LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

My foot stepped upon a toadstool, now I feel like a toad, I have this inclination, to sun myself out in the road, First I'll eat a coupl...

Stinging bees have such perfect bloodhound powers, They can find you, even if you take showers, For all the rest of the day, I'll be in ...

It was the 4th Of July and the wolves in the woods, Were eating all campers, wearing red ridding hoods, They smelled like hotdogs some say, ...

Authorities won't let me have fireworks, because last year I burned down a house, This year I can only have sparklers, when supervised b...

My sister was always working her trig, While I ate Newtons made out of fig, I called her a bright girl, She called me a squirrel, She got a ...

I made me a burger but it was a food fail, When I bit into the meat I found a toenail,  Couldn't tell from which creature, Came the unsi...

I bit down on a rig in my roll, Turned out it was anthracite coal, It broke the teeth in my jaw, Now I can't chew chaw, That roll took a...

I went churning through space and time, To find me the best limerick rhyme, Didn't know why they'd care, But police were everywhere,...

Jimmy had cracker explosions for the 4th Of July, He ate olive  bologna with sauerkraut on rye, So with each sky boom, boom, Jimmy let off a...

Someone gave me some green grass to eat, Couldn't eat it, because it was too sweet, So I cast it on the fire, Then things became real di...

I decided to build my own electric car, brand new To make it light, I used tin foil for the bod, light blue, The batteries for my car, Came ...

I awoke with my nose holes all full of thick slag, My tears turned my pillow into a soggy tea bag, I had cried all through my sleep, ...

I blasted upward in my spaceship to visit off-planet land, However, everywhere I went I found nothing, but deep sand, Then far out among the...

I went to Lake Woebe and found the lake was gone, There was not any water, or cabins with green lawn, There were fish stuck in the mud, So m...

Last night I drank some tap water, now this morning I'm a frog, I then went outside and hopped around, undercover of the fog, I hopped d...

I made a batch of cookies, and they turned out way too small, Someone told me they were cookie crumbs, and weren't cookies at all, From ...

I'm having an autopsy on my goldfish to see why he died,😭 Yesterday, I took him from his bowel with me to have fun at Pride,🌈 He seeme...

I went out back of the high school to march with the dress band, I was the only one there, save for the bear eating a hand, I forgot my bear...

I ran out of tin foil, now the state owns my brain, With no shinny tin hat, I'm completely insane, To remember what's true, On my to...

I do all math using my fingers and toes, So twenty is the biggest number I knows, But the landlord wants more, Than just one single score, O...

There was a great fish; a big alpha male, He ate the other fish, from head to tail, His body got stronger, Wider and longer, He choked to de...

I went down to The Chicken Freak to get me some dip and chicken, I caught them preparing their secret dip, that included a spell of Wiccan, ...

I went to Michigan to sell homemade molasses, But everyone who looked at it, gave my molasses, passes My molasses did not sell, The stress w...

There was a little Rupert, and he was completely made of toe, And everywhere that Rupert went, the foot felt it had to go, Rupert was the bi...

A rainbow got real close to the ground, It's vibration made a humming sound, The humming made my mind go clown,,  I quickly drank my sod...

There once was this squirrel, his name was Russel, He worked really hard, that squirrel could hustle, He hoarded nuts in nut season, Buildin...

I went to parties and brought to them zing, Because I wore lots of solid gold bling, But all my gold got stole, From my bedroom bling bowl, ...

Some shoes bend left, some shoes bend right, Shoes hurt like a chainsaw, if too tight, My toes come in twos, To fit left-right shoes, Shoes ...

My entire universe consists of strings, I put strings on fiddles and banjos and things, I run string for cloths lines, I string tie-up grape...

When I was laying deep down in the ground, Many thousands of earthworms came around, Then the maggots hatched out, They squirmed all about, ...

I caught buckets full of Vonny fish, with bonnets on their heads,  They taste great on a sandwich, made with pumpernickel breads, Then with ...

I drank contaminated tap water, and got sick as a dog, Then I turned into a girly frog, In a pond by some trees, I laid my babies, They'...

I've never seen so many big skeeters, Some of them are as long as eight meters, Why they grow so darn big, No scientist can fig, We must...

I moved into a skyscraper that scraped across the sky, It swayed, and it was scary, and I started to cry, Then the lightening gave a peal, A...

I decided to raise fish in the ponds on my farm, I figured it couldn't do anyone any harm, But a catfish got so big, He swallowed my pri...

I decided to fix up my crumbling digs, By making money raising razor back pigs, But one pig was no fool, He sued to attend school, Now he...

When you see a bear, I know you'll have to stroke his nose, But don't be afraid, when it seems his sharp teeth grows, When you walk ...

I wanted candy cigarettes but could find none, anywheres, Then I heard tell those cigs were kept by two old woodsy bears, At their cabin in ...

I once knew a vampire, who mixed his blood with prune juice, He said that he did it, to keep his bowels loose, He said in year 607, He got t...

Katy was a mountain lion, who really loved to eat, She only snacked on campers, because campers are so sweet, Katy would eat the campers dow...

The bears are hungry and out eating again, Best be good and not mess with the abominable sin, Some bears live in cabins, some live in deep t...

In the mornings, it's been bone aching cold, That makes me all grumpy, so I've been told, But it does always warm, Before a big ligh...

There was an alligator in my cow pond, and he ate every cow, He ate my cats and rabbit, and he ate the dog that went "bow wow" I s...

Johnny picked a giant booger, and that booger was record big, It was such a giant booger, Johnny really had to dig, Johnny felt some awful p...

I was fishing on the river and snagging all my hooks, I was always breaking line, and my hooks the river tooks, I got down on one knee, And ...

When trunk slammers go north,  the locals assume their station, They always smile and act real nice, or suffer a tip cessation,  They're...

Polly was a pizza, and had no time for life, She had a pretty pizza face, until it touched the knife, Cut into pie pieces, Fed to nephews an...

I'm a Michigan tourist guide, taking people to find swampy bugs, It's a fab, fab tour, but you must bring lunch and a couple of jugs...

There was a big old opossum, swimming in my bath tub, His presence didn't bother me, after he gave a back rub, It was an eye opening fin...

I went to jail and it was full of mean, nasty screws, They kept writing me up for making toilet bowel booze, So I could not stay real nice, ...

In order to inflate your hips, Just eat bacon and potato chips, A little ham, Builds your belly, bam! Then add more pounds with blue cheese ...

I went to the barn and found some moist, chocolate cake, It was laying in hay, still a big piece I did take, It was a trifle bit runny, And ...

Donny would sit in his cell, He would scream, he would cry, he would yell, He got stood up on a date, With a prison block mate, And ding don...

My chives have done poorly, because their bucket has no hole, They just sit rotting in water, I'm afraid they have lost their soul, Shou...

I got a toy train for Christmas, but I just got it out of the box, It's almost the 4th of July, and I'm stuck home with the chicken ...

Two old Teddy bears lived way out in the backwoods, They made rainbow candles, sold through shops in the hoods, Then they diversified, Makin...

Frankie was known as a weird little tasar, Frankie was famous as a tasar trailblazer, He gave bad guys a scare, By burning their hair, Frank...

Out in the woods lived two bears named Earl and Roy, They sometimes ate acorns, but fed on mostly soy, One day, from their cabin they came o...

Harry Hermit could do both divides and also times, Harry Hermit got confused, when he tried doing primes, His geometry proofs went slow, Abi...

Today I come back from fishing with a load of Rainbow trout,🐟🌈 I usually do real lousy, so today I'm gonna tout, I fried them in a pan...