LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I washed my dishes, my laundry, my car, ta-da, I polished the silver and wiped off the bar, rah-rah, But, work is a trap, Leads to an aftern...

I went to buy meat and was shocked by the sticker, The price was so high that it shut down my ticker, When revived, I went to the bar, An...

I snuck onboard a counting down spaceship, that was heading into space, I didn't know where I was going, but I knew it was a better plac...

There was something in my closet staring, A shiny jacket the thing was wearing, It was my brother Joe, Lives down in Kokomo, It seems brothe...

Last night my pot cracked, Kiln too hot, clay unworked, oops, Good gift for grandma. 72821

I went outside to fly my brand new red kite, It kept crashing, because it was so darn light, I flew it on a wire, Lightning struck, it taugh...

My property taxes are awfully darn high, I think I'll be moving way up into the sky, Get a copter I could repair, Then I'll hover up...

When I fell off the majestic Mackinac bridge, I slammed into the cold water, and it was fridge, The water broke, hark! It was a bull shark, ...

When I was little, I saw a bear, He was full of stuffing and had no hair, He slept with me in bed, Up by my baby head, So all the wild monst...

There once was a fool named April May, A first cousin to Monday Tuesday, They would together ice skate, Until they each found a mate, Two bo...

The thing about the marshmallow peeps, When I'm shopping them, I shop for keeps, The day that comes after Sunday, Is the day they call M...

I went to a real cheap restaurant, and it was all you could eat, You had to wash your own dishes, and wipe down your table and seat, They se...

I have a cute bunny rabbit that only eats real cheddar cheese, The bun barges into the fridge and takes it, never saying please, I am a tota...

The Easter Bunny was nasty, and left me just plastic eggs, Those hard, plastic knock-offs, were never between a chickens legs, The candy lef...

As I walked to the store, I picked a pretty flower, I chewed it in my mouth, and it tasted very sour, Someone said, "should have left i...

Benny went to Livonia to star in some flicks, Romantic comedies, but they only had hicks, His backwoods simple ways, Along with stupid gaze,...

I went diving in a nasty cesspool, desperate to come clean, It made my face all pucker up, so I used mamas Maybelline, The cess got in my be...

The bunny brings lots of candy in his basket, that rots teeth, That's why you will never see a smile, from my uncle Keith, I really do n...

The mouse was stuck on the old glue trap, He squeaked and squeaked and said, "Drat, Drat," But, his will kept him yanking, And, hi...

Daddy goes out on the street, very late at night, Looking for used body parts, when supplies are tight, When old organs fail, Daddy finds so...

I got a basket full of chocolate eggs, marshmallow peeps and jelly beans, I've never seen so much candy, it was like a basket for kings ...

I was a driver's trainee, When it was pour down rainy, I hit the brake, Slid, hit the lake, After going through the fence called...

Leonardo the squirrel, ate bugs, never nuts, Leo didn't like the chewing, he'd rather slurp guts, And the tastiest slurps, Came from...

There once was a sweet rabbit named Randy, He delivered baskets full of candy, Randy hopped into a lion, Randy took off home, just flyin...

There was a mudpuppy that got stuck in the mud, She struggled real hard, but was stuck deep in the crud, A hero did pass, It was a rock bass...

With my bestest friends, Bill and Dave, We went exploring in a cave, We found a Mastodon, We named him Ron, He was bones, it was his grave. ...

The Ides of March have come and gone, Old Caesar's curse has been a yawn, Maybe next year, The earth won't be here, Or, maybe I'...

The rabbit with the candy basket, was being chased by the bear, The poor rabbit had candy falling from the basket, everywhere, The bear was ...

There were two little white bunnies, and they each ate too much tasty cheese, They could not go to the bathroom, and felt a real general une...

Bunnies were doing their business, right outside my screen door, One thing that's true about bunnies, they are always making more, The b...

My time/space machine just broke right down, I spilled my beer and the darn thing shorted queen's royal crown, It will  just not start...

Peter was a rare pasta poet, He rhymed linguini and did not know it, He once rhymed spaghetti, With a monster called Yeti, But, with an ...

I caught a fish that was so big, On a nightcrawler-spinner rig, "It was the biggest fish ever," cried every voter, That'...

My roommate lives on the dole, He never sweeps the floor, He never cleans the toilet bowl, Or, flushes anymore, My roommate lives just ...

Billy was out swinging beneath an old tree, He swung so high he got stung by a bad bee, He gave a bee nest a tap, The nest fell on Billy...

My pet scorpion was killed, when someone crushed him with a big rock, I spent all day complaining to all my followers on Tic Toc, Someone se...

The price of groceries had gotten so darn high, Was with jitter bugs and weeds, I made my stir fry, The food was so bad, The family got mad,...

Marko is very bitter, Since he's been banned from Twitter, A down toilet seat omiter, His hair is all green glitter, He is a doggy sitte...

There was a crazy rabbit that painted chicken eggs, He'd run around and leave them, between old ladies legs, Someone set a rabbit trap, ...

Whimper, whimper my little brats,  I should have stayed single and just kept some cats,  I could manage their poop,  With just a big scoo...

Daddy sells appendages like human fingers and human toes, Surprising what rich people pay, for a pretty human nose, Organs are where the mon...

Daddy bought and sold things, like human lungs and human hearts, There's a lot of old rich people needing many new parts, There was an o...

"Whatever floats their boat", Was daddy's favorite quote, He went up the river, Sold kidneys and liver, Delivered in a dry ice...

A sudden massive, storm downpour washed my  city away, I floated amongst parts of buildings in Saginaw Bay, Then out of the dark, Comes this...

I went out looking for new blooming spring flowers, All I came across were snow drifts and snow showers, Although springtime is here, ...

My neighbors and I signed some treaties,  No one can trespass with their feeties, Unless chased by a bear, Then no one will care, If chased,...

There was a poison filled serpent underneath a pretty granite rock, I thought I'd find a stick and clobber him, and record it for Tik To...

On the first day of school I found I had four feet, And, they wouldn't fit under a two foot seat, Then, I got everyone's stare, ...

Coyotes are after my little terror dog, They may well get him, because he sleeps like a dead log, I made my doggy wear bells, And some skunk...

Kelly the happy camper, camps up north in the early springs, Kelly roasts marshmallows, and does other happy camper things, Sometimes he cat...

Ben made bismarks until he was fired, He didn't use the filling that was required, It was such a big  waste, He filled bismarks with ...

Claudius the clown, was a very, very stupid man, He could not learn to tie his shoes, nor open a Spam can, It was said, Claudius the clown, ...

There was a pink pig named rocket, One eyeball didn't fit in it's socket, It kept popping out, It would land on his snout, He...

I lost my money in shadow banking, While the markets rose my account was tanking, Of course when the markets eroded, My account  then imp...

I got a terrible concussion, Playing soccer against the team of the Prussian, I took a ball to the brain, But, I felt little pain, As of...

I saw two gargoyles out in the yard, They were snacking on someone; I think Mr. Bard, Because it wasn't me, I just let it be, With g...

George had a hound dog named Molly, Mollie married Danny the collie, Ten puppies they raised, But, Danny was crazed, The pups looked lik...

The Ides of March is oh so sweet, And I celebrate with a candy treat, Of course, it's sad for poor Caesar, But, he was a hard plea...

My flower popped up in the spring, Then a cold snap did it's thing, My flower tilted, Then it wilted, And, an unhappy bee gave m...

I had a small pet bug named Larry, he just learned how to fly, He flew into a bug zapper, and that's where he learned to die, I keep los...