LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

It's the holiday known as "April Fools", It's the day they close down all the schools, Daddy locks up his power tools, Mom...

I had no dollars in my pocket, So I couldn't buy a bottle rocket, So to feel more fine, I expressed online, To the world, I did Tic Toc ...

I wrote for class a little song, Graded "F", grammar was wrong, I played pingpong, A game of Kong, Then watched monster movies all...

Bills are up, cash flow is down, I skip my sup, don't go to town, And I'm thinking, This is stinking, I ate pet gup, poor makes me f...

He just rose up from the dead and started eating people's brains, But after eating all that gray matter, no memories he retains, I thoug...

I built a huge rocket and flew it to Mars, It never got there, but blew up and made stars, They were all very shinny, Did not last; just too...

I filled my pies with my special chili, To share with my sig other namely, Willie, But he didn't like my pies, Which brought tears in my...

Donny bought a can of Mackerel for a special keto diet, Mackerel tasted just so, so, but Donny thought that he should try it, The mackerel m...

Benny the mackerel was awfully bad, He scared Sid the goldfish and made Sidney sad, So I sent Benny away, Out into the bay, Where he got can...

I went swimming in a scum-pond, wearing shorts, My body got covered with black, squishy warts, I scissored them off, But developed a cough, ...

Mostly mackerel was in the can, Along with stones, and a rubber ban, It was dry and chunky, And not cracker dunky, The fish was all green, a...

I like laying eggs in the sand, Biting fingers off a human's hand A swim in the sea, Is the life for me, I'm a turtle, in a shell, l...

My dinosaur, she pogo-sticked, Until upon her, a dog was sicked, But she ran away fast, Dog's pursuit did not last, It seems that dog wa...

Me thinks my stew meat was foreign born, From overhead flypaper the wind doth torn, But, the stew isn't for me, So, I'll just lea...

I once knew this big bad dinosaur, and his name was Tex, Tex got in a bar fight, and ate a Tyrannosaurus rex, Tex was well endowed, With a v...

My dinosaur, she ran away, To the park, where she could play, She drank some pond water, Sat on the teeter-totter, Then slid down the slide;...

A woody was pecking a hole in my door, A rat was gnawing up through my vinyl floor, Then a buck and a doe, Smashed through my window, Next c...

When I took my time machine back to the Old West, I spilled a beer on Doc Holliday's new vest, Now, he didn't say too much, But, ...

Little Goody-Two-Shoes has turned me in once again, It seems that my loud, obscene music is a nasty sin, However, Little Goody-Two-Shoes, Do...

My neighbor was born with an extra arm and  a hand, To find a shirt that would fit him he searched over the land, Then, on one flea market...

There was a little tea pot, And, it began to leak, It electrified the electric stove, That made the cook really freak, The cook ran out...

I wanted to paint my bedroom with colors that make me smile, So I bought a bunch of discount paints and painted for a while, My bedroom is s...

There was a vampire named Barry, He drank blood, but was allergic to dairy, He ate some ice cream, Then started to scream, His mouth bec...

Jamie had a big fish on his fishing line, Jerked, and jerked the pole held up just fine, Joey held the net, Hard, the fish was to get, And, ...

Davy has amazing hips, He acquired, eating chips, A genetic fluke, gave him fish lips, His favorite protein is canned kips, Guzzles beer, wa...

I bought several  shares of stock , I lost so much money my teeth I did hock, I thought I had ivory to spare, Thought I'd grow a new ...

Our flight was delayed by 29 hours, Nobody could get to any showers, When everyone sneezed, The entire planed wheezed, Then we landed in som...

As Donny's belly pressure grew alot stronger, He realized his belt size was becoming wronger, The fat fryer got the blame, That blame se...

I lost my teeth playing tetherball, That smack in my face should have been a foul call, They almost called my next of kin, And, the gu...

I wanted to try a magnificent pillage,😈 So I went over to the neighboring village,😁 They had swords over there,😧 I lost head and hair,😢 ...

I took an aptitude test for a job, While eating buttery corn on the cob, The results of my test, Said the job I'd do me best, Was stuffi...

My table wine did not taste so good, Flavored like the polish I use on wood, My eyes turned dark green, Hurt in kidneys, liver spleen, Disco...

I eat chicken for every meal, And to and from work; behind the wheel, I like chicken for a night snacky, Or any hunger attacky, And corn bre...

The creatures plot against me; those that live beneath the snow, They are watching my every move; when I come and go, The snakes, the rats, ...

I fell off a cliff and broke many a good bone, Didn't hurt while I fell, that changed when I hit stone, My mind conjured a thread, With ...

I jumped into my boat and was bit by a giant rattlesnake, I did not know how it got there, but I was at ole Skedgemog Lake, I tried running ...

A leprechaun ate my garden of daisies, When I saw my garden, I got the crazies, So I grabs me a stick, For that leprechaun, sick, But, he ta...

Because Donny's diet he darn, done quit, Donny's massive girdle did not quite fit, So Donny's fab brand new suit, Was a tailor...

Barry was a tweetie-birdie, But, his tweets were way too wordy, So, he quit using the vowel, On verbs, he threw in the towel, His tweets...

When there's big sunshine, I feel warm, fine, Fresh air with a whiff of pine, I own the day; it's mine, On the back porch I ...

Down the mountain I skied with fantastic skill And the mountain I skied was no bunny hill, Then came a horrible stumble, I took a half mile ...

Down the highway my car went fast, spinning, If it were a race, I would have been winning, But there was a glitch, I found a deep ditch, The...

I saw a great big old bear chewing on my neighbor's face, It didn't bother me since it wasn't happening on my place, Then the be...

Paul caught a caterpillar by sticking a finger up Paul's nose, The caterpillar spun a cocoon and that's where a butterfly grows, ...

Joe changes his bath water every 100 days, That's why next to Joe, no one long standing stays, Joe did buy brand new cloths, Perfumed up...

A dragon came to see me and said his name was William Tell, I replied that my name was Anonymous, a troll that lived in the well, He didn...

I was told that dinosaurs never existed, I was told my brain was evil and twisted, That was such bad news, That I sang the blues, For that m...

Now I can golf one more hour, That gives me some kind of power, I love to cheat, To win me an eat, I just have to remember to shower.

Little Goat goes to school, He gets straight A's, as a rule, Goat once got a D, In geometry, Teach raised it to an A cause Goat's co...

A little goat ate all my flowers, In record time, with his chewing powers, I had to say "Little goat, go away", Now he lives in a ...

George needed to get his self some chaw, So he traveled down to old Saginaw, When George got off the Bus, The police made a fuss, For George...

There was a little tobacco chewing vole, He lived decrepit in my cereal bowl, He had lost most of his teeth, And, some jaw bone beneat...

Three Harpies sat up in a tree, Waiting still there just for me, They were very rude, They stole my barbequed food, Now when I barbeque,...

Today daylight savings time, it starts, So the idle can run around in their golf carts, But what about me, I have to get up and can’t see...

There once were two peas in a pod, Their names were Maxine and Rod, From their spacious abode, They were cooked, then they goed, Crowded int...

My pet turkey went feral and ate Chewy, the nice dog, Chewy had six puppies to feed, and pets goldfish and frog, A bonfire made things seem ...

Dave just had to start golfing, now that days have gone long, He was all fitted up with new golf shoes and golf thong, Not to be mean, But o...

With one less hour of sleep, I'm afraid, on the road I can't keep, I'll slide off the edge, Then the river, they'll dredge, ...

The authorities are demanding, I give up one hour of sleep, But I'm thinking, that maybe, that sleep I should keep, Daylight Savings Tim...

Little numbers I'm not good to choose, So at dominoes I was destined to loose, So I played at chess, The moves I did guess, I di...