LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Hank went fishing in his boat with a hook, line, sinker and bobbin, Fish were biting, but off his hook the worms they were robbin, Then alon...

Poor Lucinda got real bad sick, and turned a white and chalky way, She ate poison tree bark, and putrefied into the clay,  Lucinda had no mo...

I went to the tavern called Sea & Sun, and there was a drinking fairy, It was on May the 1st, so I thought a drunk fairy, scary, But ho-...

Benny wanted a much better tea, One that gave him great joy and much glee, Benny found a great taster, Now he's not a tea waster, But he...

I wanted to grow only cash crops, I planted that corn seed that pops, But the sun got so hot, The seed popped on the spot, Crows are eating ...

I ran into a zebra, and he kissed me on the face, He had a big sloppy tongue, smelled like pork in a meat case, I tried not to hurt feelings...

My email said I was terminated, Said my last check would be prorated, It would reflect my slow pace, 1/3 of my pay base, I felt cheated, and...

I eat maggots because they taste so good, I eat maggots because I feel I should, I eat maggots with a dash of clay, Cannot crawl out my bell...

If I have to drink tea again, I'm going to resign, Some days I want coffee, some days I pine wine, In kindergarten, all day, I am stuck ...

The first flies of spring were busy buzzing at my door, Then, I tapped them with a fly swatter and, they went straight down to the floor, ...

I got me an old hen, but I ain't got no corn, So my Cornish hen, I cannot fully adorn, I got some chickpeas, And some salt from the seas...

Artificial intelligence is what I really need, If I had the AI, maybe I could learn to read, Went to church school every summer, Killed my b...

I got artificial intelligence, so I went to ask my doctor "why?" He told me it was an inherited disease that I'll have until I...

Whilst I cleaned fungus, from between my toes, at Lou's, An alien from mars, stole my brand new blue/pink shoes, That Martian, done a re...

I got depressed when I got left by my Phil, So I got me some dill seeds and grew me some dill, My licenced dill farm, Done no one no harm,  ...

My toad likes to nibble my ears, I said, "stop, or I'll cut off your beers", He did not stop, So he's drinking just pop, B...

My big spaceship; it went boom, Some said it was my financial doom, But I got all the money, From my government honey, Politicians, I know h...

I launched a big, big spacecraft, and it blew up in the sky, I lost a billion dollars, the people below the ship, only die, Lucky I got a su...

My pet squirrel ran up a tree, For I had trained him to pick the nuts for me, Then, along came an eagle, And, he did something illegal, ...

My roommate is a dirty dog, He ate my groceries, he is such a big hog, The toilet he won’t flush, Or give it a brush, To ask him to swee...

I was attacked by zombies, and they were my kith and kin, They opened my head, ate my brains like sardines in a tin, Fed kids who were poor,...

Some guy got lost way out in my woods, We robbed him, we were dressed with yellow hoods, I told him, "follow my bro, The Toad", ...

Little Three Beans loved his salty, sippy soups, He use to love salads, but they gave him poops, Three Beans never eats meats, Because they ...

There was a little vampire, who bit me on my leg, I implored him not to, because my leg was a wood peg, He then felt lots of grief, When he ...

Why do they call it Florida, instead of Florido? Would you rather call it duh, or rhyme it with kangaroo?  Names should be real sweetie cute...

The zombies came for a meal of my brains, I killed them with my saw that spins chains, Zombie parts flew everywhere, Smell attracted a big b...

My snow machine didn't stay on the designated trail, When a tree stoped the machine, my bod went for a sail, The tree trunk was quite ha...

I love the birth day of the spring, It lures me to both jig and sing, But the snow, It did not go, It's kinda a loose string.

My fajita fell onto the kitchen floor, I was sad because I couldn't make anymore, I had no meats, veggies, cheeses, To make a fajita t...

Every time Tim fell in love,💘💘💘 his love was unrequited,💔💔💔  Though Tim's hurt gave him great misery😿😿😿💦💦💦,Tim's love wa...

My brother, from the time he was six, Was crawling with head lice and ticks, He had bug away power, By taking a shower, And anti-itch cream ...

My company moved over seas, Now, I'm broke and down on my knees, My boss is well fed, I'm starving and half dead, I'd eat sn...

There once was a wise moose named Fred, Everyone would do just as Fred said, Fred said to swim like an otter, Drink your weight in water, Th...

I thought I would make a car phone, So, I got a long cord on a loan, But, the cord didn't reach car, Now, I'm still in my car, A...

Carl went fishing and stepped on a hook, It hurt really bad and he didn't want to look, He had caught his big toe, And, Carl didn't ...

While ma worked as a seamstress for grocery pay, Grandma watched Dorothy each and every day, Dorothy was real small, Grandma, big and tall, ...

Otto's tummy cramped real bad, That made Otto very sad, Then Otto did a pass, Of a hard, hard mass, It was the largest mass Otto ever ha...

I went out strolling with some little Easter Bunnies, They ate Easter markdown chocolates, and got the Easter runnies, The sick bunnies made...

I'm drifting toward a mega star,💀 In my new blue spaceship car,😞🚙 You just don't get a gravity pass,😒 When your car runs ...

Whenever Johnny ate chicken, You could hear his teeth go a clickin', He sucked the meat off the bones, With the most vulgar tones, And o...

🐖🐖🐖My little pet pig ran off to be free,🐷🐷🐷 But, hunters got him as he hid in a tree,😱😭🐗 Not knowing his name was Sam,🐽🐽🐽 The hu...

Oh daffodil, Oh daffodil, Please pop your flower and greet the spring, For only your iconic flower, Will give my winter wo...

I ordered pizza for dinner on Easter Day, Topped with boiled eggs, ham and, a chocolate bunny display, But, it was so sad, For the boiled...

I went to dear camp and I got a big scare, My face was chewed off by an old grumpy bear, I tried running, But the bear wasn't funning, H...

Rocko went swimming and got the parasites, Drilled into his skin when he turned out the lights, Boy did they bite, They gnawed in real tight...

I brought home an elephant, but I think I'll take him back, The first thing he did was tear the walls off of my shack, Then he knocked d...

So a backwoods wedding I could caters, I went out out and dug some taters, The main dish, squirrels, Gave the guests bad hurls, None wanted ...

I am a small spider that got washed away, Now I am stuck on the ground, in the wet clay, So I'll swim like a duck, Climb up from the muc...

There once was a little monkey named Cy, When he smelled a banana, he'd cry, It reminded him of mommy, She was accused being commie, The...

The garbage pickup runs real slow, Why that is, I really don't know, Number of bears, grow, Cheered on by a crow, Or, is it a Raven, lik...

Benny bigfoot went to a bar owned by bears, They did not want to see him, but his roar gave them scares, After he drank a few brew, He fe...

Dave went out into the woods to poach his self some eggs, The eggs had baby chicks within, complete with little legs, That made Dave feel re...

Dave poached deer in seven counties, And, on his head there were twelve bounties, But, Dave saw a need, He had mouths to feed, Now, ...

I suppose I should plan an April Fool's joke, One not so scary it would make someone croak, Maybe one big surprise, A day I tell n...

"Promises, promises" my fiance would say, She said that to  me almost every day, Then, she became most annoyed, When I chose to...

I played my trumpet, but it was not near in tune, I got lots of complaints from the conductor, real soon, I admitted my sin, Tuned with the ...

Because I did not well in school, My teachers called me the school fool, Not a teacher's pet, I'm a Cub Scout vet, Lost my front tee...

Some zombies eat brains, ears, noses and guts, I know a zombie that eats only pistachio nuts, He eats in the stores, Spills most on the floo...

I had no dollars in my pocket, So I couldn't buy a bottle rocket, So to feel more fine, I expressed online, To the world, I did Tic Toc ...

I wrote for class a little song, Graded "F", grammar was wrong, I played pingpong, A game of Kong, Then watched monster movies all...