LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Teacher, teacher alphabet soup, When I sit in class my eye lids droop, My brain is so soar, I just want to snore, It’ll be a lifetime b...

I woke up this morning without hands, arms or feet, Instead, I had flippers; how am I supposed to eat? I flopped down to the bay, I feel bet...

Again it is now Christmas Eve, Santa’s ride depends on reindeer Steve, Steve is the official weather reindeer, But, he has drank too much...

I needed a holiday wreath for my front door, Could not afford to buy one, because I'm dirt poor, I took wire and branches of pine, Built...

There was  mouse I called Davy, He kept chewing into my dry packs of gravy, I told him I will get very rough,  If he gets into my salt...

Santa brought Harry an oboe, and he unpacked it Christmas Day, Once the oboe was assembled, Harry began to play and play, Harry was a happy ...

It's Saturday, and I don't know what to do, Maybe I will visit buffalo at the zoo, I guess I'll go to the beach, There, volleyba...

I have "the watching the snowfall monotony blues," In Michigan the snowfalls always come in twos, One lasts all night, the oth...

Chips of blue paint covered the new fallen snow, The moonlight hit it, and the moonlight, it glow, It's my peeled house paint, The white...

I bought me a chicken, and had me a fry, It tasted so good it put beams in my eye, Then I had me some beans, And fried mustard greens, I got...

Often Harry would play in concert his sweet kazoo,  Then he bought a nice metal flute, and it was brand new, Then he bought a clarinet, Foun...

I saw some weird little winter bees, They had their own little toboggans, and their own skies, They might look funny, But they make tommy ho...

Area bear watchers have gotten their wish, There's a bear around here searching for some nutrish, He loves smelly containers, Like...

The picking of the noses is a family tradition, Most do it for the fun, others do it for the nutrition, Dig for the boogers deep, deep, deep...

I like licking my candy cane; it tastes like peppermint, It makes my eyes tear up, and gives them a shinny tint, I've got a bumper stick...

It does not take any brains, The best treats are candy canes, I do not hesitate, I quickly manducate, Then my teeth all suffer pains.

When I dug a hole to plant a red maple tree, Oops!  I cut the cable to my cable TV, But, the cut electrical wire, Which caused a neighbor...

For Bill, "irregardless" is his favorite word, But amongst PhD scholars it's a word never heard, Now Bill gets a thrill, Telli...

I walked into a mountain cave, And, found the bones that would mark my grave, Then, in walks a two-headed yeti with claws, And, long s...

Gordo slayed a dragon so big, He couldn't haul it away with his donkey-cart rig, So, he decided to stay, And, ate well for one day, ...

Purvis the snake liked to look up at the sky, He imagined his his meals in the clouds on the fly, Purvis would often wish, He saw either ...

Out in my backyard, Stood a maple tree on guard, Beneath it's tower, Was my patio of power, Where stories flowed from every bard...

I bought an  expensive piece of lake frontage land, A million dollar mortgage, I signed with my hand, I live barely week to week, Higher wag...

My old hound dog peed on the floor, and he drained a swamp, My contractor slipped on the floor, and is now on work comp, What could I do? My...

There once was a snowman named Bill, He always had a bad chill, But, one sunny day, Bill melted away, So, getting warm wasn't a thri...

I picked strawberries that were overly ripe, And, the juice ran off my counter, oh cripe! Of course it takes work and not brains, To get ...

I decided to take a trip to the earth moon, My new spaceship, and I and my dog, named Baboon, My spaceship shifts by stick, We rode it there...

I went to the city theatre, which was located downtown, They wouldn't let me in, so I called the manager a bad noun, Although I have no ...

Willie the sunfish, sent Santa a list, Willie wanted most a watch for the wrist, Jolly Santa wrote to Willy, Told Willy he was silly, But, S...

I bought some healthy meatless protein burger, today, It was rather expensive, for my very low, low pay, I know it is a costly waste, But I ...

Listen, hark, the carrot angel food cake, With chocolate frosting, I did two take, Later I heard, Gurgling gerd, All who ate cake, got a bad...

When I eat off the carpet, everything tastes like feet, And, the water in the toilet tastes worse near the seat, The life of this dog, ...

I went to Canada to see Santa this year, He was in Sault Ste. Marie, training reindeer, I asked him for a pony, And four cheese macaroni, An...

I owned a bed and breakfast, but only cougar came to stay, They all had lots of money, so I didn't turn any away, They dated the local g...

I went to England to visit some kings, But they were all busy doing important things, I had me a draft, Got back on my raft, Paddled back to...

There was a polar bear in my yard, He was eating my neighbor, Mr. Gerard, When the white bear was done, He ate Gerard's son, That hit gr...

In the post-winter apocalypse the snowmen win, They don't have to worry about frozen dead skin, The whirlwinds of ice and snow, On...

Derek the drummer, did drum everyday, He would drum most of the time, since his mom passed away, When Derek got tired, He would just get rew...

In the backseat of a Ford, I play checkers on a board, With Brother Jim, And Sister Kim, I lost, "you cheated", I roared.

Billy applied his sticky salve and creams, So Billy could sleep sound, and have nice dreams, Or else he'd itch, Toss and twitch, And hav...

I sleep best at night if I have some beer, and am very well fed, Then I watch tv shows full of zombies, known as the undead, I say night, ni...

Santa has no toys this year, because he had no money to pay, So he bought some discounted rhubarb, then he loaded up his sleigh, So every go...

Harry didn't like playing harmony, but that's all they'd let him do, Although, Harry was acclaimed at playing the 13 hole kazoo,...

Ron sat on the toilet while listening to Mozart, Ron thought through osmosis, it would make him real smart, Ron had a chemistry test, Yet, i...

Santa Claus left Tim no surprise, Because Tim makes up stuff, then tells big lies, Maybe Tim will now learn, Lies are Santa's concern...

I live in a trailer the county is about to condemn, I wake up each morning with my lungs full of phlegm, My girlfriend left me for a man w...

My psychic with a single card flip, Said I should be leaving a much larger tip, She said my penchant for being cheap, Put the spirit world f...

My plant based protein tasted like glue, I shouldn't have bought it, but who knew? I fried it in a pan, It turned brown from tan, I mixe...

It was a little house on a big  city lot, No one was home, so I decided, make a squat, I lived there a whole year, Then happened, my worst f...

The fiddle played high and the banjo went low, The five string guitar strummed an off key doe, And, the drums sounded wrong, The beat f...

I turned my term paper in too late, Instructor said, it would seal my fate, My grades were too low, So home I would go, I suppose with the f...

Looking at the snow I did ponder, That I could snowboard way out yonder, But, my ponderings were a bust, Termites made my board dust, So...

I like goat cheese so much that I got me a goat, He chewed a hole in my tin boat, now it don't float, He's eyeing my new truck, But ...

I had some chicken fingers but, I should have had chicken feet, Then, when that bear came along he would not have had me to eat, My feet...

I fenced in the barnyard to keep out the big cats, I plugged the holes in the barn to thwart entry by bats, Although, their emotions they hi...

In a blinky of one big eye, A thousand years go bye, bye, bye, I feel just that old, And look it, I'm told, I just turned 12, and wonder...

Someone mean hurt my pigs, when they fed them rhubarb pie, Their bellies swelled up so much, it made my pigs all cry, I pilled each pig with...

I went to social media, and found that I'd been blocked, It was very upsetting, and I was verily shocked, I browsed around seeking reven...

My friends insist that my Smores, just don't taste so good I had no marshmallows, so I subed a piece of wood, Everyone got awfully sick,...