LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

In the deer-woods I set up a tent, I set up a wood-stove and piped out a vent, Heat was my desire, But, my whole tent caught fire, So, o...

A bear ate the weather woodchuck, and I don't know what that means, Will winter be long or short, or somewhere inbetweens, Will we get n...

My little doggie, he got free, And on the carpet took a pee, Right there for everyone to see, Darker than the spilled coffee, I hope he does...

I went looking for a ground hog, to see when the winter might pass, I ran into a griz instead, and he ate off half my mass, The cold froze s...

I hope to heck my parsnips grow,  Deep beneath the piled up snow,  In the winter I'll eat,  Starvation I'll beat,  If I remember...

They laid me off for the holiday, Said they might hire me back come next May, Why I was fired nobody would say, Of course, I call in sick ev...

My sandwich was not very neat, I had no money so I couldn't afford meat, But  I had some grape juice, So on my bread I let loose, An...

I love to eat scoops of ice cream atop a sugar cone, But, every scoop of ice cream adds size round my hip bone, So, how many scoops of ice...

My car slid on the ice and I slammed into a tree, Then my ancestors surrounded me, "You drive too fast", They said at last, "...

I slid my pickup off the road today into a ditch, and bammy, I got a little concussion, so excuse me if I sound whammy, It was a surprise, M...

There was a lizard named Morgan May, She did lizard stuff most every day, She liked to eat mice, Juicy crickets and lice, When frightene...

I downloaded a really cheap movie feature, About some crazy invading alien creature, And, although the story wasn't tight, Br...

Pizza Man works really hard for his tips, If he gets none he will puff out his lips, So, get out some bucks, You tight old dumb clucks, ...

Squashed a big spider, Random act of violence, Regrets, found babies.

There's a cute little blue jay eating in the tree,   He's chewing on some suet that I left up there for free, I wonder if it...

The reason I get odd looks and stares, Is because my teeth are as big as a bear's, And, my gait is bear funny, While, my breath st...

My podcast was a total dud, They said my philos was just crud, I didn't gain a fan, Unless, you count Dick and Dan, I bribed the...

There was a leprechaun named Sam, He loved his eggs, bacon and ham, He once ate a green bean, It gassed up his small spleen, Then, he re...

The pizza I had delivered, tasted like feet,👣 It was pricy, and I still had to eat,💸🍕🍕 So I shared with a friend,👯 Turned an enemy by t...

What a wicked wooly beastie, She licks her plate at every feastie, She sleeps with a cat and a dog, I sleep outside on a log, I guess th...

Boggy had a pet bobcat named Bites, Bites ate birds and wore bright colored tights, Boggy also had a pet parakeet, Whom Bites didn't ...

Joke: How many 12 inch fish are in a foot? Answer: Feet don't have fish in them so there are zero fish in a foot. Joke: If 40 birds...

My mandolin got mangled when it fell out the back of my pickup truck, And, although I didn't feel lucky the driver behind me had worse ...

There are feral dogs out in the dark, I know they're there because I hear them bark, When they bite it's an ouch, A month to recover...

A flying fish stabbed me deep in my eye, Of course it made me wail and then cry, The many tears were ill spent, For fish loved saltwater sce...

My shotgun exploded in my face, Even though, I had duct tape in place, And, just like last year, The explosion scared off the deer, Mayb...

For fun I'd go looking for bears, I'd poke them with a stick for some dares, But, one bear had a trick, He broke my poky-stick...

Poem Gordo the goldfish grew a full set of teeth, He then ate his companions Julie and Keith, He sharpened his teeth on a fake coral reef...

My boss told me I was a complete fool, My boss sent me back to junior high school, All I said was, "duh", In a class called algebr...

There once was a sailor named Greg, He sat down really hard on his leg, His eyes filled with tears, As his mateys yelled jeers, For Greg...

The great shelled lizard in Skedgemog lake, He's a snapping turtle they say, The souls of swimmers and boaters he'll take, Whi...

When it gets really hot and really sticky, All jump into the pool for a cold-shock-quickie, But, going from hot, hot to cold, cold, Shoul...

Billy had turtle feet, He couldn't dance to a beat, German opera he could sing, A falsetto voice, he'd make ring, Provided Billy had...

There was a monster named Lucky, from mars, He liked fancy beer and fast cars, When he was driving too fast, His luck did not last, Now, ...

Donny the cook had bugs climb up his snout, But, he didn't know that he could just blow them right out, So he used his finger, And le...

The big fish that are keepers, Run in the waters that are deepers, In the shallows you'll only find logs, And, you'll catch tw...

My buddy Birdie liked to preen, Birdie was a preening machine, No matter what the weather, Every Birdie feather, Was pecked free of lice, an...

Boil, boil my plum pudding, A witch's brew when a coven's hooding, A sacrifice in the woods, A farmer's live goods, On t...

The chicken I ate came cut into many parts, It was boxed and sold in one of those grocery marts, I was so glad, The chicken didn't taste...

The wind chill is no friend of mine, It's taken my pet rats since I was nine, It's caused me to freeze and blister, And, to ra...

I decided not to go out and hunt any deer, My blind didn't have cable and just one rabbit ear, So, at home I watched cable, And, dine...

My penguin Ben came home with a broke beak, He had a big fight with his cousin named Zeek, They fought over a dead fish, Ben said came...

I  had this fish, his name was Richie, He complained that he was itchy, The cat offered a claw, Gave Ritchie a naw, Now my Ritchie is really...

I just met the ghost of a red daffodil, It use to live way up on this hill, But a chipmunk, who was rude, Thought the daffodil was food, The...

Try not to sleep so much this year, For each hour you snore you're end draws near, Better stay mostly awake, All the awake you can ta...

There was a praying mantis named Sid, Now old Sid stayed perfectly hid, When a bug came along, It had sung it's last song, Then, Sid...

Four little quarters I dropped into my coin bank, They jingled and rattled while to the bottom they sank, They were my life's savings, I...

Henry was a baboon, He just loved most of all the new moon, His girlfriend Nancy, For Hank had a fancy, They would sit in their tree and...

When times get rough I eat pinecones, I check the highway for bleached white bones, Then I make my cobwebs stew Though the ingredients...

I try to forget every cold, sunless day, And, it's almost the first day of May, But, this year I remember just one,  Warm day with...

A bear and a Bigfoot walked into a pub, They each ordered a beer and a plate full of grub, The bear finished his food fast, The Bigfoot m...

Vic had a toe nail that grew into his toe, He suffered with pain and all kinds of woe, He took out a hammer, Gave a toe a good bammer, T...

Buddy got a bad, bad itch, From wading in a runoff ditch, I hate to much dwell, On Buddy's chemical smell, But it made his eyes go twitc...

It's a happy afternoon, Under December's big full moon, We don't have much of day, It's too cold to care anyway, The day...

The doctor said I was made of parts unknown, He said I had cartilage where I should have had bone, My blood was not red, More a mauve color ...

Politicians I look to all forcefully teach, You can solve most of your problems with a gallon of bleach, So, that's what I tried, ...

My little, tiny, teeny ship, Twelve feet of metal and the side had a rip, I just left the dock, A wave made my ship rock, Then over, my ...

I have been banned from all social media on earth, All my comments are deleted, from my death back until my birth, I guess I'll have a m...

I had this friend named Musk, He had a tooth that stuck out like a tusk, He drank Ovaltine, Until his ears turned bright green, He loved cor...

Leon Skum was the richest man alive, He lived in a mansion; his workers lived in a dive, Leon was very happy, Making the lives of poor folks...