LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

It was the back of the tank, Where my dead goldfish sank, You'd think after his bloat, He'd float like a boat, From the depths, my n...

I tried to use my toaster, I should of used my roaster, The turkey didn't fit, So I had to quit, As a chef I won't be a boaster. 

On the last day of February, I break, From work, a personal day I will take, I lite a firecracker for a boom, Toss it near my brother's ...

I shop stores and yard sales for teapots, I buy them as singles, or in lots, I buy some cause they're  pretty, I buy uglies out of pity,...

A bear and a Bigfoot played tetherball, The Bigfoot won because he was so tall, The bear was a soar loser, And, sour mash boozer, The be...

I went looking for Easter grass, I found some growing under an overpass, I quick stopped my car, But, I was parked out too far, And,...

Ned could smell a person flagellate, from across the sea, Ned could tell if they be flagellating their meds, or meals, or tea, Ned never kep...

There once was a big biker named Farley, He liked to ride around on his Harley, His tire blew out, He flew all about, And landed in a bi...

There was a rainbow trout named Nina, She had a real pretty patina, We had our first date, On my dinner plate, With a dressing called Ca...

Amy made fun of her big sister Ruth, Because Ruth was missing a front baby tooth, But, Ruth’s smile had an appeal, That Amy’s words could...

The sun made my raspberries dry up, So, I have no berries for my sup, Now, I shed many a tear, When my berries ain't here, And, ...

I went to the factory where they shape macaroni like bows, The kind that when you boil it is modestly grows, But, I made a wrong turn, ...

Paul went to the gym, He believed he would become slim, But, Paul loved butter fried rice, And, fried cheese tasted so nice, Paul’s wei...

My little red barn is no more, The snow on the roof pushed the roof to the floor, And, as for my cows, They suffered ouches and oughs, B...

Lizard man hunts in the woods by the bay, Hunting wild boars and pigs that go stray, Lizard man can smell, Hams like a dinner bell, Once...

Icy, sidewalk, slip, Strain, unbalanced, fall, impact, Leg broke, bones heal, spring,

My time loop looped me wrong, I got stuck singing a grade school song, I wanted the college scene, Not the pre-teen in-between, Now ...

My pancakes smell like fungi feet, So no one would give them an eat, My eggs, no one would chance, Because of a smell circumstance, Like dia...

My mailbox sat in a snowbank and the grader was coming near, Soon my mail would be all over, because the grader was no dear, BAM! my mail fl...

One fall I sat in a warm sun driven glow, Then, came the blizzard bringing beaches of snow, I am not vocally proud, I cursed profusely...

I use to have some toes, But yesterday they froze, Along with the point of my nose, So to surgery I goes, Now for my toes and nose, I woes. ...

Went out driving in a snowstorm, and lost my way, Went sliding and gliding into a Lake Huron Bay, The thin ice I tested, By the cold water, ...

I had an adventure out in the snow, It was drifting and drifting and it gave me a blow, I did not feel fine, For the blow broke my spine, No...

I went to a party down state in Pontiac, Woke up in Chum's Corners in a  tin lean-to shack, Felt kind of rough, Ate some strawberry fluf...

There once was a farmer named Hank Thorn He grew the very sweetest sweet corn, But  along came a flood, His field filled with crud, Now ...

My tech is too tightly bundled, It's confusing and it makes me soar, I'd really like to unbundle the stuff, And, through what ...

My fish farm froze with the first deep freeze, A pond so solid you can skate on it with ease, But, I don't care, For I know my fish a...

Last fall out in my garden, I got a tater in my cloths, It made a home in my painter pants, and now it grows and grows, Guessing the fert, I...

Pepper spray was what I used, When by grizzly bear I felt abused, Now, his eyes might be soar, But, me thinks I'm hurt more, Sin...

Tiger, tiger don't eat my kite, Or I'll whoop you in a fight, Make sure your teeth are sharp and white, When they rip my flesh tonig...

I swam 3 meters and sank down 4, If I hadn't stopped swimming I would have sunk down more, Of course, I'm a human, I'm not...

My sums don't work, the IRS says, They suggested I was high from my diet of  Pezz, The IRS threatened fines and some jail, As they ...

Allen ate fried chicken and it gave him gas, He sat and hoped that his bloating gut would pass, Then, his girlfriend Helen stopped by, And, ...

Things are real fine in my far neighbor's hood, The people live within fences, and behave really good, But where I work, live and stay, ...

I flew my kite on one windy day, Then along came a chopper that cut it away, The chopper-man gave me a smile, While all the while, M...

It might be enough for you, But I like to eat dinner, two, And most time I eat three, The fourth, in front of TV, Then I nightcap with warm ...

I thought I looked really fine, Until I woke up as Frankenstein, The scientist was insane, Who implanted my brain, And stitched together...

My truck is stuck in 4 feet of snow, But, I have 400 feet to go, So, I followed a rabbit right down his hole, Which he shared with two...

I sit out on my stoop, Eating four leg soup, I take my pills, Blow out my gills, And, do the hula hoop.

My gerbil does not gerb no more, He passed away on his gerbil cage floor, I had him 31 days, I even built him a maze, And, 30 days is re...

I had a real bad scare, When I was eaten by that bear, He ate me arms, he ate me legs, For those appendages, I now need pegs, On t...

Ray wanted to smooch with his girlfriend Mandy, So, on Valentine's Day he gave his girlfriend candy, The candy was all full of ...

The months in Michigan before May, I charge my battery all day, Between the mice and the rats, The skunks and the bats, My wires are chewed ...

I went to a robin, and I had to beg, My muffin mix, required an egg, My small paycheck reward, Means no groceries I've stored, I've ...

How do you know if you have too many valentines? When together they confront you, that's one of the signs, And, when you have poison in ...

Because Titus was one of the old boys, He still loved ticker tape and tinker toys, No modern stuff, Titus was tough, He ate red meat and nev...

Nancy Debbie Tew, Climbed trees that had a view, She scraped her knee, And swallowed a bee, The tree manufacturer, she sue.

Pansy was a beaver, and she dove for fish all day, Nancy had a clever, and cleaned fish down by the bay, Pansy sold Nancy fresh fish, Chef H...

My goldfish is good at playing dead, He's done it for the past two weeks, He can even make a dead goldfish smell, For his fishbowl re...

I rotated my tires and you want to know what? My jack came loose and I got pinned cross the gut, Although I felt massive pain, I kept ...

Bob liked to play the piccolo flute, But when he’d blow air, out the back end he’d toot, It did not sound really fancy, It made the audie...

Out  in the distance between the days, A Vampire was born, He lived in visual night and haze, A prince whom many scorn, Those that jour...

Everyone wants a claim to fame, As long as it's good and not some kind of shame, Did the internet I invent, Or, do I just pay for ...

Gnomes have been eating up my apple fritters, They seem to be evil, pastry eating critters, Gnomes, invade my home everyday, Upon my sweet p...

There was a little chicken named soup, She shot baskets using a wing shot at the hoop, But, as chicken soup grew older, She developed a b...

My trumpet I tried and tried to make toot, It didn't work because it was stuffed with a fruit, It seems my dear nanna, Didn't lik...

In Michigan it gives me scares, Here, Bigfoot ate up all the bears, Now, will the Bigfoot come for me? I'm really tender, if not tast...

My little bird gives his feathers tugs, So he can get a meal of bugs, He's so shy, He won't fly high, Instead he hunts more bugs in ...

Jim weighed 500 lbs, so his snowboard wouldn't go, Except when Jim got on it the board sank in the snow, So Jim stayed inside the ski lo...

Ben walked in the woods, overheated and froze, He had ticks on his skin, and bugs up his nose, He was very itchy, Smelled of pine pitchy, Wh...