LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Ben ran over a sharp wire, It punctured right through his tire, In just a little bit, The wire the lightning hit, That caused a massive ...

My barn has several stray cats, They feed on mice and dead bats, I let them cats be, Feed them no biscuits and tea, Or, they'll ...

I have a volcanic eruption in my yard,  It's burns my tomato plants, and fries my Swiss chard, Oh, oh, no, woe is me, I'm drinking l...

A flying saucer landed in my yard, It really caught me way off guard, Especially when out popped two green men, Both were tall and very t...

Jenny won an automatic toaster, Jim won a new oven-roaster, Jeffy won a coat, Jamie won a boat, All I won was a stained paper coaster...

Watching the sun made my my vision real bad, Loud music made me deaf and mom mad, Poor posture my neck ache, Poor diet made my leg break,...

Henry was a baboon, He just loved most of all the new moon, His girlfriend Nancy, For Hank had a fancy, They would sit in their tree and...

I got a poinsettia for Easter this year, It was made out of plastic and smelled like reindeer, I stuck it in clay, And, then walked aw...

There was a bear waiting in the darkening woods, He was waiting to steal my dried and caned up goods, So I got my jingle bell named Bert, I ...

I am feeling extremely irked, For one of my limericks I wrote was jerked, I went to my boss, He said he gave it a toss, Because he w...

A satirical limerick was let loose, That helped to cook a Congressman’s goose, It made him look bad, So, he got really mad, And, banned ...

Lester the goose was extremely proud, He had no talent except, he was loud, The problem is, That when doing show biz, Lester was not sma...

My snowman was the best yet, But then it rained and he got wet, Then he turned to ice, Which is kind of nice, Now he never itches since he f...

At days end Jennifer liked to shower, She enjoyed the freedom to self-scour, She was a waitress all day, She worked hard for low pay, Th...

I bought 10 cases of tuna on a Black Friday deal, That's 120 meals, eating one can for each meal, So, this winter I'll feast, Eating...

I went out and found a Christmas tree, It stood straight and tall, at 6'3" I sawed it down, Hauled it back to town, My kid, she ins...

I had to remove all the remains, My family ate turkey, the meat and the veins But, when it came to eating bones, The bones might as well bee...

Mark was asked to find turkey for Thanksgiving, So, at the mill he quit his job of riving, He hoped on a plane, For a turkey to gain, In...

Bobby was the greatest chef, He was the greatest chef around, He made his meals all from scratch, Then fed them to his hound, On ...

Bernie and Benny were enemies since they were four, At everything they'd compete for the very top score, Their tech companies com...

My icicles fell off the roof,  They melted, so I don't have the proof, They fell on a big bear, He gave my doggie a scare, My doggie gav...

Little birds have a terrible food need, So, I kept my bird feeder just full of seed, But, the squirrels out there, Robbed my feeder just bar...

I went to deer camp, and a cougar was there, She ripped out my throat, and there was blood in the air, I could not utter a word, And, the la...

I bought a golden turkey for my Thanksgiving holiday, He was really cheap and cost me so very little pay, But, it was really hard to eat...

Lenny was a Christmas goose, He was hunted while on the loose, He did not get shot, And, end up in a pot, Because he died his feathers c...

There were too many guppies in the tank, They all soon died, and it stank, With a flush and a flow, To the septic they go, I'll buy more...

Two little witches met way out in the wood One was really bad, the other really good, Their friendship was tight, But the good witch did not...

Should I give the dog a bone? Should I play the baritone? Should I eat an ice cream cone? Should I talk with softer tone? Should I pay my st...

I ran over my foot with a mower, Now, I’m walking a little bit slower, My foot is really soar, When it comes down on the floor, I’m givi...

I took a pottery class and made me a pot, But, it didn't hold liquids because it leaked a lot, So, I stored in it my change, The deno...

Sally could play the recorder, She broke hers and put one on order, It was sent one day, But, to Sally’s dismay, The recorder was sent n...

Four Frogs Played Lawn Jarts, Oh my, oh me, One got stuck by a lawn jart and then there were three, Three frogs played lawn jarts, Dow...

In a hidden pond they did appear, Great big bullfrogs the size of deer, One ate a bear,  That made me scare, Now, in the tavern I'll...

Trish would text while driving down the highway, It seems that she had much she needed to say, But, while texting friend Midge, She dro...

The zombies were coming and I was alone in my shack, I had nothing to fight off a great zombie attack, I looked under my bug filled cot,...

I took off to Canada across Lake Superior ice, I came to open water and had to rethink my plan thrice, I'm hunted by a G-man because...

I've been eating dear meat since I was Born,🍔 Today I got hankering for the Unicorn,🦄 I went unicorn hunting,🏹 Found a big one was gr...

As fall begins to go, Along comes the snow, First pretty, and then a foe, Then in inches it starts to grow, Snowblower man takes all my doe.

Henry ate tainted pork, then said he couldn't stay, So he ran to the toilet which was two blocks away, He ran into a nun, That ended his...

My bagel had no cream cheese, so I put up a fuss, The diner said they had no cream cheese, because it turned to pus, I felt a shame, Putting...

In my turkey dinner dream, There was never sour cream, Like ships in the navy, Taters floated in gravy, I will resist your cream scheme.

I went and picked a bunch of greens, I fried them crisp with grease and beans, My family's fat, My dog and cat, We eat well, and will ne...

My mastodon had a runny nose, It had pressure like an in use fire hose, The pressure knocked me head over heel, It made my skin peal, ...

I joined a club to be with birds of a feather, Didn't realize that club studied bad weather, In the tornadoes and rain, I ached with art...

On election day, I got no votes, They didn't register, when tabulating the totes, So I'll swallow my pride, Go somewhere and hide, A...

I had a bird that would tweet and twitter, Then he ate something really bitter, Now he don't tweet, Hard to coax him to eat, He is silen...

I wear ginger on my head, I like ginger in my bread, And whatever the fame, Ginger is a good name, If eat a little you'll feel well fed.

I'm running for sheriff and I think I already lost, I got arrested seven times and I'm sure that'll cost, As an accountant I get...

Every single Sunday, I dread the next day, called Monday, I can't sit home, Relax my dome, Watching TV wearing just my undie.

Today I took a walk with my ugliest big dolly, I got her at age two, and named her Madam Polly, I took her to the glen, With her doll friend...

I love cows because from them comes cheese,🧀💓 Cows make my milk and scent my breeze,🍶💩👃 Ode to the farm,🐖🐎🦃🐔🐓😳 May the cows...

As I was smoking on my fresh bought greens, I decided to open some canned beans, And found in them a snake, Eating caramel cheesecake, I had...

Mike the turkey went to higher ground, Where he thought his safety sound, But hunter Pete, Wanted turkey meat, And got poor Mike with just o...

I was born having great expectations, Alas, they stayed only aspirations, For when I grew up, It took all my coin just to sup, In mom's ...

Benny has a great big tree, Where he sits up in the sky, Eating his potato chips, And, eating apple-pumpkin pie, Benny ponders on the u...

I went out hunting bear, The bear went out hunting me, I dropped my gun and went on the run, But the bear beat me to my RV, I went out ...

The only way I'll make a cake,🍩 Is if it's fried; I never bake.💥 I'll include a pinch of pumpkin spice,🎃 It's Halloween, ...

There was nothing but methane on old planet "D", Then, I lit up my cigar and the planet went "B" , Oh what a da...

I never knew a zombie who didn't like brains packed in his lunch, I never knew a vampire who didn't like blood in his blood punch,...

When you go out trick or treating,  That's when werewolves will be eating, But a demon dog, Who eats like a hog, On werewolves he be fee...