships come sinking, pulled down by monsters in the...

I ran into my Uncle Karl, who lives down in the del, By the size of his stomach, I knew that Karl wintered well, Taters and fried cakes, Is ...

My trailer park is being overrun by flying drones, The flying drones interfere with our functioning cell phones, Our TVs have gone hush, Our...

I just took a look at my stacks of bills, I kind of got the sad, Willy, weird, chills, To feed my sweet, cute face, I overspent, disgrace, I...

In my public hanging, I was gallows, displayed, Fortuitous, I had a knife with a sharp blade, With death, I could not coupe, So, I cut my ne...

I had lots of dirty dishes to do, and I locked in, There were so many dishes, it could have been a great win, With all the dishes laid about...

The piccolo player only played with one hand, He would make awful sounds, when he played in our band, He had the tears of the sad, When we a...

I moved to Clare Michigan, to be a cutter of hair, Things were going very well, until in walks a Clare bear, I cut some hair off the top, Th...

What happened to the animals in the zoo? When they closed the old zoo, some animals flew, Other animals, it's said, Became a stew, for d...