LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Michigan Yeti, Fowl smelling, ill tempered too, Careful, you are food.

  It was dark as I eased down the stairs, It was scary as I looked out for bears, I went to the fridge for a snack, Then, the bears...

Leonard loves magnesium and that's just what he eats, But, when Leonard eats magnesium he soils his good sheets, Leonard goes to the...

The great monster in Skedgemog Lake, The souls of innocents he take, He feeds on flesh and never cake, Old Skeggy the monster in Skedg...

There was a vampire named Lonnie, She turned her girlfriend named Connie, Together with great ease, They fed as they would please, On th...

Two tree monkeys swam way out in the bay, They thought swimming way out was such fun and great play, Then, along came a shark looking for ...

A martian stole my grandfather clock, He came all this way and didn't have a tick-tock, It is quite original, Martian time isn...

Julie the rattlesnake ate nothing but bugs, She spared all the rodents, the frogs and, the slugs, She was once stuck in quicksand all the ...

There was a wart, and it would not die, It was growing on Lenny's left thigh, The wart grew real big, Then out hatched a pig, Then Lenny...

There were some little creepy crawlers that lived between Jeb's toes, When it got really cold out, some of the creepy crawlers froze, Th...

Trombone Suzie was in the college marching band, Trombone Suzie marched across college football land, When Trombone Suzie played, Her school...

I saw a giant pumpkin, eating a fisherman, by the sea, The fisherman had a minnow bucket, so I set the minnows free, I decided to roast the ...

LAVA MONSTER I Lava monster roars, Scares small children, big men, Rock burns, cells make steam. LAVA MONSTER II Burnt feet, face, bac...

I squirrel proofed my bird feeder and made the squirrels mad, They smashed up my solar panels, and smashed them up real bad, Now I have no h...

The minor monster made a slight moan as he mourns, For an elf cut off the monster's favorite horns, The elf had done bad, But horns made...

I went out to check my berry tree, but all the berries had died, The squirrels took all the good ones, and left the ones with worms inside, ...

While looking for socks, I found me a conch shell under the bed, Not sure how long it's been there, but I think the conch is long dead, ...

I do not give out the trick or treats, Just go away you kids, move your feets, Winter grows near, Candy grows dear, With long winter months,...

I went to the Symphony to hear me some Brahms, When I get really stressed out, the Brahms music calms, But, as the Valkyries roared, My bloo...

Willie was a weasel warrior, He read Huck Finn, but not Tom Sawyer, He liked to play hearts, And, occasionally darts, At night he'd ...

I opened a store to sell people a quick lunch, I sold cake, sandwiches and ice cold lemon punch, It was downtown Kalkaska, Not the one in Ne...

I lost my gold nose ring when it fell on the floor, Stolen by a chipmunk, because I left open the door, Chipmunks are such thieves, They hid...

My honey, my funny, the one who makes me feel like me, Moved out of our home, to live on some boards in a tree, Their hair got thin and fuzz...

My psychic told me not to fly, If I did she said I would surely die, So, I did not roam, I stayed at home, I was hit by a meteor from t...

The big rain storm hit so hard that my boat went sinkin', My house collapsed down the hill, like the logs of Lincoln, It rained over 10 ...

There was an old turtle and he fixed antique clocks, He charged a big price for fixing real old tick tocks. With mine, I paid on time, Each ...

Tony started growing whiskers at the age of forty-four, Tony didn't know what to do, he hadn't had whiskers before, Pulling whiskers...

Sammy painted all his toe nails, and he painted them all pink, Then on his face he tattooed a birdie, and used a light blue ink, And Sammy t...

Missy the sunfish, swam with her babies in the bay, They ate little purple snails, they dug out of the clay, Then a fisherman's hook, Ma...

My banana nut bread has been abruptly paused, My cooking stove went out, and it was gas leak caused, The gas leak fixer fella, Smoked cigs, ...

The dumb dinosaur, he just went way too far, When he ate up grandma's old Volkswagen car, Grandma used her big straw broom, It was the d...

The doctor put a patch on top of my eye, Because I would itch it until I would cry, Then I itched the top of my head, Until my hair turned b...

I'm the only one I know that does not have a quantum physics degree, All that fancy math and stuff are just too much for me, I don't...

My favorite pet was a little red goat, The only thing that she would eat was red coat, She would eat mink, wool or leather, But she would ne...

Gym hired a surgeon, who fixed Gym's big nose, While they were at it, they cleaned between Gym's toes, The surgeon removed a tick, A...

TOENAILS Toenails, hard, long, gray, Clippers, dull, tear, pull, pinch, shriek, Toenails, short, jagged.

Gym caught a little fish, the fish called himself Cy, Cy flipped and flopped, he begged, said he didn't want to die, Gym said, "oh ...

I bought a large stretch of real estate on planet Mars, I opened a dealership to sell electric cars, The Martians would not buy, Claimed the...

Mr. B has belly cramps, He thinks he got them licking stamps, The stamps were already sticky, With glue that tastes icky, Now, near to the r...

Big foot hunting in Michigan, Hard to hunt, hard to see, Shot at one once, Turned out to be a tree. Big foot hunting in Michigan, Hard...

I brought home little bedbugs in my shoes, They will bite you all over, if they choose, If you have some blood, They'll make you their b...

My neighbors love their poacher pie, But when the squirrels all disappeared, it made me cry, So because of my neighbors' diet, The fo...

When you die you're supposed to walk into the light, I tried that, but it was too hot and too bright, So, I made me a camp, By a r...

My neighbor weaponized my shovel, and attacked some small ants, The ants were little red biters, and ran up my neighbor's pants, Like a ...

I love to go a pondering, when I am full of wrath, Sometimes I go a wandering, down a muddy path, Sometimes I climb a steep hill, Or, A moun...

Sharp as a pencil that I was, I'm a real hard worker with all I does, But, I ain't been hired so what's the buzz? I got no...

When my noble knight's life came to expire,💀 I took his place by my rights as his squire,👑 I beheaded fire breathed dragons with m...

The monster lurking out behind the fielded corn, We believe from the earth, it was a pumpkin born, But an evil, magic spell, Cast by a rouge...

My latest four cheese homemade pizza, lies in the garbage bin, Everyone said it was a vile thing, that wreaks of sin, I made the pizza from ...

Orlando loved playing the outdoor sport of baseball, He could make the bases, because he was lean and tall, He shocked all the umpires faces...

My psychic told me not to eat out tonight, She said if I did I’d go blind; lose my sight, So, I made dinner at my house, Ate some tainted...

In Freeland, there once was a barn owl, named Beau, In the hen house, Beau saw a banshee named Coe, Coe had an egg thieving plot, But the ba...

Two rattlesnakes snuck up on a bird, They thought their soft rattles, were not heard, Then along came a hound pup, He ate those snakes for h...

Poor Freddy broke his little bone, down in his little knee, And he could not get it fixed, he couldn't pay the doctor's fee, Freddy ...

There once was a old wicked witch, named Alice, She once lived in an old wicked witch palace, The walls were made from bones, Painted in dar...

I had a big pet raven, and he liked to eat canary, He used to eat them by the bunch, like a small, yellow berry, The canary birds worked tog...

I had to find a pair of pliers, because my tooth was throbbing, I already tried a string, in a technique I call doorknobing, My tethered too...

I bought a fancy pet dog, and bought him fancy pet food, I now pretend to be a modern, fancy pet dude, I chum with fancy pet owner frien...

I walked on down to the pond, and there met Mr. Prince Charming, He had invested his nest eggs into Polliwog farming, It was just a terrible...

My mean e-scooter ran far, far away, And, left me laying in the road today, He went so scary fast, Left me wearing a cast, I'm gonna sue...