LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I met a pheasant, and his/her? name is Leslie Beaks, The pheasant said little bugs, seeds and leaf worms it seeks, I do not want to seem unp...

I got diseased by hitting links, Now, my time on the internet really stinks, I can't download a game, So, it just isn't the sam...

My employer, Squeaky Squires, owns a chain of grocery stores, He sells expired groceries, and unto him the wealth, it pours, I got titled he...

The authorities insisted I was insane, They insisted, and put a chip into my brain, The chip made me much less smart, I push a grocery cart,...

Cyrus The Psychic has psychic juices that flow, Down from his sinus, and out the nose it do go, His predictions come true, Thanks to his bra...

There are two parallel universes; one paranoid, one that's not I live in the paranoid one, where every action is a plot, What fortunes I...

Cyrus The Psychic found a jewel, a rarity, When he dripped snot on it, Cyrus found psychic clarity, The drippings from his brain, Predicted ...

I will work all day for more pickles, I buy them with my hard earned nickels, They are really sour, They have pucker power, I fix my mouth b...

My neighbor bakes me pies full of beans, My neighbor's body, he seldom cleans, I throw the beans far, far away, Return a clean pan the n...

I set my electric heater dial to toasty, Took a long nap, and I woke up being roasty, It was not my desire, My shack catch on fire, Seems my...

I fell off the end of the pier, I wondered where do I go from here? If I went down, I would most likely drown, And, the shoreline i...

My four hens were out pecking at sunflower seeds, Then along came a fox, and he did four dirty deeds, I had no eggs the next morn, Just four...

My hound now rests down deep in his hole, In the earth with the worm and the mole, I found a gravestone, That looks like a bone, I also left...

AI looked outside this morning, and zombies were there, Tapped on my window, and their bad teeth they did bear, I tossed them canned peaches...

I'm afraid feeble has become friend, hound, All he does is eat weeds and laze around, He's 16 years old, That's ancient I'm ...

The price of gas is high, to be frank, I took out a new mortgage to buy just half of one tank, I don't expect gas to be free, But,...

Why are my pigs so skinny and so small? Everyone else's pigs are so fat and so tall, My pigs are food spoiled, With soft eggs all boi...

Poor little tenderfoot, Went walking on some stones, And, with every single step he took, He made a dozen moans, Poor little tenderfo...

I found some fresh caught kippers on clearance sale,    They had not been cleaned, and were in a tin pail,   They were kinda smelly, Some we...

My best pieces of ham he forked, My most expensive wine he uncorked, He ate the deviled eggs whole, And, an entire cheese roll, By m...

My beautiful blue teddy bear, he came to life, He ran off with the next door neighbor's pretty wife, It was really sad, My Teddy did bad...

I had a little time-ship, but the door got stuck tight shut, I could not get outside to meet the king we know as Tut, I used my brand new sp...

I turned on my tunes, but my tunes were not there, A check went to subscriptions but, my check account was bare, So quiet was my place, ...

Nature was roaring big and loud, Then I spied the funnel cloud, It swept away the stadium crowd With human persons, it was well endowed, I t...

I found grandma's silver dimes, that I had hid in an old shoe box, She asked me to take them, so she'd have no means to wreck detox,...

I caught a rabbit in my trap, He started to cry, and I'm a sap, I let him go, That so and so, He ate my pansies, now I'm unhap

There are sharks in all Michigan lakes, They attack tourists on vacation breaks, A shark took off my leg, So, I carves me a peg, Now, I hunt...

When the Wolf Moon rises, There be terror surprises, The hooting owl, The wolf howl, Most dangerous, friendly disguises.

I went broke buying online subscriptions, and had to sell blood, My blood was rejected, because it looked too much like mud, I sold the kidn...

I had a big pet dinosaur, and he loved my homemade scones, He would eat them by the thousands, and made loud lip smacking tones, One day whe...

All the pretty lilacs bloomed a nice smell, They prettied up my small garden, as well, Cooked them into perfume, To spray in my bathroom, I ...

I went to.the doctor's office to have them take out stiches, It cost me every coin I got, I cleaned out my britches, They covered my wou...

Miranda stole Susan’s dime, Miranda didn’t think that it was a crime, But Susan got steamed, Miranda got beamed, Miranda healed up over ...

There was a big beaver named Mark, He built damns from morning til dark, Some days he would wish, He was just a fish, Then, he’d just pl...

Because Bobby only ate food that came in tins, Bobby was deficient in many vitamins, He had hunger for pork pie, He never knew exactly why, ...

Because I ordered them through the mail, My cheese puffs arrived late and were stale, I used them for fish bait, And, caught me a soul mate,...

The three perch I caught would have made a real nice meal, But the one good sized perch I caught, my cat did steal, I gave my cupboard a goo...

Three little green leprechauns, stood outside my front door, They each had a shillelagh, and were prepared for war, I asked them in for tea,...

The rats they sleep all day, and prowl around all night, Looking for a spot of food, or an open toe to bite, Their teeth pierce the fleshy t...

A tiger was climbing way, way up high in a tall tree, He was after a sparrow, but that bird flew off to sea, When the giant tiger found, He ...

Dave exercises just nine seconds each day, Yet, his poundage is an expanding display, Dave eats only wheat bread, With much butter, he said,...

I thought my pet rooster ran away, I looked for him the entire day, Yet all the while, My old hound had a smile, Next to his coo...

I invested in real estate, stocks and, bonds, While the wizards on Wall Street waved their wands, I fell for their pitch, They got reall...

It was so cold that Davey got sick, Then he got sicker, awfully quick, So he took a snooze, Awoke to bad news, His nose was plugged, and he ...

Bobby used his right index finger to clean between his toes, Then when he was done, he'd polish the nostrils of his nose, Bobby did this...

I got some new ice skates, and went out on the ice to skate, I went out fifty feet, and fell through the ice on the lake, Beneath the ice I ...

A shark circled me, while watched by his mummy, I thought the shark was another reef bummy, He got right up in my face, So I sprayed him wit...

Getting closer to the big Wolf Moon, It arrives during the hour of noon, The moon's picture is dear, With the stars in the rear, All hum...

I built a snow garden and painted it blue, All the bushes and flowers and all the trees too, Then, I built around it a town, That had ...

I was once an advanced AI bot, Someone's nose blew, and I got all snot, I became confused, Then I was unused, My intellect was just left...

The bad wolf was so white, he blended in with the snow, He crept up behind me, everywhere that I'd go, As I fell to my knees, I felt the...

I was a little chipmunk, and I got chased up a tree, A big growling cougar cat was really hungry for me, I climbed to the sky, But, I could ...

I once had a butler robot named Sam, He made sandwiches of Swiss cheese and ham, Yet, what was real fine, He made great rhubarb wine, Bu...

Denny was always buying real white sheets, brand new, When hung on the clothesline, they had a yellow hue, The one thing he held dear, Was h...

They may smile, and seem quick to please, Those bears skulking out beyond the trees, They want a nice warm meal, Walking meat has appeal, Wh...

Ninety-nine minnows lived in the thick weeds, They liked the dense foliage for their safety needs, But, a swordfish named Rege, Cut down ...

There were flies in dad's ointments, and bees on the wing, Then there were hornets with a much nastier sting, One stung poor little Ben,...

Little Derek, he was four, Thought mommy was a dinosaur, When asleep, she'd loudly snore, Sounded like a mega roar, That shook the hinge...

If I were a walrus, I would take ice and build a shack, Then I would eat invertebrates, while lying on my back, I'd eat snails and wiggl...

If you want to be a Zombie, you see a dentist first, Without two good rows of teeth, your Zombie career is burst, Your teeth must bite, tear...