LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

I went out in the sun and got photon abused, I got peeling, burnt skin, and the sun I've accused, Then after puppy was fed, I went real ...

A phantom ate all my ripe, yellow bananas, and then said something really nice, He said my bananas were the perfect yellow, and tasted good ...

I had some wattle and clay, and built a brand new house, It stunk so very bad, I lost four cats and my spouse, But without delay, I made a f...

My kite is flying high in the sky, How it's there?  I don't know why, It ain't no joke, My kite cord broke, Near a year ago, thi...

When my birdie died there was a health concern, So his remains, I was ordered to "quick, burn", He went into the fire of no return...

I eat mostly the legs off chicken, I eat down to the bones, where I find slim pickin, I drink applesauce, Till I'm sick and toss, Bird a...

I knew my old woodstove would need fuel, if I were to survive, So I stole fuel from the nuke plant where I work, some uranium--235, As I was...

My rent had fallen into arrears, My landlord chastised me into tears, I drank a cold pop, And played some hip-hop, Then got evicted, and thr...

I drove up north really fast, So my time at my vacay would last, I rolled the car while speeding, My bod starting bleeding, Now, I'm sit...

There is a house painter named Steves, He only paints right under the eaves, He leaves the rest of the house, For his unlucky spouse, Steve ...

My little potato plant would not grow, I asked it why? It did not know, When under it, I dug, I found the tubers, snug, I un-snugged the tub...

A law was just passed saying you could no longer eat chicken, If you were caught eating bird you'd get a public licken, A punishment of ...

I bought some worm castings to mix into my soil, So I could grow tulips without the hard toil, But my doggie Ruff Ruff, Ate my worm castings...

I planted my tomatoes in an old tin pot, The pot had no drain, so they got the root rot, My tomato plants went dead, Cautionary tale, tis sa...

The Little Crawdad, that is me, I swim with the fish in the sea, When my day is done, I catch myself one, So I can have a kipper with tea.

Grandma was upset to see an apple worm in her apple juice, I two fingered out the worm so grandma would drink, that I deduce, I was out of l...

They used the defibrillator, to start Benny's heart back up, He now must lower cholesterol, so no more bacon cheese steaks, for sup, Alt...

The fog was so thick, it blinded my eyes, On the road ahead, I did not know what lies, Well, it was a bear, A grizzly affair, The bear pulle...

I walk with Miss Sally towards the shadow of Beth, Though it be a torture, it's better than death, Sally and Beth did not tarry, After h...

Jim cannot tell a tomato from a potato, anymore, Those brain cells must have died, when he walked into that door, All the vodka, flavored ch...

I needed to go to market to get me some dill, All would be fine, but the market is up the hill, That's where my car will not go, Uphill;...

My fishing rig, A plastic worm on a jig, Caught a fish, Don't I wish, Super is a plastic worm and a cig.

I had a little bitty skunk, his name was Uncle Ed, He stunk up the house, the barn, and even my red sled. My mate complained about the smell...

My tomatoes turned from pink to a tan-green, I should not of coated them with my sunscreen, But, in the sun they got hot, Boiled dry, withou...

When I was a kid, I was a nerd, not a fool, I started chess club at my elementary school, I was always the spelling champ, My tests got only...

I am the Red Dragon and I like to roar, I got to eat people, nothing good at the store, I tried some cheese, But it made me sneeze, It's...

Ed didn't know there were so many peasants, until Ed took a leak, Ed found a hundred peasants, swimming in the public pee-in creek, It w...

It was cold in the morning, so Ben boiled some rice, To give it good flavor, Ben buttered it twice, To give his bowels some torque, Ben adde...

I got thumb screws for Father's Day, and I don't have any kids, I got the screws from my business pal; our biz is on the skids, To s...

The filth in my house gives my house an A+ rat rating, That's why I'm left home alone, with my family vacating, With the rats I'...

The giant green dragon, Bent my best red wagon, My wagon is sagging, Dragon tail is rear dragging, I'm a cursed little pagan.

Zombies celebrate Mother's Day in the afternoon, Werewolves only celebrate, if there be a full moon, Vampires celebrate after dark, Then...

I use to know a little peasant, he was really, really poor, I'd toss him a penny, if he promised not to ask for more, Well, he saved eve...

Some weekends I lose my Saturday, like it's zero seconds long, Sometimes I go out Friday night, and things just go real wrong, It starts...

Timmy eats only macaroni, if it's shaped in little bows, Timmy only goes outside, when the winter wind, it blows, Timmy has a pet mounta...

There was this very crazy guy, everyone called him Lou, Planted a veggie garden and not a single veggie grew, He bought a little Jeep, It we...

I wish all moms on mom's day, Happy thoughts all the way, And, after each evening storm, To wake up warm, Like sunshine on the bay. ...

I cook delicious food while listening to music in c minor, That's why I call my restaurant "The C Minor Diner", I use to liste...

Mabel had no Listerine, She lost her boyfriends, Fred and Dean, She had the breath of a bear, With poor hygiene care, A smell so strong, som...

I had a cow named Betty Goose, She became with calf every time she got loose, Of course the babies I'd steal, To make myself veal, Marin...

Perky Paul had pretty, blue eyes, All believed him, when he told lies, Perky Paul,  Had a margin call, His investors went broke, because the...

I decided I was going out in the woods to hunt squirrel, I took along with me my favorite hunting hound, Pearl, But the squirrel was big and...

My spaceship travels faster than light, That means time travel, and it's a delight, Maybe some ancient Greece, Might give me some peace,...

Mabel had no Maybelline, Even though, she had washed up clean, With her friend Loren, They went out to buy corn, Couldn't buy steaks; th...

Bob didn't brush his teeth, and they all got really rotty, Then a dentist Bob saw, and the dentist got snotty, Bob then went out to the ...

My pet, Toad went out to eat some early, springtime bugs, But he got really cold, and asked for my hot hugs, Unlike the mammalian form, Toad...

My tomato plant did not get very tall, It was fine, until we had the snow squall It would of had a life of green, If the warm sun it had see...

Lightning booming,  booming in the dark cloudy, morning sky, It hits so close, me thinks I will be going bye, bye, bye, What a way to die, L...

Cold rainy weather makes us feel pain called, the cruds, The arthritis pain, we fight with the suds, We want mosquitos to bite, To take our ...

I went to the Derby to get some horse honey, But, I lost my big bet now I have no more money, So, I'll go back to the shop, Where I...

I always wanted a didgeridoo, So, I went to Australia for one with Kung Fu, But, a dingo gave a bite, Now, my mind ain't quite ...

There was a dragon named Bill, His roar would give all a chill, But, when he would tire, He’d loose all his fire, Then, he’d stand there...

Murky is the water where I catch my perch, It's just a drainage ditch out near the canyon's old stone church, It isn't all t...

Benny bought cheap glasses, and could barely see, He used a soccer ball, when he went golfing with me, The ball didn't travel far, But i...

My Venus Fly Trap kills the flies, It even eats the little guys, It is so sad, I feel so bad, I cannot look them in the eyes.

My name is Ben Davey, I did party at every ravey, I joined the U.S. Navy, Because I liked the gravy, When I leave port, I give the shore a w...

I don't like it when the dog kisses me on my lips, My hound Bubba kisses me after I eat salty kips, He don't kiss when I eat sardine...

I went into the village to find me some heat, I found a huge box, lying free in the street, I just got moved in, And along comes my kin, I l...

I use to go fishing with Toad, He had a boat, but on it, he owed, Then real early one morn, Before the deer left the corn, The bank took the...

Two ducks travel with me in my Ford Motor car, On long trips they pee in an old mason jar, But one was wise-craken,   The other laugh-quacke...