LIMERICKS AND STUFF By Leigh Collin Brandt

There was a little porch pirate who lived in the bushes near my stoop, I knew he was living there, because I could smell his soup, Every sin...

It's Monday morning and my football team sucks, I hate the digs from my coworker ducks, They all quackity quack, I got none to give back...

Monday while the office coffee perks, You realise there's five full days to work with jerks, And, it's no surprise, They'll spre...

Dan's Doctoral Thesis wss widely read, Dan proposed alcohol made little beasties go dead, Old Dan was a taker, not a giver, He took too ...

Dan met up with three sisters and they were all weird, They had a shocking appearance when they all appeared, They told Dan he'd ...

Frankie was incarcerated for driving way too fast, He would not have been caught, except an ambulance he passed, That made the police hype, ...

I always make sure I shoot the zombie in the head, That's the only sure way you know that zombie be dead, If you pass a zombie too near,...

It's name was Flotilla, and that was my boat, It was pontooned with pop bottles that held air, and could float, Then way out on the bay,...

I took my dingy to Northport to fish for the day, But,a big speed boat was right in the way, I asked if I could pass, As they poured Cham...

My Spacecraft by L. Brandt My spacecraft ran into a star, Now, my spacecraft will not go, And, I did not pay my insurance bill, So, I...

I grabbed pliers to fix the tooth that hurt, It broke and the gum gave a blood squirt, So I got some health administration, From an ER vacat...

My tooter tooted a terrible tone, The audience responded by giving my tooter the stone, They showed what they meant, With every stone mad...

It was a big mistake for me to move to mars, The air is  no good, and all they have are solar cars, Fresh veggies won't keep, The rent i...

In the general vicinity of the farm, A fire broke out, four alarm, The potatoes got baked, The corn stalks were coal caked, But, the...

Dennis the driver couldn't see far or near, Dennis the driver drove his truck off the pier, Dennis did find his way, To the bottom of...

Some sinister spiders sit on my sill, They think web-weaving is the ultimate thrill, But, I'll give them some news, Be careful what c...

I saw a small bird eating a salad, But, his condiments didn't seem to be valid, It was a wine mixed with beer, Final results I did fear,...

I journeyed far beyond the planets of Sol, To find some petunias to pot was my goal, I found some pretty, bright red, On a planet called, Fr...

I was on a great sand dune, Waiting for the rise of moon, Waited there all afternoon, Ate a cookie, macaroon, Need a toilet, please rise soo...

Frankie thought he was a charm, Then he snots upon his arm, The girls all say, "Frankie keep away, Your snot might do us harm."

A wild pig chased me through the woods, He wanted to eat my veggie canned goods, When he was a few feet away, I gave in to him that day, ...

For five-hundred dollars I bought a pancake making machine, I used the money I got from selling my precious spleen, But, it required spe...

My nest egg is just a big joke, I have an eggshell but, not the white nor the yoke, I bought and I sold, Many investment ideas that I ...

I searched for a great bargain price, On cereal that was a poofed kind of rice, I found nothing cheap, So I stormed home in my jeep, Scratch...

I have a hobby, So I went to a Lobby, The store clerks were snobby At the checkout, I got robby, I became very sobby, They called in a bobby...

Santa ran out of fish bones and he couldn't pick his teeth, So, he pulled out some needles from a Christmas pine wreath,   But, Santa ...

Next door there was this train, It's tooter hurt my little brain, But, my rent was real cheap, Apartment easy to keep, Thus, my bank...

It eats the bird, it eats the beast, It eats the critter that smells the least, It eats the bugs, it eats the dragon, It eats vehicles calle...

I went fishing on a lake dark and deep, Then through the floor water started to seep, I didn't have a pail, So I really  couldn...

The seeds of weeds have taken their toll, They've seeded the great hills and the big valley bowl, Of course, now the lawns are all w...

I have a roommate who does not like to flush, It makes me sick when my teeth I must brush, I hope and I pray, He moves out one day, If h...

I went to the third moon of OOh-OOh to play professional yard jarts, It's played at nightfall, at least that's when the tournament...

There was this person, a mum, She had troubles doing a subtraction or sum, She counted her kids more than thrice, Made 6 Bowles of beans ...

Woodstove, top, hot iron, Plastic cup, woodstove top, melt, FLAMES, SMOKE,  POISOIN GAS ..

My credit card charge is fifty percent, When I pay it I get kind of all bent, With all the bank fees, I'm down on my knees, Even on ...

I boarded my spacecraft with my dog Yippee who, eats pie,  Then right behind us were my doggies Yeh and Ky, Yippee, Ky, Yeh, We all fl...

Swimming in big lake, Riptide pulls me out, can’t swim, Drowning in big lake.

I cannot seem to ever obtain, Fuel for my lighter that flash burns butane, So I tried a fuel that was clean, It was high octane gasoline, I ...

Whimper, whimper in the night, I'm whimpering because of fright, There are beastly elves, Sitting on my shelves, I'm on their menu, ...

Berries make most people happy, They turn fossilized bowels into bowels so sappy, And, although it's not fair When TP is rare, In their ...

I once caught a great big crappie, 'He tangled my line up in a wrappie, When I untangled him at last, He knew his time was past, I  ...

My potato salad made people so sad, I used mayonnaise that had gone really bad, The eggs were well boiled, But, had sat out and got spoil...

There once was a planet, way out in space, They loved their plastics, even put them in their face, But plastic poisons the inside, All life ...

I'm so glad this week is all done, On the weekend, I'll have plenty of fun, I'll get lots of fancy dips, And dip slowly my fancy...

I was having a yacht party, But my boat, it sank at sea, My guests got mad at me, They got all wet, and gee, The sharks came and we...

I time traveled off to a nicer place, In my 1974 Matador Sedan, There was no pressure; there was no rat race, You just took life as you c...

Eric liked to walk in the ditch, But the ditch-water made Eric's feet itch, And, in between Eric's toes, Where the stink-mushroom...

Jim had such little feet, They barely got him down the street, So, he would tarry, Behind his wife Mary, Who, waited hours for Jim to mee...

Priscilla the fish thought she had found her life mate, She found him on Facebook and thought he was great, But, when her special perso...

Some limericks I recite as I jelly my toast, Some limericks I recite at the beach on the coast, Some limericks I recite as I'm chase...

My shack is ugly, and it smells like a reindeer took a poop, It appears the reindeer left it, atop of my stoop, I lit three candles to burn ...

My ex-friend, Marnie doesn't live here anymore, Marnie moved to an apartment over a store, Marnie and I were very tight, But we had an u...

My furnace died now, I have climate change, I'm trying to survive in the lower temp range, My environment is cold so, I made a fire,...

My lamp, it just wouldn't light, I changed the bulb but, still not bright, So I sat in the dark,  With a dog who wouldn't bark, ...

The birdies like on worms to dine, But I hang my washing on the line, So my washing is speckled, At work I am heckled, My birdie relatio...

There was a unicorn who slept down under, The big trees when he heard thunder, He made a loud breeze, When he cut his cheese, And the...

Peter the dragon blew no fire with his roar, Out of his mouth came spit and nothing much more, But out of his nose, Came great flam...

Boris wrote a limerick for his ex-girlfriend Patty, He said her teeth were knurly and hair was mattie, Patty’s revenge was not slight, Wi...

De-cluttering my garage was my desire, I went outside to burn a tire, It lit real fast, and the flames jumped higher, Then it caught my ne...

Tinker was a little nuts, He ate only hornet guts, They made is mouth sting, And that was his thing, Along with giving his lawn super cuts.