LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Psychic Mystic Merkel tells the true About the future of me and you, Your mom and dad,  They hate me bad, If we breakup, it'll be a booh...

I had a watermelon, and I cut the melon into three, One piece for my dog Lindsey, and the other two pieces, for me, Then I ate a spiral ham,...

I spied a bearded iris in a sea of white snow, I couldn't imagine what made that lovely iris grow, The cold made me sneeze, hack and cou...

Today I found a wrinkled carrot, sealed tight in a glass mason jar, It got really dry and spongy, sitting in the backseat of my car, Where d...

I went tenting, but I lost my warm cozy tent, A tornado grabbed it, then back home it was sent, Black rain clouds became my ceiling, Electri...

Young Jim Flip Joy LaRoy, Loved his new airplane toy, He took it to school, Kids broke it, so cruel, Jim had tears to deploy.

I walked into the butcher shop, and found a dire werewolf, lurking the store, He had eaten all the butchers and clerks, and the old guy who ...

Because I leave my accounts, so unattended, On most social media, I've been unfriended, I deleted all the posts, My fans hate the most, ...

My pacemaker picked up the heart pace, So I stayed part of the human race, I could no longer eat, Tasty, fatty, salt meat, And that was a bo...

Jimmy was invaded by cooties; they ran up his big nose, Some cooties dripped out in ice-snot, when the temperatures froze, Jimmy said a litt...

All the little humans they learn, learn, learn, That makes their little brain cells churn, churn, churn, Then they work for others who are s...

My awful in-laws have eaten all the worms in my pail, I needed the worms to go fishing, to catch me a whale, It just is not funny, Those wor...

I just picked a little tiny, brown nut, From a tree growing over my shack-hut, Oh, Glory bee, The nut was free, The excitement ended my dail...

My pot of stew fell off the counter, and spread all sloppy across the floor, Then an invading army of cockroaches, came in under the front d...

I knew this guy named Caesar, and he YouTubed making pizza pie, I joined him for a joint collab; my food was a greasy French fry, The pizza ...

I felt great pity for the salmon I caught from the sea, I cried when his sad eyes were begging to send him home, free, I scraped off his sca...

The stew I ate was full of stones and dirt, The stew caused me a real awful, bad hurt, I cracked a dear tooth, I had since my youth, And bro...

Darren had a hackey sack, that he kicked around all day, Then along came Jimmy, who kicked the hackey sack away, Because of Jimmy's bad,...

The big, bad dragon really screamed, the big, bad dragon really roared, After Sammy bled it dry, with a little, pretend sword, Then Sammy go...

My Canadian cousins came to visit, and I think they ate my cats, They are two freckled, 8 year old, red haired girls, and also little brats,...

The great Ann Arbor Dragon turned himself into stone, For he ate sixty tons of pure, crunchy human bone, What's acceptable to eat, Is on...

The vegetable farm held a turnip contest, once per day, The heaviest one got a ribbon, and put out on display, The very heaviest ones, Were ...

Some people push a theory that the universe is made of strings, I completely disagree, the verse is made of just pretty things, It's mad...

Someone ate my pet mosquito, I think it was my frog named Tito, My snake, Mr. Sam Nickels, Ate my rat, Maurice Pickles, I guess everyone is ...

Dragons will eat nothing but fatty, red meat, Their fat clogged arteries won't let their hearts beat,  The dragons are always joking, Th...

I had a pet beetle, but he ran quickly away He was caught and eaten by an old frazzled blue jay, At the end of his beak, The blue jay had a ...

The little tweeter was on the nightly news, He was famous for tweeting his memes and muse, Open eyes I couldn't keep, I fell deep down i...

I chose 13 winners for my lethal tether ball team We were gonna be the greatest of champs, so it did seem, We knocked competition to the flo...

My universe collapsed down on my head, It was my dog coup; I knew I was dead, I was in doggy heaven, With my bestie hound, Kevin, And my ene...

The parakeets in the pet shop, planed on making  a daring, cage break, When the clerk opened the cage to feed them, a chunk of flesh they wo...

I needed a deck of plain playing cards, So I went shopping in peoples front yards, I found a deck, not new, Missing cards, quite a few, I bo...

I went to vote on this sunny day, I could vote what I wanted to say, The parking was real tight, I got into a fight, I went to jail, and tha...

When the tuna and mayonnaise spoil, And you have nothing to feed the highness, the royal, Grab a cup of toothpaste, Mix in cough drops to ta...

I invested in sugar markets, because I got a sweet deal, I bought sugar futures, because they have that upper classy feel, I could prance as...

I was a little red raspberry, a raspberry I was, I started getting somewhat rotten, and grew a little fuzz, Someone wanted me for sup, So th...

Fred decided to buy a  new shinny horn, cornet, Fred went to Hornhub, they are found on the internet, Fred picked out one that shined, His c...

I kept a couple of zombies in my basement, for fun, I fed them orange Jello, and pickled pigs feet on a bun, They ate my wife, a librarian, ...

I'm eating the beagles, I'm eating the frogs,  I'm eating the things that crawl under logs, I ate the goldfish, The kids named i...

My body was made in April, and my big brain was made in May, I am an AI coffee pot, and a coffee pot I will stay, I wanted to be a regular b...

I took my canary into the coal mine, but he did not do too well, My canary started teetering on one foot, then off his perch he fell, A bad ...

When I stepped upon the big, growing weed, called dill, It was growing up on a sand and rocky hill, It stood in the hot sun, It was the only...

Junior Otto has a little old jeep, Up the hill it will very, slowly creep, A couple of takes, The jeep has no brakes, Going downhill, Junior...

This bold man, he had a son, He had two, but away the other run, With a big black Cadillac, decked out in golden chrome, This bold man, from...

I have limitations and those limitations are quite vast, Most come from my great ignorance, cultivated in my past, Captive in love of cutie ...

My orchestral instrument is the tin spoon, The guy sitting next chair, blows a wood bassoon, When spoon hits bassoon wood, The sound is most...

I fell in love with a new sweetie, We met while online going tweety, We tweeted like birds, With love-dovey words, Perhaps real soon we will...

My swollen eyeballs popped out of my head, They were ate by my hound doggy, named Fred, Fred's mouth gave out a loud burp, His backside ...

Otto bought a brand new car, but it wasn't nearly big enough, When Otto went to the grocery store, he didn't have room for stuff, He...

I felt rich when I found in my wallet, a dollar, I felt smart when I read me a book, a scholar, I still felt so defeated, When everyone twee...

My boss kicked me hard, down the unemployment path, Because my employer required I do math, But not too long out the door, I got work moping...

Gary the dentist and Gary the house fly, Roomed together in a townhouse in the sky, Once Dr. Gary copped a tude, So flying Gary got rude, He...

I dug up some tree roots to make some root beer, It didn't taste too good, and my belly felt queer, I got foam on my clothes, When it ra...

My neighbors were setting off holiday crackers, The crackers sounded like cannon blast attackers, One hit my shingled, tar roof, Caused a fi...

There is a very young dragon, his name is Mickey, Mickey will snot on his victims and that is icky, He don't breath fire, Friends are hi...

Mabel the cook, makes baked, delicious, pork beans She feeds them to her four kids, the in-be-tweens, Hubby will eat pie, The beans he won...

I went to the dead critter store, and bought me fresh ground beef, I took it home to my young'uns for their famine relief, But the kids ...

A griz set a bear trap in front of my front door, When J stepped into the bear trap, my foot got sore, I yelled really loud, Didn't attr...

Mabel is an influencer, but she can only influence pie, She'll influence the crust to be flaky, but then it is way too dry, Mabel got a ...

The green leaves are all dying to brown, the skies are gray, The summer has passed, and for those fine times we will pay, In this technical ...

I'm A little baby hermit, and I'm an adventurous cuss, I'm only six months old, but every morning I take a bus, I head to a down...