LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I ate all the raspberries, and I blamed it on my niece, She is only two years old, and they'll leave her be, in peace, I don't want ...

Jimmy spooned down some hot chili chicory soup, He added some fibre, to help Jimmy go poop, Jimmy was driving on the road, When his backend,...

Little Petunia grew by the sea, Little Petunia popped flowers for me, Then in the fall, There were no flowers at all, Little Petunia just ce...

My glass Pan flute fell onto the floor, It shattered, and would toot never more, I stepped above my class, Bought a flute, made from brass, ...

I arranged my funeral at the taxidermy place, They promised that they'd stuff me, and put glass eyes in my face, They're going to se...

To see how the candidates rate,👀 I stayed up to watch them debate,🍺 But I got really tired,😴 And my wait time expired,🚽 A snooze was my ...

My favorite word in a sentence was the noun, Now when I hear someone's noun, I just start to frown, I now only like verbs, They're l...

My mother's name is Repunzel, and she has the most beautiful, blond hair, Sometimes she will let it down, and it will roll to the bottom...

I took music lessons from Mr. Poot, He taught me the drums, and the Pan flute, I had a flute embouchure, So I went on world tour, I got famo...

Because of my horrible neighbor, Pat, My four car tires went completely flat, He took a long, steely nail, Gave each tire an impale, Now I c...

I have animal blood and sugar, to flavor my potato, tonight, I do not have any so called money, but I am still eating alright, Soon, when my...

I posted 10 Demandments for each hotel guest, So I won't have to tell them, and become a pest, The Demandment number one, Flush the toil...

My bicycle is rolling down the road, It has been stolen by a long legged toad, The toad's name is berry, He smells kind of scary, The de...

10 little rainbow trout, Swam around and about, They saw a big bass, Under the log pass, Now they're in his belly, and can't get out...

I once had a problem, his name was Sid, Sid was a bedbug, I could not get rid, Sid would hold me real tight, And would bite me all night, Th...

Randy ate a pair of pickles before bed, on a dare, But, then he tossed all night with a nasty nightmare, From his belly Randy dreamt, ...

I went to a wedding between an ogre and troll, It was real deep in a cave, I felt like a ground mole, Neither of them was Einstein bright, I...

A bug dug under my fingernail, He bit hard and I let out a wail, The bug dug in deep, Which caused me to weep, I felt better after three pin...

I decided to get some eats, So, I opened a can of beets, I spilled the juice, It ran real loose, And, stained purple my bare feets.     ...

Today it got so darn hot, It melted my friend, robot, His name was Jim, His hat had a long brim, Poor Jim, I will forget, not.

Ann Teek, divorced her mean, cheating spouse, Used her settlement, to buy a house, She was close to the city, Got dates; she was quite prett...

Tuna is a fish, it is not a state of mind, I said this to a friend, he said I was unkind, Tuna fish in the brains, He sand, yielded great ga...

Trina used a big hair dryer to dry her runny nose, She burnt up her nose hairs, the ashes fell upon her clothes, Her fancy white blouse was ...

I started raising little monkeys, out in my chicken coup, The monkeys ate up all my chickens, and turned them into poop, The monkeys all got...

Billy wears a pompadour wig, upon his big bald head, It's his favorite wig to wear, and its died a red, red, His hair is real poofy, His...

I went outside and saw the great blue sky, I watched my neighbor's, big, fat piggies fly,  I hoped one would crash, Then its body I'...

I was called a turnip, because I never pay my bills, You can't get blood out of a turnip, so chew some chill pills, Paying bills is neve...

I use to have a pony, and his name was Sam, One day Sam disappeared; the day ma fixed a ham, It was one glorious beast, The ham was our Chri...

Jeb and Joey were two squirrels, who lived way up in a tree, They were very happy sharing their nuts, while watching tv, But something went ...

I opened a small can that said "Chicken Of The Sea", It tasted mostly like, some old tuna fish to me, The taste haunts my puckered...

Margot was a busy beaver, and she was busy every day, Blocking up the Tobacco River, so all the water, it would stay, After chewing on the t...

Don eats four fruits and a vegetable each day, Donny keeps his bowels cleared out, that simple way, French Fries and buttered toast, Don lik...

My spider buddy and me were real tight, Spider still gave me a painful big bite, The next thing that I knew, I was lifeless and blue, Then I...

The only time I will tell a lie, Is when I make a promise, guy, For in life's great big scheme, A truth is so easy to dream, Not to prom...

Jim's jet ski crashed on a rock, by the shore, His jet ski, he can ride it, never more, It's messy, it's bad, Terminated, sad, J...

I got raided by porch pirates today, They grabbed my sealed boxes, and sped away, They live next door, On the second floor, And eat peanut b...

Mickey's nice teeth had all cavitised, The dentist pulled them all, no surprise, Now Mickey chews with his gums, Has gas in his tummy tu...

Phil had bugs in his clothes, and up his nose, The bad bugs gave Phil the itchiness woes, Phil ripped his clothes clean off, Blew his nose, ...

Kenny had a really big fish, Benny had a can of sweetcorn, They made a sweetcorn-fishy dish, But chowed upon pudding til morn.

Phillip Sparkle played some old giddy, show tunes, On his brand new set of silver plated spoons, He played most of the day, Till sunshine we...

I looked out my back window and I did see, A zebra eating fruit from my apple tree, He then sprayed the a-tree, With gallons of z-pee, I cou...

Mr. Murphy has a unique nose, Although he's fifty, it still grows, At a boxing event, He got his big nose bent, And after the pub, his n...

There was a little pixie named Mike, He traveled my porch riding a bike, Riding bike was the sin, That caused the porch to cave in, Now when...

I once retired, Soon in debt, I mired, The kids, food they required, A really warm home, I desired, Back working, caffeinated and wired.

The mouse fell from the church ceiling onto my back, It squeaked really loud, and gave a big heart attack, I got whisked straight away, For ...

Outdoor grilled hamburgers should be almost, living tissue, Always, when they are over grilled, that becomes an issue, Just give a flip and ...

I bit into a big bun hamburger, but no beef was there, I like tasting cow blood; I like my hamburger, living rare, The burger was a veggie, ...

Some ticks fell down from the heavenly, blue sky, They fell from the dead willow tree; oh dear, my, I ran to my hotrod, But, no use was my b...

Alive in a world of struggle and desire, Where dreams and schemes, ends and behinds are all frost and fire, Please forget me, not, Desire my...

I pulled a pickle from a pickle jar, and it was hairy, I put the pickle back and went and picked a strawberry, Produce that is hairy, Is awf...

Bill penned out a song that was extraordinary, real nice, He made the melody on his harmonica, device, The record was a go, And, Bill loved ...

He had a tic in his tock,  And, a big rock in his sock, He spent everyday, listening to Rosy Land Bach, His debts started to swell, He had n...

I bought some fluoride toothpaste that came in a white, glass jar, I did not have to squeeze it, so I thought it would go far, It caught me ...

100 billion, billion beady eyes, were staring up at me, That was the ugliest bug I ever saw, sitting on my knee, Then, he spit into my mouth...

It was nearly, half past nine, That is prime tetherball time, I did battle, for first place, Then, I got whacked in the face, Now, through a...

My ruby red grapefruit juice, tasted a might, tad off, I drank just one sip, and I started hacking, cough, cough, I was whisked far away, Fo...

There once was a toilet named Mabel, She was setup at the kitchenette table, Now, your nostrils might rue, You could eat and go poo, While w...

There were seven old bears shacked-up in the woods, They loved each other, and thought their lives was goods, Then one cold winter day, Gold...

Dry mars and blue earth, went total war, It was pretty even; the war score, The mars great weapon rocks, It knocked out Earther clocks, On e...

My snow covered shack up on the hill, Came crashing down upon my still, It buried my corn, my sugar, my mash, It even buried two cans of ...