LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I looked out my back window and I did see, A zebra eating fruit from my apple tree, He then sprayed the a-tree, With gallons of z-pee, I cou...

Mr. Murphy has a unique nose, Although he's fifty, it still grows, At a boxing event, He got his big nose bent, And after the pub, his n...

There was a little pixie named Mike, He traveled my porch riding a bike, Riding bike was the sin, That caused the porch to cave in, Now when...

I once retired, Soon in debt, I mired, The kids, food they required, A really warm home, I desired, Back working, caffeinated and wired.

The mouse fell from the church ceiling onto my back, It squeaked really loud, and gave a big heart attack, I got whisked straight away, For ...

Outdoor grilled hamburgers should be almost, living tissue, Always, when they are over grilled, that becomes an issue, Just give a flip and ...

I bit into a big bun hamburger, but no beef was there, I like tasting cow blood; I like my hamburger, living rare, The burger was a veggie, ...

Some ticks fell down from the heavenly, blue sky, They fell from the dead willow tree; oh dear, my, I ran to my hotrod, But, no use was my b...

Alive in a world of struggle and desire, Where dreams and schemes, ends and behinds are all frost and fire, Please forget me, not, Desire my...

I pulled a pickle from a pickle jar, and it was hairy, I put the pickle back and went and picked a strawberry, Produce that is hairy, Is awf...

Bill penned out a song that was extraordinary, real nice, He made the melody on his harmonica, device, The record was a go, And, Bill loved ...

He had a tic in his tock,  And, a big rock in his sock, He spent everyday, listening to Rosy Land Bach, His debts started to swell, He had n...

I bought some fluoride toothpaste that came in a white, glass jar, I did not have to squeeze it, so I thought it would go far, It caught me ...

100 billion, billion beady eyes, were staring up at me, That was the ugliest bug I ever saw, sitting on my knee, Then, he spit into my mouth...

It was nearly, half past nine, That is prime tetherball time, I did battle, for first place, Then, I got whacked in the face, Now, through a...

My ruby red grapefruit juice, tasted a might, tad off, I drank just one sip, and I started hacking, cough, cough, I was whisked far away, Fo...

There once was a toilet named Mabel, She was setup at the kitchenette table, Now, your nostrils might rue, You could eat and go poo, While w...

There were seven old bears shacked-up in the woods, They loved each other, and thought their lives was goods, Then one cold winter day, Gold...

Dry mars and blue earth, went total war, It was pretty even; the war score, The mars great weapon rocks, It knocked out Earther clocks, On e...

My snow covered shack up on the hill, Came crashing down upon my still, It buried my corn, my sugar, my mash, It even buried two cans of ...

I had so many downloads from the app downloading store, I had to delete my old favs, before downloading more, I deleted my app for Pong, Spa...

I went to the carnival and the carnies were there, They were all really nice, except their pet bear,  The bear had little charm, He bit off ...

I went to see the Magic Flute, It's a nice, catchy Mozart toot, When I left, I stoped to eat, The food smelled like fungal feet, Then, I...

I decided to give myself four wishes, The first was that I had sparkling, clean dishes, Next, the toilet would clean flush, Then, I'd ha...

There was a Praying Mantis named Sid, He stayed most perfectly hid, When a bug came along, The bug had sung it's last song, And, Sid...

There was a blue Mercedes named Hugh, He was fast and reliable too, He worked like a charm, He kept his owner from harm, The owner had a...

I make the bestest, yellow polka dot clay pots, I think it's because my brain is full of blood clots, The whole pot is grassy green, So,...

Scott had ugly bugs coming out his nose, He had even more nasties,  when he blows, Scott was meany mean, Even more, unclean, Scott had odd t...

I ate fried bananas and frog eggs, it cost me a pretty coin, I had it forever; I stole it from a jukebox in Des Moines, The coin was a silve...

Before the birds are outside with their squeaking, I'm on the road for some special antiquing, I hit all the yard sales, Buy old cloth b...

There once was a little pink ghost, who liked to drink cold iced tea, Every time he drank it, it ran through him faster than pee, I refused ...

I opened a can of applesauce, and found a little frog, The frog was cooked and mummified, sitting in a saucy bog, I did not at all hesitate,...

I saw a wolverine, dragging by the feet, my neighbor down the street, My neighbor screamed really loud, but the wolverine was going to eat, ...

A dragon ate every ear of corn in each field, That greatly reduced the gross domestic cornfield yield, We sent him a kind letter, Asked that...

There was a swamp lizard named Ike, He hated all those on a bike, They’d run over his tail, That made poor Ike Wail, Now on Thursday he ...

Henry has morning fruitcake and coffee, then he does a prance dance, Hoping his neighbor next door, will be stimulated for romance, The neig...

The three siblings went off to big tented church camp, The only adult they liked, was a loitering tramp, The Tramp lived by the lake, And, f...

Marnie the mouse liked to shuck peas, She cooked them up to eat with her cheese, But, along came the farmer, He wanted to harm her, She ...

I caught and gutted a big catfish, and found something there, It was a nine dollar gold piece, and it was very rare, I was on the noon news,...

My teeter-totter has a broken teeter, My canary bird has a real horse tweeter, My doggy won't dog, He's asleep like a log, W...

I went onto the Facebook platform, and made me a friend Never had one growing up, except the ones I'd pretend, My friend quickly asked f...

Pete proudly canned his fresh salmon, and put all of the cans, away, So, he could eat salmon, when the ice and snow covered the old quay, Ol...

Paul the odd washer, washed my dirty dishes for free, He delighted doing dishes, and did them with glee, I asked him, "what's wrong...

The gross profit results looked extremely odd, So, I took it to my accountant, named Todd, He said someone's been stealing, From the til...

I dreamt I was a pretty angel, standing in a field of corn, When I awoke, I was a scarecrow, and with rags I was adorn, I saw corn bent over...

My Gerty, the dirty little dog, Jumped on my Android, and tried to vlog, She's still my best buddy, But, her paws were muddy, My Android...

I saw two squirrels playing a very silly game, Rock, Scissors, Paper, a game that is so, so lame, Should play Five Card Stud, That game ain...

My dog Gerty likes to dig a big hole, Hunting for the vicious, underground mole, She plays at catch and release, Leaves the dirt diggers in ...

I went to an upscale restaurant that served only soup, My soup had the smell and texture of a big bowl of poop, I really did not care, I had...

I'm eating spiders and their eggs, They have no flavor and meatless legs, But, they taste better than flies, With their big bulgin...

There was a robin named Drifty, His eyes were real big and shifty, When Herman the worm, Decided to Squirm, Drifty thought his next meal...

Timmy found some bedbugs, drifting in his cup of tea, One started swimming, and Timmy threw his tea at me, In the furniture, clothing and ru...

All wide eyed, I just had to sit and wonder,  Just as the skies lit up, and then came thunder, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom The echoes of do...

Leprechauns and unicorns and trolls; they all have to eat, When they spy me working in my yard, they think of me as meat, I must clean my sp...

My pig's child support payments had failed, So, he was arrested and sentenced and jailed, And, it didn't please the court, When m...

My new potable flowers came in the mail, I planted them deep, on my walk, in a pail, They were lots of pretty, Prettied my trashy city, Then...

Harry liked to target the lunchroom spittoon, He chewed tobacco when he took lunch at noon, He hit the toon hole every time, He inspired thi...

Gnomes are really little dudes, They play around and have attitudes, They trample my garden flat, They torment my poor cat, My other pets th...

After work at the restaurant where I recoup, I found several nose hairs in my noodle soup, The manager sought to entice, He charged me...

I'm positive of an evening sup, I'm positive next morn the sun comes up, I'm positive every day, I'll be loading truck...