LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Before the birds are outside with their squeaking, I'm on the road for some special antiquing, I hit all the yard sales, Buy old cloth b...

There once was a little pink ghost, who liked to drink cold iced tea, Every time he drank it, it ran through him faster than pee, I refused ...

I opened a can of applesauce, and found a little frog, The frog was cooked and mummified, sitting in a saucy bog, I did not at all hesitate,...

I saw a wolverine, dragging by the feet, my neighbor down the street, My neighbor screamed really loud, but the wolverine was going to eat, ...

A dragon ate every ear of corn in each field, That greatly reduced the gross domestic cornfield yield, We sent him a kind letter, Asked that...

There was a swamp lizard named Ike, He hated all those on a bike, They’d run over his tail, That made poor Ike Wail, Now on Thursday he ...

Henry has morning fruitcake and coffee, then he does a prance dance, Hoping his neighbor next door, will be stimulated for romance, The neig...

The three siblings went off to big tented church camp, The only adult they liked, was a loitering tramp, The Tramp lived by the lake, And, f...

Marnie the mouse liked to shuck peas, She cooked them up to eat with her cheese, But, along came the farmer, He wanted to harm her, She ...

I caught and gutted a big catfish, and found something there, It was a nine dollar gold piece, and it was very rare, I was on the noon news,...

My teeter-totter has a broken teeter, My canary bird has a real horse tweeter, My doggy won't dog, He's asleep like a log, W...

I went onto the Facebook platform, and made me a friend Never had one growing up, except the ones I'd pretend, My friend quickly asked f...

Pete proudly canned his fresh salmon, and put all of the cans, away, So, he could eat salmon, when the ice and snow covered the old quay, Ol...

Paul the odd washer, washed my dirty dishes for free, He delighted doing dishes, and did them with glee, I asked him, "what's wrong...

The gross profit results looked extremely odd, So, I took it to my accountant, named Todd, He said someone's been stealing, From the til...

I dreamt I was a pretty angel, standing in a field of corn, When I awoke, I was a scarecrow, and with rags I was adorn, I saw corn bent over...

My Gerty, the dirty little dog, Jumped on my Android, and tried to vlog, She's still my best buddy, But, her paws were muddy, My Android...

I saw two squirrels playing a very silly game, Rock, Scissors, Paper, a game that is so, so lame, Should play Five Card Stud, That game ain...

My dog Gerty likes to dig a big hole, Hunting for the vicious, underground mole, She plays at catch and release, Leaves the dirt diggers in ...

I went to an upscale restaurant that served only soup, My soup had the smell and texture of a big bowl of poop, I really did not care, I had...

I'm eating spiders and their eggs, They have no flavor and meatless legs, But, they taste better than flies, With their big bulgin...

There was a robin named Drifty, His eyes were real big and shifty, When Herman the worm, Decided to Squirm, Drifty thought his next meal...

Timmy found some bedbugs, drifting in his cup of tea, One started swimming, and Timmy threw his tea at me, In the furniture, clothing and ru...

All wide eyed, I just had to sit and wonder,  Just as the skies lit up, and then came thunder, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom The echoes of do...

Leprechauns and unicorns and trolls; they all have to eat, When they spy me working in my yard, they think of me as meat, I must clean my sp...

My pig's child support payments had failed, So, he was arrested and sentenced and jailed, And, it didn't please the court, When m...

My new potable flowers came in the mail, I planted them deep, on my walk, in a pail, They were lots of pretty, Prettied my trashy city, Then...

Harry liked to target the lunchroom spittoon, He chewed tobacco when he took lunch at noon, He hit the toon hole every time, He inspired thi...

Gnomes are really little dudes, They play around and have attitudes, They trample my garden flat, They torment my poor cat, My other pets th...

After work at the restaurant where I recoup, I found several nose hairs in my noodle soup, The manager sought to entice, He charged me...

I'm positive of an evening sup, I'm positive next morn the sun comes up, I'm positive every day, I'll be loading truck...

There once was a walrus named Lynn, She took hot sauna baths to get thin, But, on an all you can eat dinner date, She ate and she ate, T...

I bought a refrigerator, but it needed much repair, It had completely shorted out, because its wires were bare, At a rewiring one stop shop,...

Benny took my pretty trumpet, and dropped it on the floor, Then, Benny took my trumpet, and nailed it to the  backdoor, Benny gets so very m...

It is so very, very hot, Steamy, is the texture of snot, And, goodness knows, The heatwave grows, Water's gone, and the food is rot. 423...

There was a pretty mermaid named Trish, If you were nice she’d grant you one wish, I asked to swim well, Then, Trish cast her spell, She...

I found a whole pizza, but it was up in the trees, Don't know how it got there, but there was a steady breeze, It took me quite a bit, B...

I had to box and bury my bestest friend, Fred, My favorite goldfish, only he was more red, He's now swimming today, In a heavenly bay, W...

We're home; my gentle tender foot and I, To our Bayou, tent camp, we said goodbye, We had an invader, A ten foot alligator, The alligato...

T. P. Taylor bought some screaming, pretty blue shoes,  It was important stuff, was on the nightly news, The shoes were from the mall, They ...

I bought a can of dill pickles from an online superstore, I received my can of dill pickles, in it is something more, It has six legs, Legs ...

Something bad happened to my wood deck, This spring it all fell all to heck, On the problem I set sights, And, found ten billion termites...

I tried securing a date with the tastiest scones, I recited poetry in soft monotones, But, my lady chose another, In fact, he was my brot...

More ice on the road means I have a greater chance to error, And, send all of my passengers into a state of great terror, For when I hit...

My pet gator is covered with dots, Yet, I gave him all of his shots, But, he likes to eat weasels, And, from them he caught measles, Now...

I'm afraid the universe is on it's last call, Soon the universe will be nothing at all, It's not yet, even May, But, what should...

I was admonished for working too slow, The boss wanted me to go, go, go, go, It caused me agonizing pain, When he planted chips in my brain,...

Richie was a real vicious rattlesnake, He lived in Michigan near Skegemog Lake, When Cindy had too much ale, She stepped on Richie's ...

I bought me some crawlers, so I could catch trout, There's big ones out there, in the streams all about, See, I write a love story, As I...

I recently, went hunting for the elusive squail, It's about 1\3rd squirrel, and 2\3rds of a quail, It has the flavor of nuts, Yet, smell...

I could no longer afford paying home rent, I built a new estate, some called it a tent, On the most unhappiest day My tent was tornadoed awa...

In the annuals of time, there was a dark night, called Sir Ed, He became really vengeful, when someone cut off his head, He'd ride searc...

I accepted a mission, to sail all the way to the moon, I postulated I could get there, with a hot air balloon, Like missions of the past, My...

The apples on the tree were wormy and ripe, The apples on the ground were squishy like tripe, So, wormy apples it be, That I picked from the...

Jerry had some weird, but mostly mundane work nights, Jerry was a bar bouncer, and he bounced all fights, He threw out the punks, Called cab...

My gentle Tender Foot and I, Loved to go up, up, up, and fly, We flew a round balloon, That rose like a full moon, One day we crashed hard, ...

As I wandered in the cold streets, Checking dumpsters for my best eats, Found a kiddie slide, Took a down slide ride, Little adventures are ...

There was a spider monkey named Cato, The only food he had was a potato, Along came this foul bear,  He demanded his share, In exchange, he ...

When will the great soul end our world, that has an existence which is paper thin? Perhaps the great soul will decide to write us off, when ...

There was an old fella known by most as, Fred, He was found face down in a stream, drowned and dead, Fred hit his big head, On a hard rock b...