LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

Someone stole my tether ball and left me just the string, Now what am I supposed to do with just that stringy thing? Do I play with it with ...

I decided to get my Christmas tree early, Because by Christmas they'll all be gone, surely, I cut it down in the woods, And against my o...

I went to the boss over our earnings disparity, He told me he didn't run a communist charity, He said because I voiced a dislike, I shou...

I gave the planet called world, a tremendous gift, I invented the lever, now the world has some lift, Now we can teeter and totter, And drin...

I went fishing for lunker bluegills at the bottom of the lake, I knew a big fat earthworm was the bait that they'd take, But along c...

My robot's name is Ned, He's a help unless his battery goes dead, He is average at checkers, But, makes turkey-club double-...

Seagulls, garbage sacks, Rip, Tear, Pick, Peck, wind, big mess, Labor, hours, BIRDS!!!

Car door, closed, hand smashed, Grave pains, suffering, scream, tears, Bones broke, cast, woe me.

My cherry-chocolate wedding cake, Took my aunt three days to make, The frosting, divine, Chased down with red wine, And, th...

On trending media I found my wish,  It was a recipe for baked tuna fish, With all the spices galore, It was hot, hot;  I want more, ...

I wish my sister would stop slurping and drooling, For my lunch appetite is rapidly cooling, At age 45, She won't leave ma's hive, A...

Winston was an old silver dime, He was so lazy it was a crime, He lay on a book shelf, Being quietly stealth, He was found and spent by ...

In the hall of bullies we count just nine, Only one barked abuse, the others stayed fine, But it does not matter, The abused quickly scatter...

Benny had a bad habit in his head, He liked to eat fish sticks while lying in bed, Later, the fish stick debris would smell, Which with f...

Wayland the Smith was the king of the elves, He worked in Detroit making big engine valves, He got really tired one day, From his hard wo...

I hired elves,  To build some shelves, They are boards of wood, They've held up good, They stand eights x twelves.

Jim tried to play the piccolo, But, his dim mind would work so slow, When the band was done, Jim was on note one, He needs to get busy a...

I laid some new tile upon my floor, Across my kitchen to the outside door, But, the tiles did not stick, The tile glue was a mis-pick,...

Everyone wonders when pigs fly, I happen to know it’s on the 4th of July,, They strap on firecrackers that night, Then, they light them ...

There was this unlikable tree, Upon which, even dogs would not pee, It had no bug guest, Nor a birdie nest, With my ax, I made it root free.

In great lakes and great oceans fishermen find their riches, But, I find my best fishing along roads with deep ditches, Among the cattai...

Marvin cut off his arms and legs, He had them replaced with hickory pegs, Now he walks on all fours, But can't open doors, Is he sane? T...

There once was a boy, His mama called him Roy, He only had his toy, He ate only beans called soy, Never loved cause he was coy.

They might be a complete stranger, They might be your kith and your kin, The only one that thinks just like you do, Is the person that's...

There were two little silos, sitting as neighbors in a field, When one silo overflowed, the other would absorb the yield, Then one day one c...

I thought I'd go fishing so, I picked up some worms, I thought I'd catch keepers on my living bait terms, But, the big fish we...

I gave my goldfish a dash of fish food, But, I didn't measure it, so guess what dude? Although my goldfish is fed, He is all puffy an...

Kalkaska is the Wolfman's lair, For he feasts on deer, bobcat and bear, He eats fishermen who are very plump, Also, hunters who ha...

Christmas is coming, and I didn't know where the goose was at, Turns out it had a lover, and the lover was a bat, Now the babies fly aro...

I admire a pretty rainbow, sitting in the trees, It's a pretty rainbow, pretty as you please, And, a birdie lands to admire the rainbow,...

I shot a deer that was too small, But, the arresting officer, he stood tall, Now, after six months in jail, I'll get out my mushroom ...

Jason John Jr. was a man seeking  great thrills, Jason John Jr. was covered with porcupine quills, He once bested a bear, Gave a rhino...

Someone stole my garden tools, Methinks the culprits are my neighbor fools, And, my outdoor chairs, They've claimed them as theirs, No o...

"Things fall apart," the poet Yeats would divine, When order turns to chaos, all poets for order pine, That's why I'm ...

I have a zoo living in my beard, Animals both common, and also very weird, There's a howl, a chirp and bark, Roars like a Jurassic Park,...

My neighbor's chicken oh, good grief, Got in my chicken and ate my beef, Although two wrongs don't make right, My food budg...

Four bears ate at grandpa's, but he was just a munch, He was old and skinny and not a satisfying lunch, But the bears found a winner, Wh...

Marshal went diving on a deep coral reef, But, poor Marshal had a really big beef, He became filled with despair, Because he...

I went out digging under a pile of stones, And there I found some humanoid bones, I was feeling kinda sad, Something went stellar bad, There...

Dave went and bought some used tights, They were full of parasites, On Dave's skin, The sites dig in, They squirm a little, then they bi...

Jenny liked to shop with great thrift, She spent just a penny for a gift, But, on gifts she received, She really got peeved, Under ten b...

There was a cannibal who lived on a hill, He liked to eat peasants with basil and fresh dill, Now he grew the basil from seed, But stole ...

There was a king, They called Bing Bing, And here's the thing, He liked to sing, "My Ding-A-Ling," A nipple piercing, Was his ...

George went fishing with some leeches, Baited them like daddy teaches, George got a bite, But din't hold on tight, Tonight He's ...

Robert the backwoodsman made his own pillow, He stuffed it with leaves from an old weeping willow, But, when he went to bed, And laid dow...

They say we're all made of gold star dirt, Maybe that's true, except for my cousin, Burt, For what within he has got, Mostly resembl...

Todd had mushrooms growing on his ceiling, Todd's mother asked what was Todd dealing, She thought the mushrooms were worth stealing, She...

Todd looked all over the place, But his feet couldn't find third base, Todd was tagged out and became a disgrace, No one would look him ...

Where are all the little fish, I use to see here all the time, When I waded out past the lily pads, And, the gross, green frog egg sli...

I went out to see the super full moon, I watched it with Freddy, he's a raccoon, But uncommonly thick, Was the blood sucking tick, And y...

I dated an alien from Omicron Eat, They had no arms, but had kick-ass feet, They made me a meal, Out of Omicron eel, With rolls made from Om...

I spied a pirate on my porch, and he was a sneak, Before he grabbed my package, he took a gallon leak, It was the pirate's fate, The pac...

I caught a porch pirate stealing and he laughed and said, "Aye, Aye," Then he grabbed all my packages, and ran saying, "Bye, ...

Poisonous Mushrooms, Take, bake, intake, forsake, Bellyache, quake, wake.

I do not have two shoes that fit, Nor, even matching socks, For I lost all my money, When, I put it all in stocks, My broker told ...

In my cup of coffee I spotted a log, When I examined it closer I saw a big polliwog, Then, he said to me, "I don't like coffee; ...

There was a sweet lady named Lil, She worked down at the bar and grill, She'd do as you please, With more onions and cheese, Her bur...

My pet bat is loaded with lice, He hangs out too much with field mice, Having really bad friends, Has led my bat to bad ends, So...

I fired up my old rusty gas grill, Thought for the holiday I'd cook up a thrill, I cooked burgers and wieners, For my juveniles an...

My pink balloon popped in midair,🎈 It gave a bluebird quite the scare,🐦 So, it dropped some poop, On my front stoop, Whilst, I was sitting...