LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I went sailing on a mighty cruise ship, It hit a rock and started to tip, The ship flipped and it dove, Into the bottom it drove, And, the p...

There was an old fella named Mr. Purse, He worked every Tuesday driving a hearse, He ran clear off the road, Out the back went his load, ...

My psychic told me not to eat out tonight, She said if I did I’d go blind; lose my sight, So, I made dinner at my house, Ate some tainted...

Because I have been a very bad boy, My psychic predicts, no afterlife joy, Mildew, fungi and molds, My afterlife unfolds, Just like how they...

I was down in the bunker, and was attacked by three bees, One flew in my ear, the others attacked my weak knees, I fell to the floor,  And w...

Leon the toad, got bit by a big tick, That made Leon the toad, incredibly sick, The internet thought funny, When Leon became runny, So, Leon...

It was often, almost never said, That anyone worked as slow as our Fred, He worked so slow, Didn't start or go, But he'd smile, when...

I loved my birdie, more than I loved my mommy named Flo,  Mommy left his cage door open, and out birdie did go, He flew fast and away, Where...

It was partly in the local news, That batch of gummies, no good for chews, Gummies hard as steel, Not tender like veal, Why so hard? No one ...

Leon's rockets would almost always explode, Because he didn't understand physics and weight load, Many laughed and saw funny, But Le...

My pet peacock believes that he comes from Mars, I think he spends too much time in bars, He staggers home late at night, Unable to gain...

I used to have some really decent digs, Then, my roommates moved in and they were pigs, The bathroom was obscene, Yet, they still were un...

200 vloggers went to the video store, They bought video cameras, that kind of stuff and more, Then, they all went to dine, And, drank fancy,...

No matter what poor Karen couldn't tan, So, she tried drawing one on with a crayon, She couldn't get the right hue, So, she just ...

There was a small sunfish named Ray, He lived way out in the great bay, He fell in love with a blue whale, Named Darlene Abigail, And th...

I have a cantankerous bat, He thinks he's special but, he just ain't all that, He gave me a chronic case of scabies, With an acute c...

Jamie was a red squirrel, who had a mind of cut-throat reason, Jamie's mind decided that with the fox he'd commit some treason, So f...

Bob works as a cardboard box bailer, They bail the boxes from parks called trailer, Bob bores, bailing box after box, Worse than caffeine de...

Dulles had an IQ over 180, He could never find a best matey, Humans would kiss and squirm, Like a non-tactical worm, Like the ones Dulles us...

I eat so many chippers and kippers, I'm growing roots and a nice set of flippers, Chips and kips is all I eat, Never touch red/white mea...

The oceans all boiled away, Where they went no one can say, A world that's hotter,  Without any water, Is a place I'm not going to s...

Barry was really young and very skinny, So to him, the extreme heat was a winny, His parents would whine, But, Barry felt extra fine, Until,...

With Richie, I am quite annoyed, For where I locate, he will avoid, He has someone brand new, So I'm sad, boohoo blue, When crossing pat...

I was growing some big people's beans, They grow four inches long, off their greens, They are hard as oak wood, If you can chew them, th...

Bob went to Newberry to see his cousin's skunk babies, They were cute little stinkers, but they gave Bob the scabies, Mange in his under...

Leon the toad was hanging out with his guys, They were eating crawling bugs and small flying flies, Leon sucked down a bee, The bee attacked...

I painted my black and white cat, He was playing with a squeaky-toy rat, I sold the painting for big cash, So, I'm painting more mish...

I decided to sweep the floor, It had never been done before, But, the floor was so sticky, My broom got all ichy, So, I ruged the place from...

The bouncer wouldn't let the toad into the club, The all dressed up toad, felt deep hurt from the snub, Toad got into his car, Drove dow...

My refrigerator is infested with the bug called, the flea, When I open the refridge door, they jump out all over me, Now I itch and scratch,...

Zombies complain that they don't have nice stuff Of course, Zombies tend to live in the ruff, They have no schooling, Always leaking and...

Werewolves are never any fun, They just eat you, and leave you, they're done, For a true love, a friend, Wouldn't consume you in the...

I made a tapestry of flowers laying on some straw, Everyone who saw it, had a gaping jaw of awe,  I sold the tapestry for money, I shared th...

I confiscated the contraband I found in my yard, It was 2 years worth of wet toilet paper I didn't discard, I dried it out with gas heat...

There once was a mouse named Tookey, She stole while no one would lookey, She once stole a hair dryer, And, an outdoor turkey fryer, She ret...

The bears threw a New Year's party, but Bob was not invited, Last time he got stinking drunk, and the toilet, he blighted, After those p...

Hannibal came from Hamtramck, His paintings are moody, dynamic, He's been spray painting clowns, All angry with frowns, He stopped t...

I went to a restaurant to eat bacon and eggs, They said the only protein they served, walked on two legs, It was a zombie cuisine, Special w...

I don't speak good German, and my French is even worse, When I try speaking Latin, I get called disgusting and perverse,   But the langu...

There are little cuties called "Nubins", who fell out of the sky, Interplanetary invaders, who make you laugh till you die, They...

Eli tried to conduct the band, He couldn’t read music and soon got canned, So he took a music course, Learned the power of the force, Du...

My doctor said, doctors once cured people by making them bleed, I replied that modern doctors make people bleed, because of greed, My doctor...

My legs are real sore, Circulation is poor, I drink just red pop, For health reasons should stop, Because at night the red pop makes...

He set his bun upon his left knee, Upon his right, he set his tea, From his left jacket pocket, he pulled some ham, From his right pocket, h...

I found a blue planet in Galaxy Nine, But, my landing on it, I had to decline, The planet was surrounded by roids, With few in-between ...

I went out to pick the fruit of cherry, When I crossed paths with Bloody Mary, She had an ax, Took a head tax, My headless bod, she bothered...

I found a huge frozen toad on the street, I thought I'd finally have something to eat, I named my frozen toad Willie, Went t...

Everyone is desperate to move to the moon, But there's no air to breath; no place to spoon, It's hard to get water, To drink and flu...

Dan went to visit the pyramids of mars on vacation, It was a hot dry place, that alien nation, As the day got even hotter, Dan ...

Pointy Fingers shoved his finger way up inside his nose, Then he started bleeding from his nose, upon his cloths, Pointy Fingers really did ...

The badger and the wolverine did not play very well, I had to scold them both, and make them lie down for a spell, But, why should my sc...

I like catching my fish dinner on my boat, But, to clean the fish I need be remote, So, instead of eating fish from my boating, I buy c...

I have a little pet, named Gerbil Jones, I let him chew on all the chicken bones, When he turned five and twenty, I figured I fed him plenty...

I love to eat tasty, butter fried prawns, I eat a big plate when the sun makes new dawns, It's my breakfast meal, With fish smelly appea...

My fortunes were dismally down, So I went to see the royal crown, Because I protested, I was arrested, And sentenced to dress as a clown.

On my fishing trip I forgot my frying pan, So, off to the store I quickly ran, But, at the nearby store called Corn Cobs, They had onl...

Ben went out hunting for deer, He just had a sharp stick for a spear, Ben found a ten point buck, But Ben had no luck, His spear failed, and...

Jimmy was a belligerent spud; in the fields he became a dictato, He promised spuds glory and land, by taking lands from the tomato, The toma...

I have a pet protozoa named Drudge, He once was a powerful judge, But Drudge was so corrupt, His term ended, abrupt, Now he's a microbe ...

I went deep into the forest and what the heck did I find? A fat little gnome chewing on a watermelon rind, The watermelon was of course stol...