LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Big, bad Donny was bed rotting for days and days, He only left bed to do potty or to graze, Donny drank soda sip, sip, sip, Then on the pott...

I went to the to The Two Bird Bar, Somebody keyed my new sporty car, When I came outside, I cried and I cried, The mean patrons went hardy, ...

I went way downtown, and got me a pretty kitty cat, Kitty cats are very popular, some would say they're brat, At the kitty store, I boug...

I just got home, and I put on water for stew, I put on some coffee, and I'm making that new, I do not have any meat, Or vegetables to ea...

At summer camp, little Timmy, completely wet his bed, Urine dripped down upon his lower bunk mate, big bad Ned, Ned got an unwanted surprise...

I got peppered sprayed, directly in my pretty eye, I was taken to the jail, and no one told me why, Not so much to eat, Mouse turds are a tr...

They said I should act more like a human bean, I thought that comment was very crass and mean, At any party, Beans make one farty, Then futu...

Because my house had loads of mice and rats, I decided to get myself some cats, They ate the mice today, Frightened the rats away, To deal w...

As I turned my old pickup down my home-sweet-home road, Noticed a contractor was tearing down my abode, I phone called a cop, Said please ma...

There was a small, skinny carp that lived in my front yard ditch, He swam around in the muck all day, and I named him Mitch, I saw kids with...

I live in Michigan, we have zillions of bugs They eat into your eyeballs, you share them, with hugs, Bugs poop on your pans and dishes, They...

I think my million dollar ship has come in, It is full of foreign, imported, sheet tin, I use to import lab mice, But they gave me bad lice,...

During summer heat, my air conditioner died, It ran so very long, it caught fire and fried, I thought it would be nice, If I made frozen ice...

In the latest, late of dark night, From an earwig, I got a bite, The evil dear, Was in my ear, I slapped my ear, with all my might.

My lettuce was all covered with nasty, slimy slugs, My tomatoes were hollowed by chewing beetle bogs,  My pickles in the weeds, The birds pi...

Today, I had been feeling sort of low, So I went to a downtown, magic show, Out of a top hat, Was pulled a big rat, The rat shouted out that...

I hit a baseball with a ball bat, The ball flew into space like a sat, For a minute that night, I watched my satellite, It burned up in the ...

I shot a squirrel that was up in a tree, I will eat squirrel meat, when I have my tea, You know what's what's, I found his nuts, I w...

Jim wished that he could consume some beef Beef and cola, for his hunger grief, Holy Mola,  Beef and cola, And constipation pills for relief...

I found a grotesque, giant, slimy slug, Crawling across my nice clean, new, white rug, I think it a bad crime, For a slug to spread slime, F...

I like going to the health club; the hot tub is for me, I have often wondered, if in the hot tub people pee, I asked my friend, the chemistr...

I am a sea captain, and I sailed on the sea, My darn ship hit a rock, and sank down, beneath me, That left me in the water, I swam like a se...

I am a little blogger, but I think that my blogging is done, I published over a million blogs, and no one has read a one. I know my blogs mi...

I danced through a canyon, toward a little city, That is where I stopped, where I decided to be, I had a cafe made lunch, Two fruit biscuits...

I cannot sing one single, real high note, That Amadeus Mozart ever wrote, My voice is just too horse, High notes hurt, of course, So, I play...

I made paths through an acre of woods, So I could stroll with friends from my hoods, But, no one came near, Because they said they could hea...

This morning for breakfast, I was served toast, bacon and eggs, I noticed in my eggs two sets of tiny chicken legs, The sight made me so ver...

The famous Jimmy Thirty-five Toes, had a baby girl, The kid had thirty seven toes, and her hair was all curl, She had a mom with three legs,...

My little airplane took a nosedive, I thought soon, I would not be alive, Then right below me, did appear, A truck full of new, bottled beer...

I had some cute, pet honey bees, They lived up in my apple trees, No one really knows, How my bees got froze, They were found kneeling on th...

Jimmy fell off the roof and broke all of his nice toes, Jimmy cut each one of them off, now new ones he grows, It is especially neat, He gro...

On Doctor Who, it was very iconic, So I bought a screwdriver that was sonic, I broke it early today, Making a pot from some clay, Now I feel...

I live in a universe that has a verse that's parallel, In one verse my clothes smell clean, in another they stinky smell, My clothes in ...

My poor little pet mosquito, named Ron, He got squished flat, and became living, non, His new mosquito ghost, Found another live host, In th...

Cute little lad, Herbie, Wore a big derby, Hung his stylish hat, On his baseball bat, When he was spooning with Mrs. Zerbie.

I went out on Lake Michigan and got bit by a shark, I did not feel any pain, then it suddenly went dark, I woke up in the sharks belly, Bein...

Donny was brain dead so long that his brain had putrefied, No one dared to tell Donny, that his mind had up and died, Donny went on year aft...

On this very nice day, I went out cherry picking, I found all the cherries, bugs were buggy tongue licking, That made me feel sick, I went h...

Jimmy let out a snore, Billy slammed the backdoor, Jimmy jumped up, Spilled his big cup, Leaving coffee all over the floor.

Beautiful Barry had a nice little scam, When Barry cheated someone, he'd yell "Bam, Bam!" Big fake nuggets of gold, Was the sc...

I'm afraid I can afford only toast,😒 To feed guests at my birthday pig roast,🎂🍖 I know toast is not in fashion,👚👠🛍👔👗👖👛👜👟...

My bird feeder went away, When the tornado came today Away went my little shack, And my LPs, the whole stack, No more can I rest my head, Wh...

A sparkler got caught in my hair, It burned until my head was all bare, I went home, ate some soup, Then sat out on my stoop, I was upset, a...

The rockets were red glaring, And my kitty got a scarring, The booms shook my shack, It collapsed, I want it back, I'd have to say the f...

Someone launched some flying, rocket fireworks, and holy...well, They flew threw my open window, and made a real nasty smell, Then came a fa...

I can't go to the store, oh squat! I need a pork roast for my pot, Plague laws keep me here, Where fresh meat is become dear, An...

My boots are all covered with wet mud, Walked into the house; got called a crud, I have no real common sense, But I took a big offence, I le...

Alien worms have burrowed into Jim's brain, They control him with both pleasure and pain, And, sometimes out of Jim's snout, Some...

Zodie had a temper, she'd get mad and start crushing bugs, Sister Cindy was so nice, she spent all day giving puppies hugs, Sister Zodie...

At the lake, Roger was roasting a pig to eat, So I went to the lake for sweet piggy meat, There played a two trumpet band, As rockets launch...

I ate all the raspberries, and I blamed it on my niece, She is only two years old, and they'll leave her be, in peace, I don't want ...

Jimmy spooned down some hot chili chicory soup, He added some fibre, to help Jimmy go poop, Jimmy was driving on the road, When his backend,...

Little Petunia grew by the sea, Little Petunia popped flowers for me, Then in the fall, There were no flowers at all, Little Petunia just ce...

My glass Pan flute fell onto the floor, It shattered, and would toot never more, I stepped above my class, Bought a flute, made from brass, ...

I arranged my funeral at the taxidermy place, They promised that they'd stuff me, and put glass eyes in my face, They're going to se...

To see how the candidates rate,👀 I stayed up to watch them debate,🍺 But I got really tired,😴 And my wait time expired,🚽 A snooze was my ...

My favorite word in a sentence was the noun, Now when I hear someone's noun, I just start to frown, I now only like verbs, They're l...

My mother's name is Repunzel, and she has the most beautiful, blond hair, Sometimes she will let it down, and it will roll to the bottom...

I took music lessons from Mr. Poot, He taught me the drums, and the Pan flute, I had a flute embouchure, So I went on world tour, I got famo...

Because of my horrible neighbor, Pat, My four car tires went completely flat, He took a long, steely nail, Gave each tire an impale, Now I c...