LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Jeff got out his Vaseline, to grease his cornet slide, Jeff used the slide to stay in tune, so he could blow with pride, Jeff was so proud t...

All the morel mushrooms were being dug up by feral pigs, So, we went out hunting them, by following their pig digs, But, those clever pigs d...

I got a card from Michigan, and this is what it said, That everyone in Michigan, no longer ate fried bread, A bacon grease shortage was the ...

My cow always sat on the railroad tracks, waiting for a train, I decided what my cow needed, was the transplant of a brain, I chose the brai...

I became a kid doctor, like Doogie Hauser, but I did not train, I decided to start at the top, by operating on the brain, For just a couple ...

Outside it was lightning and rainy, And I didn't feel like being brainy, So I got out some chips, To widen my big hips, Watched Housewiv...

There was a bloody, forest beast, who lived behind my chicken shack, And, every one of my neighbors, swears he did them, an attack, So, the ...

I painted a picture of a little tiny shrew, I did not have a frame, so that day I had to rue, So, I built a frame myself, Used the wood from...

There was an old witch who lived up on the hill, Every fall, all the pretty flowers they'd kill, Then when the plants were all bare, Col...

Mr. Peter got angry, alcoholic piney, When the bar cut him off from his red winey, So, he went home to his loft, Put on music, real soft The...

I went on a paid safari to see lions, tigers and more, All I saw were just house cats, barn cats, and a small bore, I just saw kitties, and ...

Benny was not warm, When it started to storm, He was not home at dorm And, Benny failed to inform, His RA named Norm.

I thought the bugs were lying there dead but they were only sleeping, When in the morn the room started to warm, the bugs began a creeping, ...

My pizza,was covered with dead, little fish, The fish weren't a part of my topping wish, I demanded an exchange,, Which pizza guy did ar...

Harry never left his bedroom, green rocker, He did not feel well, had a bad tick toker, Once a big jock at sports, So the paper reports, He ...

My spaceship disassembled, but I kept traveling into space, A disaster it resembled, as I gnawed my lips from my face, My trajectory took me...

I went to answer the front door, and it was AI, It claimed my job and my home, and told me "bye, bye", It claimed my spouse and my...

Jeff was enjoying himself, while watching tv, Jeff was so happy that his cable was free, His apartment neighbor next door, Ran cable under t...

I ordered some packages of pop, The delivery service made a drop, The packages were leaking, A refund I was seeking, Online AI put my reques...

The Loch Ness monster has ate the seahorse, named Flip, From the time we were little, Flip was tied to my hip, Nessie did my Flip wrong, So ...

I love my jam and my jelly, Either one can fill up my belly, And, then there's the other, Called peanut butter, When I mix them, my bell...

Jim's driveway was all washed away, So Jim's trailer is where he had to stay, A vampire was on the loose He bled out Jim's goose...

I found the Loch Ness monster, swimming in Saginaw Bay, I don't know how she got there, but her wake near swamped the quay, Nessie reall...

Alexa told me quite the informative story, She said my limericks were frightfully gory, Alexa told me to be very nice, Write of candy canes ...

I gave money to my favorite, charity cause, It is for AI's who often freeze up, and brain pause, When an AI suffers great stress, It ans...

So, Andy gives me this call, I guess he was lonely, that's all, He said he was sitting all alone, Eating chicken off the bone, Then he w...

I wanted a breakfast sandwich, but did not have any ham, I had no eggs or bacon; all I had was goat cheese and jam, I called my sweetie, dea...

I know an old gruffy goat, named Herb, He chews gravel out next to the curb, Other roughage he avoids, Because of hemorrhoids, Which gravel ...

Ricky drove a pallet jack, unloading dish soap off a truck, Seven long years of college, and Ricky's life did truly suck, Owed 90 thou i...

Larry had a rhubarb farm, and made cherry-rhubarb wine, His wine tasted really good, if on crawdads you did dine, It never tasted good with ...

Betty the cashier, worked at an upscale grocery store, Her drawer came up short, so she was escorted out the door, They said Betty was not t...

Couldn't afford dress pants, for the work dance, At the office, in sweat pants I'd prance,  My boss called me a slob, Removed me fro...

My landline,  nanna left off the hook, My cellphone, my mean nanna had took, I sat all alone, With no friends on the phone, And, decided to ...

I went to Newberry Town to buy some canned chicken, They didn't have any there, for the price I was pickin', I went out to my hen ho...

Cyrus was the master of training productive pigs, Cyrus trained pigs to replace people, driving big rigs, Cyrus made enough money, To marry ...

I decided to get me some newts, They taste really good with mixed fruits, And, they make a nice pet, Although, I ain't found one yet, Th...

I was sitting in my car, Eating quail eggs from a jar, Usually, I'd be eating chips, But my blue jeans, won't hold my hips, I'm ...

Thanks to the tool called "AI", I'm now an unemployed guy, I lost my home and my car, My hubby and guitar, And my wine bottles...

J lost my little star earing, when they put me in jail, I spent two weeks picking cans up, and I still couldn't make bail, So there I sa...

Mr. Bunny eats sweet apple fritters, Mr. Bear eats apex, meaty critters, My food is such a bore, It's from the liquor store, It's al...

If our planet is flat like a board, One could reap a substantial reward, For a vacation that's cheap, One just digs extra deep, It beats...

My summer came to a fast crashing end, I was caught in a tornado, and its rapid spin wind, I was picked up in the air, Pigs flew everywhere,...

Bernard's new love interest got Bernard excited, But Bernard's fixated love, was quite unrequited, His love called him a sleaze, Sai...

In the month of August, Santa got an itchy, buggy beard, Santa couldn't go through customs, because his bugs could not get cleared, Down...

My driver's licence has been renewed, Without it, I would have been subdued, I'd be held tight to the bottom, When the road cops yel...

I flunked my freshman psychology 101 class, Couldn't define psychopath, so they wouldn't let me pass, Dad says college is done, Beca...

I did not know earthworms could bite, so very hard, I was picking them up for fish bait, from my backyard, It was for me, awful bad breaks, ...

Although I got electrocuted when I gave them just a touch, My jumper cables did not jump my battery, very much, So I was stranded on the roa...

I was a ship captain and, my ship sank out on the sea, The only two survivors were my parrot Norm, and me, We swam to a deserted island spot...

As to my radiator that died on the road, I won't write a soliloquy, or even an ode, Although I was demanding, I didn't deserve stran...

Seven brain hungry zombies followed me home, I used a rock and cracked three of them in the dome, I defeated three with a stick, They don...

Gruff was a gnarly old goat, who lived down my road, A half caved-in shack was his palatial abode, He claimed he ate all his cats, But, his ...

Before Benny went back to school, he said, "bye", to Winston Church, Winston is a parakeet, who sits and poops upon his perch, Ben...

I had a little basket of flowers,  I thought they gave me supernatural powers, But, when I made spells for some cash, I got a contagious ras...

I'm due to make a house payment, but I've got a fun joke to play, I'm not going to make the payment, by the scheduled payment da...

AI has replaced my wealth building, good job, The unemployed are my new mates, with whom I hobnob,  I don't have a lot, At the park, whe...

A famous brain scientist showed up, just outside of my homes front door, The smarty wanted my brain tissues, 3-4 pounds, no a thing more, I ...

Crazy Elmer had no roof, to keep his chickens warm and cozy, Then every time the winter came, his poor chickens all got frozey, So Elmer too...

Jimmy gave Joe some breath mints, and insisted Joe should take them soon, Because werewolves were attracted to bad breath, and it was a full...

I became a reporter because I like to snoop, I've always looked for the juiciest scoop, Like the two bears in the woods, Who ate Ridding...