LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Villagers made my likeness, a statue, and they set it outside, That was a such fantastic honor, a stimulus for my pride, The birds came forw...

My kitty likes to tear, rip and shred, elves into small parts, So on Christmas Day,  we just get one wrapped box, full of farts, Real bad it...

Justin was a cute teddy bear, who lived on my top bookshelf, Justin was so sad, because he lost his best friend, Teddy Ralph, Teddy Ralph fe...

Daddy never said goodbye that day, When daddy took his banjo away, He left no kiss for ma, Or beer for grandpa, If I had known, I'd have...

Don't care if online I'm hacked, but they hacked my potato chips, Then they got into my cupboard, and stole some canned fish kips. I...

At work Steve always wore a mask, Even to do a simple task, His workmate, Punk, Smelled worse than skunk, In wretched aromas, Punk did bask.

Jimmy played several sports, He would always wear sport shorts, His clothes were green, Stayed mostly clean, He wore white on tennis courts.

A witch put a horrible curse upon my goldfish, Fred, Turned Fred into a gator, and Fred tried to eat me dead, Although I tried to beg, Fred ...

My dog was looking thin and bony, So I fed him some macaroni,  I took him to see his dog friend, Tony, I think their friendship is kind of p...

I drove my pickup down the highway, while it made a clanging noise, I drove it to the mechanic shop, called Big Jobs At Little Roy's, My...

When a tree crushed my mobile home, I was homeless many days, I moved into a cave that turned out, was a billionaire's play maze, He fil...

There was a group of boy bots, and they sang in tight harmony, They learned perfect notes and rhythms, from the AI program Glee, They sang r...

My arbutus looks so very pretty, Sitting in my garden in mid-city, Then there is my daisy, All flopped over crazy, Then there is rose, my pr...

My city had four stone walls, that were tall and hard to breach, In front of my  city, was a long, golden, sandy beach, My city showed it ha...

Deary Ben gave up on life, and he totally quit, Then he just sat in a chair, and he knit and he knit, He knitted me sneakers, But they were ...

I have shortwave radio, for the end of the world, I have plenty of gold and silver bars, squirreled, I have potted meat, Plenty to eat, And ...

The enormous, big, bad boulder, came rolling down the hill, It took out my camper, it was a total camper kill, I had not any place to stay, ...

I got bit by three gigantic skeeters today, It's March; skeeters shouldn't be out until late in May, Now, I am all itchy, My tude ha...

My only friends on the internet and, this really rots,😖 Is an amalgamation of spyware iconed as "bots," 🤖🤖🤖 They pretend t...

Clancy made some of his famous prison toilet wine, He forgot to flush the toilet; it was not fine, The wine had little floaters, Mostly, the...

Sherry Little Toes, liked to read her small classy, fancy books, Sherry had real little fingers, and a little pan that cooks, Sherry loved t...

It is the 1st day of March, and my driveway is really sloppy, When my pickup rolls over it, my pickup goes bippy boppy I said to the kids I ...

The paths on my carpet grow deep and grow large, It's like someone leads daily a cavalry charge, And, whatever is led, Smells at leas...

I use to buy goldfish, and set them free in the bay, All was just completely fine, until one sunny day, I was fishing for big perch, Behind ...

I had a stuffed Teddy bear with a very long string, And, when I'd pull it the full Figaro Opera he'd sing, But, he wasn't al...

I woke up from the world of nighttime sleepers, Just to see several dozen tiny creepers, They were a green bug, That crawled out of my rug, ...

I don't mind being called a Hypocrite, I often say one thing then, do the opposite bit, Ideas, my mind can't hold, My brains are ...

Mark ate pigs-feet for his dinner meal, They were greasy which was the appeal, Eating lean, like turkey, Is not that tasty, Like pigs-fe...

I went downtown to do some shopping, While all around the snow was plopping, The night was dark and wind was cold, I was the only being b...

We are having another Leap Year, and it's driving me insane, All these Leap Year stress emotions, are doing flip flops with my brain, Do...

I was in my spacecraft, traveling at the speed of light, I should have installed some headlamps, so I could see at night, I ran into a saber...

My little plane got hit by a chocho train, and my plane got all messed up, I was not able to make it home tonight, and I did not get my sup,...

I love to dumpster dive, because I like the smells, Things that are really smelly, have their special tells, The things that smell awfully s...

The vicious wolverine bit off my middle toe, I doubt I can get another mid-toe to grow, He ripped out my lungs and face, Fast, like he was i...

The beast that lives in Sumer Valley, Eats the peasants, quite a tally, He will jelly them for toast, Or for dinner, a lamb roast, With pitc...

I am hoping spring will get here real soon, I've started seeds growing, to plant in June, If it's too cold, My plants, I'm told,...

There were three evil trolls way out in the deep woods, They were snacking on good Little Red Riding Hoods, A hungry dragon was flying, Thou...

There once was a mean weasel named Sis, If you came near, she would start to hiss, When Sis was a wee babe, She was bit by brother Gabe, ...

Eating soup was my goal, Bought a plastic bowel, Did not see it had a hole, On my food it took a toll, Got wet my cinnamon roll. 22724

They chopped off my head, and put me in a deep, cold grave, They piled on some heavy rocks, so I wouldn't misbehave, I crawled out of my...

I knew this fire breathing dragon, named Fred, He wouldn't eat anything, unless it was dead, In his belly, Fred did carry, A big, vast p...

I saw a micro moon in the cloudy nighttime sky, It was so darn cloudy, the moon almost missed my eye, I'm not into little moons, Little ...

Sir Dirk was a very noble knight, Fire breathing Dragons he would fight, He once shipped off to France, With a long metal lance, And the...

Derek the skunk liked his eggs in the morn, So he went into the chicken coop where the eggs were born, Then the chickens got mad, And tre...

Mary was so ashamed, Her puppy was not toilet trained, The pup did know the score, He did his job out the door, But, came back in an...

The dinosaur in my crawlspace, ate my dog and cat, I told him it wasn't funny, and that he was not all that! That big buns dino turd, Ne...

I climbed up a tree to hunt deer with my bow, A big buck I targeted and was good to go, But, the tree where I sat, Was the home of a bat,...

Some long icicles fell off the barn roof, They knocked poor Jimmy off of his tall hoof, Jimmy needed a warm fire, So he lit up a truck tire,...

John  thought he'd strike a walrus pose, So, he stuck two straws way up his nose, He thought he’d be funny, But, his nose became runn...

I bought a cute, little cherry tree, and put it in the ground, I put a steak in beside it with a pound, pound, pound, pound, pound, So the c...

Johnny was captured, and taken to the pit, He got cut by a pendulum, that was it, He got cut in half, Infected with staff, Now Johnny has no...

I come from a planet with two suns and two moons, Many groves of apple trees line up in platoons, It never turns night, You live only in ...

I got tired of snow so, I painted the snow grass green, I covered my yard and I thought it looked keen, But, the city via citation disag...

The doctor said to me, soon I'd be all gone, I would probably not make it, until dawn, Tainted preserve spread, Was making me dead, I...

I think that I'd better hide, There are space aliens glowing outside, I've got nothing to fear, Unless, I think life dear, But, I...

I do not mind filing taxes each and every single  year, It's paying the taxes, fines, interest and fees, that causes fear, If I happen t...

Filing my taxes feels stressful, like war,  My receipts are scattered all over, the floor,   My cats all go whiz,   All over my biz,   I mig...

I bought a bag of potting soil to start pepper plants inside, I grow amazing, pretty pepper plants that are my joy and pride, I transplant t...

Forsake me not my jellyroll, I need said roll to guide my soul, The flavors are Zen, It's perfection, a ten, Glazed bread with a sweet f...

I played with my quite doggy, and I caught a case of mange, Then when I went to work, people looked at me real strange, Someone made a big f...