LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

A poke-a-dot pig with a long ponytail, Would dance until the all floor joists would fail, She went on a long cruise, For food, dancing an...

I spread some tuna on a stick, But it fell off before I could lick, The fish drips hit the ground, And without making a sound, The cat ate i...

I went to play polo and go poloed in my face It hurt really bad, and I got a face brace, I looked underneath, And out dropped all my teeth, ...

The little titmouse flew out to sea, And boarded a ship in the Pirate Navy, With the captain to thank, The titmouse moved up in rank, To Mid...

The big hairy dog that lives down the street, Ran through my garden with his great big feet, He tore up my pickle vines, I observed th...

There was an old lady in Kalkaska, Her kids all moved to Nebraska, But, once they came home, They didn’t want to roam, Nebraska was too ...

I baked some bread, but baked it wrong, You cannot break it unless, you are Kong, I wanted the bread to harden fast, So, I used cement...

Hansel and Gretel went out into the woods, They went to steal the witch's fresh cookie goods, But they weren't so lucky, They were e...

Bears like to eat people, that's why I have no friends, My friends went into bear bellies, and came out in piles of twists and bends, So...

My trumpet, I tried and tried to make toot, It didn't work because it was stuffed with a fruit, It seems my dear nanna, Didn't li...

I went to the beach, but nobody was there, Except for a monster, looking vicious with scare, I asked, "where'd everyone go?" T...

My species went extinct today, Now I have no one with whom to play, I found a bear, But he didn't care, He ate and swallowed me anyway.

My swimming pool is all full of sharks, One snapped at my dog, now my dog bark, bark, barks, The family disappeared, I found it quiet and we...

I have been looking for pork sausage all day, It's pricey, and I can't cover it with my low pay, But with worms and katydids I'l...

When the hobgoblins were about to sing, I knew the elf evils would do their thing, It was sort of a dance, Maybe, more of a prance, Then the...

My sister gives haircuts, oh dear, oh dear, She'll steady her hand for a six pack of beer, Or when she gets through, You'll know ...

                                          Todd bought an old castle big and gray,                        But, it was drafty and d...

There were three little shrews, They tried wearing each others shoes, One shrew’s feet were too fat, Another shrew’s feet were flat, The...

There were old devils in the pit, And they were taken a demon sit, They cast their spells, On Cosmic elves, Then once done, they split.

I have a chicken coup full of trash bags, full of cans, It's my retirement, and I have really big plans, Down at the town called Old Hol...

The squirrels took over the world, They spread disease, and all humans hurled, The plague did humans in, It was biology, not sin, With human...

I caught some photons on my nose, They burned real bad like no one knows, My sunscreen failed, The SPF bailed, Now I suffer with...

In high school I knew Peter Pam, He got good grades because for tests he'd cram, But when it came to being nice, His comments would deep...

Sally was an herbivore, She ate bark and twigs and leaves, She tried eating a wild boar, That gave her stomach heaves, Her boyfriend Di...

Slushy snow is all I know, and the world has turned to ice, On icy roads I cannot go for my tires have caught ditches thrice, I'll s...

My deer hunting rifle would not shoot, When I pulled the trigger it went "Toot!  Toot!" So, I guess this year, I'll just dr...

I went to do a river dance, and I almost drowned, The river swept me off my feet, and twisted me round and round, Then when I thought my bod...

I didn't wear a mask because I didn't believe in germs, Now, I'm down in the ground feeding all kinds of worms, My new ghost has...

I saw a little cougar, Playing in my yard,  He only weighed 200 pounds, But, he ate my St. Bernard, I miss my great big dog, I'm s...

There once was a spider named Nellie, She liked to eat toast with her jelly, The home owners went away, She ate toast and jelly all day, ...

Rita was my pet fish, She lived in my pet fish bowl, And, although Rita was just a goldfish, She was mated to my soul, Rita lived ...

My dearest doughnut all chocolate glazed, Missing you has made me crazed, Powdered sugar and sprinkles, Won't smooth out doughnut wrinkl...

I was at the end of my dock, When I knocked over my grandfather clock, It feel on some ducks in a flock, They climbed up onto a rock, And sa...

I have this big pet beast, And he's expecting a big feast, But all I have is yeast, That's what he likes the least, He ate me, now I...

I was standing toe to toad, Out in the center of the road, Then along came a semi, On it's grill, I'm a stuck guy, I'm sure the ...

The little tit had it's toot, Chirping out The Magic Flute, It did not depart From original Mozart, But the owl didn't give a hoot.

There is a nasty boogieman who lives under my bed, He likes to chew on my old shoes and bop me in the head, I know he is a dirty stink...

My parakeet ate six little elves, She cornered them on the book shelves, She said, "they taste very, very good", As she crunched a...

Donny's fingers were all sticky, Because he made cookie dough and did a finger licky Of course he's a gross dude, And at best, he...

Some elves live underneath my street, They came and ate my parakeet, She was nice and she was sweet, I miss her melodic tweet, I never thoug...

Junior was smart, but an awfully slow starter, Marie was faster and an whole lot smarter, Junior got the job, Though he was a slob, So from ...

Down from the sky came a great, round moon, It ate my dog and pet raccoon, It said it was going away, Be back in 30 day, Next time it wanted...

My friend was a booger named chartreuse, He was born in a nose and then came loose, He lived 40 years, Under an eyeball, catching tears, He ...

If you do not fastly swim, Then your chances are near grim, For in Michigan waters, Live man eater otters, Best chance is if you're fast...

I sat on top of a tombstone, While licking my ice cream cone, The cone came from a odd host, It was the graveyard's  top ghost, And,...

The festival of the rubber ducks, It's not for the gobbles or the cluck, clucks, It's just for quackers, Down pillow packers, On the...

There was a little guinea pig, and he always picked his nose, Then one day he found out, just what up his nose could grows, A pickle, squash...

Benny had a really big red nose, His nostrils were like petals on a rose, His drinking was fair, But, food consumption was not there, So...

In my garden bloomed an iris, I made friends with it for it had no virus, Our friendship's heading, Led to a wedding, Our firstb...

I love my oven because of the crusty snacks, I get snacks by wire cleaning my crusty racks, I say yummy, yummy, Crusties in my tummy, And I ...

Photons, photons from the sky, You can make me pretty or make me cry, I look awesome with a deep dark tan, But, the  extra energy I di...

On my pizza, what added a tease? It was pepperoni and the bubbled up cheese, It was not much of a mystery, That soon my pizza was hist...

The wisest fly on the pie, Knew to vacate after the flies caught my eye, And, as the wisest fly flew away, The others breathed my bug spr...

The car ahead of me went so slow I had to pass, So, I became a particle accelerator and, put my foot down on the gas, And, boy did I fly, At...

It's Demon Daze at the local grocery Store, If you are a demon, you get deep discounts and more, You get free coffee and donut holes, Pl...

When his airplane engine expired, Duke the aviator quickly retired, He took a nosedive, One he did not survive, Seems his parachute ...

Little chicken in my backyard park, You escaped from farmer with the dark, You eat bugs and seeds in my petunia bed, You could be chicken...

No one can find no eats, Now there's panic in the streets, There is nothing good, Just tin, plastic and wood, And there's st...

There was a troll who trolled on Twitter, He lost an election and became real bitter, His only employment was house sitter, Couldn't get...